How about a joke thread?

Here's a few to get it started.

Several bystanders ran over to help the victim of an auto accident. A woman got there first, but a man pushed her away, saying, "Step aside, lady. I know first aid!" The woman watched for a while before tapping the man on the shoulder. "Excuse me," she said, "but when you get to the part about calling for a doctor, I'm right here!"

"Little Johnny, do you know your numbers?" "Yes, teacher, I do! My father taught me." "Good. What comes after three?" "Four," answered Little Johnny. "Good. What comes after six?" "Seven." "Very good, Johnny, your father did a good job. Now, what comes after ten?" "Jack!"

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution: "Don't try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked an audience member. "Well, when I was first married, I watched my wife's routine at breakfast. She made many trips between the refrigerator, stove and sink, often carrying a single item at a time. I told her, 'You're wasting time carrying one thing at a time. Always carry several things at once.'" "And did that save time?" asked the audience member. "Yes. Yes, it did," replied the expert. "While it used to take my wife twenty minutes to make breakfast, now I do it in ten!"

Funny, especially the first one.
I only know one joke, and it's in Danish (and not very good)...

Well, come with it, bad or not. And Danish or not for that matter. :P
Or just PM it to me. At least I'll understand it.

Here's a new joke:

A man runs to the doctor and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!"

The doctor asks, "How long has she had this condition?"

"Two years," says the man.

"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the shrink.

The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, "We needed the eggs."

Vampire bat

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"

Drinking Buddies

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!”

His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the ass and shout, “WHO’S HORNY!?”……she acts like she is asleep everytime.”

That was a good one, Blockhead.

A sixteen-year-old boy drove into the driveway with a new Porsche.
His parents gave him the once over. "Where did you get that car?!" He calmly replied, "I bought it." "With what? We know what a Porsche costs." "With my allowance," said the boy, "this one only cost me twenty bucks." "Twenty dollars? Who would sell you a car like that for twenty dollars?" "That lady up the street," said the boy. "I don't know her name, but she saw me ride by on my bike and she asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for twenty dollars." "Something's wrong here. I'm going to go right up there and see about this!" said his father.

But when the dad got there, he found the lady calmly planting petunias in her front yard! "Did you sell a car to my son?" "Yes, I did," she replied. "For how much?" "Twenty dollars." "You did? Really? Why?" "Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was away on a business trip, but last night I learned from a friend that he ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and didn't intend to come back. He told me that he was stranded, needed money right away and I should sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did!"

A riddle...

Q: How many Italians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?



-------




----



--


A: At least two, though the actual trick is getting them inside the bulb

You kind of see that one comming, right?

Those jokes werent very ''funny'' too me exept blockhead's one. LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
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LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

Ah, why thankee very much, 'eres another for your reading pleasure!!



Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, “Why don’t you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.”

The blind man replies, “If you would’ve put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we’d be riding the bus … so shut the hell up.”

i got one, lol

Horse walks into a bar, bartender asks, " why the long face? "

Q:How do you Drowned a blonde?
A:Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.

Q:How can u tell a Blonde has been on a Computer?
A: Whiteout on the Screen

Q:How can u tell two Blondes has been on a Computer?
A: Writing on the White out.

Kinda Stupid funny i think

A man walks into a bar and sees an Irish man sitting looking glum. So he askes him what wrong.

"Everything," says the Irish man, "You see this bar, smooth as glass. Perfect varnish and seal. I made it, but do they call me McGreggor the Bar-maker? NO."

He sighs and points out the window, "You that there pier? She's perfectly straight and solid as a rock. It'll be there for generations. I built it, but do they call me Mcgreggor the Pier-builder? NO."

He takes finishes his drink before saying, "BUT YOU F**K ONE SHEEP."




I hope I don't get banned for this.....

-Virus

There's a blonde woman who gets tired of being considered dumb all time time. So she dyes her hair, buys a pair of fake glasses and the starts to travel Europe, as she heard that traveling makes people smarter. After a while the woman ends up in the Scottish highlands, and while she is hiking, she encounters a shepherd with a gigantic flock of sheep. The woman feels pretty self-confident of her new-found smartness, so she walks up to the shepherd and says "I know how many sheep you have". The shepherd is a bit stunned, as the flock is really very big, and he is very confident he is the only person who knows all his sheep. "If you tell me how many sheep I have", he says "I'll let you have one of my sheep". The ex-blonde woman agrees. So she thinks a few second and answers "2308 sheep". The shepherd is astonished! He says she is correct and tells the woman to pick a sheep of her own. The woman picks one of the fluffy creatures and leaves, but then she heard the shepherd yelling. He runs to her, and says:

"Now I've got a bet. If I guess your natural hair colour, can I have my dog back?"

Fin

Allright, my turn.
Two friends, a fat and a thin man go to a hotel and rent a room for a couple of days. In that room there was a single bed but with two stories (i hope u know what do i mean; two beds one above another). The thin man slept in the upper bed and the fat man slept into the lower bed. First night, bandits come and beat up the thin man which was sleeping in the upper bed. Second night, the same thing happens. The thin man is beaten up again. Third night, bandits come again and beat up the thin man. The furth night the thin man told the fat man : "I've had it with being beaten up night by night. Let's switch places so i can get a few nights without being beaten up. So the fourth night the thin man slept in the lower bed and the fat man in the upper bed. Bandits come again and decide: "We've beaten enough that man in the upper bed. Let's beat up this night the man in the lower bed"

Ok so there were two guys on holyday in New York. And they made a rezervation at a 100 story hotel. And the only one room was free, at the 100th story. One day, The elevator brakes. They say to each other "let's go up the stairs,it's the only way". When they are at the 35th story the first person says " i wanna tell u something" the other person "you will tell me when we'l reach 100th storry" and again at the next storry the same thing happenes until the 100th. "what did you wanna tell me? "i forrgot the keys down. The other one almost dies of anger and come down and when they come to the 1st floor the other one says "hey it was only a joke"

Lol that was funny. I think the one who joked had a lot of broken bones after this.

There are these two friends. One of them is very tall, the other one really very short. They travel a lot. Eventualy they end up in a large city, and after a good night of booze, they end up in a brothel. They pay up, and each of them takes a hooker upstairs to a private room.

So the tall man talks to the woman for a time and then they try to get in on. But the tall man couldn't find the groove. So the hooker starts to pleasure him, in an attempt to make him horny again. Meanwhile, strange moaning sounds from the next room, where the short man went. Still the tall man stays soft, whatever the hooker tries. From the other room, they heard even more moaning. After a while, the tall man and the hooker realize it won't happen tonight, so they both go to sleep, while virgious moaning is still comming from the next room.

The next morning the tall and short man see eachother again. So the tall man says "Well, honestly, we didn't get to do anything in the bed, apart from sleep". "Well, you're lucky then", the short man says. "I couldn't even get onto the bed".

I don't get it.

How can you draw some somalians into a telephone cabin?

You throw a piece of bread into it

How can you get them out?


you can't, they've gone too fat now

How do somalians send their kids at camp?



With the fax

How may somalians can you get in a bus?



all of them

A man has bin found armed in new york. He had a knife in his back.

A redneck fishes in a lake. The he catches a golden fish. Fish sayes:

-please redneck man, put me back in the lake, i'l make 3 wishes of yours come true.
the redneck puts him on the earth. Fish sayes:

-please redneck man throw me in the lake

Then the man crushes him and sayes:

-Who are you calling a redneck now?

what does a blonde do when she finds a glass wall?

she climbs on it to see what's behind it

little Alina (it's a name) asks her mother

-mother why does daddy run in left-right-left-right?

-shut up and give me more bullets

little Alina asks her mother:

-mommy can i please play with granny?

-ok, but it's the last time i unbury her

little alina asks her mother:

-mommy when well the pool be ready?

-shut up and keep spiting!

What's the extremenes (i don't know a specific word in english so i say extremenes ) of waiting?


to stay with your butt in the oven until the water in your mouth boils

what's the extremnes of patience?

to count your hair with a boxing glove

little alinutza has a bikeand sayes to her mom

-look mommy i'm going with out a hand

-look mommy i'm going with out both hands

-look mommy i'm going with out my teeth

what's the extremnes of courage?

-to s**t at the door of a boxer and then to knock and ask for toilet paper

what's the extremnes of greed

to puke trough your teeth and keep the bigger pieces

what's the extremnes of drunknes?

a drunk man to piss on a fence and then the fence will get drunk

What's the extremenes of athletism?

to run by yourself and finish 2nd

nice jokes....

BTW, Dont multi post, the tread became too large, use the Edit button instead...

ok, but i wanted a few extra posts for my rank


oh, and by the way that was a little pice of all i know

Continuing the tornado of humor:

A drunk man comes home with a tram. At a moment he sayes "i'm pissing on all the people on th left side". Nobody sayes anything. After that he says "i'm crapping on all persons on the right side".. then a man comes and sayes " on me too?" thn the drunk man sayes "infact i'm gonna keep you to wipe myself"

One night a drunk man comes home.... and at one moment he falls of drunkness then a gay comes and $%^# him and puts a 10$ bill in his poket. He wakes up with the money and goes back to the bar and says " a bottle of vodka"... he drinks it all then he goes home and same thing he falls of drunkness then a gay comes and $%^# him and puts a 10$ bill in his poket. He wakes up with the money and goes back to the bar and says " a bottle of vodka"... he drinks it all then he goes home and same thing he falls of drunkness then a gay comes and $%^# him and puts a 10$ bill in his poket. He wakes up with the money and goes back to the bar and the barman sayes i know a bottle of vodka right. Then he sayes"" no gimmie a wisky, cus from vodka my butt becomes itchy and it hurts.

an elephant falls....

































































Bam

A drunk man in a tram pukes on a passager. The passager sayes: "what are you doing you pig? the drunk man sayes: "Look in a mirror and then talk about others"

A drunk man comes in a bar and sayes "bring me a wisky", the barman sayes " sorry sir, you are way to drunk". Then the man leaves and after 5 minutes he comes back and sayes "bring me a whisky", then the barman sayes " no sir, you are too drunk and you have had enough. The guy gets out and after 5 minutes he comes back and sayes "bring me a whisky", then the barman sayes " no sir, you are too drunk and you have had enough. Then he sayes "Damn you! in how many bars do you work?"

Two drunk men come home from a bar then at one momen one sayes " ohhhh i forgot to piss..." and the other one sayes " it's ok i'l teach you"

Three drunk men on a railroad, one sayes "oh my what a long ladder" the other one sayes "it's ok just hold on the fence" the other one sayes hey guys, the elevator is coming"


A drunk man comes in a restaurant and burpes in front of a couple. Then the man sayes"how dare you burp in front of my wife?", "sorry sir i didn't know it was her turn"

what do drunk men say when drinks' prices go up?

it's ok ,we'l eat less

I'm not sure if I've done this one yet.....

A blind man walks into a bar.





















Ouch.

funny

two tomatoes on a reailwai

first sayes: hei train comes
2nd sayes: spalsg

You really want the posts don't you?

yup you got me

Then you are a real spammer

Really i'm not joking.

Seriously. (this is my 100th post )