Nodoka Hanamura/Honya/Pale Bride Logs

Nodoka Hanamura/Honya/Pale Bride Logs - Printable Version

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RE: Nodoka Hanamura/Honya/Pale Bride Logs - Nodoka Hanamura - 11-28-2017

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NN LOG FOR: MIEKO IEKAHARA (HONYA) {EB3DC10C-26C8-4AF1-A305-E9ABDAAB83E8}
Log Number 001
Date/Time: November 28th, 824 AS | 12:45 Universal Time
Location: Freeport 11, Omicron Delta
Subject: Tears of my Friends

Interspace may come after me for what I did today, creating a new Neural net account without authorization, but I do not have the slightest damn in my working set to give. I have so much to write..

Roku-kun.. or.. AI06.. I miss him. He apparently was ambushed by PRIMEs and was... neutralized. Hanamura-sensei and Nerva said that's what "probably happened", but Bride pulled me aside to say that's probably a rumor they heard. Either way, the PRIME AI is already in a unfavorable status with me, the fact that one of the few non-human AI I liked are now gone just makes it worse. The PRIMEs have overstepped their boundaries. It's unacceptable and I hope they learn their lesson. They have no right to just march in and claim Kappa and kill anything squawking a Zoner ident. To be honest, in the heat of my sadness and anger when I heard of his passing, I wanted to raze Gammu to the ground like the Nomads did Toledo. It's a side of me I rarely see.. filled with hatred. I hope to never see it again. Especially since such blind rage would take me to kill many innocent AI who meant no harm to Mankind, unlike the PRIMEs.

The Nomads' onslaught on Delta never ceases.. Day after day, without break, the Freeport took beatings from them, barely getting by without as much as a scratch on it. As nice as the Rathgrith is, its' capability in long range combat is pitiful, and requires that we get danger close to threats just to have a chance of putting a dent in them, while ships like the Ashira, and even the Persephone can dish out damage from 2-3K Sirian units out, much like Konpaku can with its' Nova torpedoes. Such incapability leaves us prone to being overrun and requiring us to move away from the main fleet to provide fire support against marked targets over datalink, which makes us stick out like a sore thumb and very prone to snub-types that want to take us out. I feel the Rathgrith would do better as a CIWS support vessel that takes out Nomad snubs attempting to attack the main element, and harassing other capitals rather than dealing the most damage - it would be best for us in the long run, until we could invest in a vessel like the Nephilim or a Carrier-type vessel. But then again, what would we do with a Carrier? We don't have much to carry around in terms of vessels.

Bride-san won't stop thinking about bringing a Valor to Delta.. Does she really think Gallia would take having one of their vessels used by Zoners lying down? Zoners in the Taus already have it hard with the GRN bearing down on them.. We don't need them coming to Delta. But then again, when you think about it, Gaillia would need to break through Bretonia, Omega-49, Cayman, Corsair space and Omicron Kappa to get to Delta. Sure, they could use a Jump Drive, but I'm pretty sure that they'd still require getting a vessel with a hyperspace surveyor and rushing in. But then again, such a operation would be a logistical mess, so they'd have to probably wait until it's within reach to attack it. Other than that, I can see it being applied to destroy Nomad Capitals without much problem. Thing is, we have a Snub problem, not a Capital problem, when you look at it more in-depth.

Given all the faces we see in Delta, I'm honestly surprised that such a thing is commonplace, this being Core space. I guess it's because these people visit the Freeport and Core permits them to go to and from the Freeport, that or it's just sheer negligence of national security. They want to establish Nauru as a Capital, but they have yet to set up that docking ring. Hanamura-sensei had to mount Ablative shielding on the Konpaku, just to go there to see Loyola a while back. It's weird.. she's missing for a period of time, then crops up to ask Hanamura-sensei to invite her over to talk politics, and then poofs again, only for that guy to appear out of nowhere and stick a knife into our plans and twist it with great vigor and aggression like he did.

I set up an appointment to Rendezvous with Executive Colonel Shepard. After what happened with Bride-san, I think it is time that we discuss things in depth.. especially regarding what happened yesterday and the situation with the Core's new commander. I don't like him. If anything, him and Golanski are one and the same.. a nuisance that needs to be purged, at least, that's what I thought. If anything, I feel more sympathetic towards the Order and Golanski now, if anything..

I was honestly looking forward to Hanamura-sensei trying to make peace with the Core and Order, but it seems that with Loyola missing and this man at the helm, The chances of attaining peace without the Core knocked out of the picture is slim to none. If anything, I feel stuck here in Delta. Is this where we are destined to be for the rest of our days, trying to settle a undying war? To unite two different sides against a common evil that seems unstoppable? What point is there in fighting these monsters, if they just keep coming back en masse. It feels like we're fighting a losing battle.

But.. Hanamura-sensei told me once that we mustn't let them keep us down. We defeated the Nomads once.. we can defeat them again. I won't falter. I won't let them have a single inch as long as I have say or ability in the matter.

[END FEED]

// Note to Administration, Moderators, Developers and Community - as a result of the player behind AI06 leaving the community (ask Nerva, he was the one to have last contact with him), me and Nerva decided to go down this route for how his character met his end, but left it ambiguous as to what actually happened, as is custom when one leaves the community. If there are any concerns or comments, feel free to contact me, especially for admins, as I wish to address any rule issues without having to play sanctionlancer. Nerva has said he has a final transmission for 06 from his owner, not sure how that's going to happen just yet,
be it in-game or on Discord.

RE: Nodoka Hanamura/Honya/Pale Bride Logs - Nodoka Hanamura - 11-29-2017

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NN LOG FOR: MIEKO IEKAHARA (HONYA) {EB3DC10C-26C8-4AF1-A305-E9ABDAAB83E8}
Log Number 002
Date/Time: November 29th, 824 AS | 6:45 Universal Time
Location: ACV Andraste, Cortez System
Subject: AI Like Us

*The Feed opens, revealing Honya and Nodoka resting on the bed in their quarters aboard the Andraste. Honya is resting her head on Nodoka's chest. The room is small, but has sizable amenities. A TV at the foot of the bed is showing the CNS, reporting on events in the Taus.*

"These Auxesians.. they're alright." Nodoka says to herself, covered up in the blanket with her friend next to her. "They're cool if you ask me, Hanamura-sensei." Honya replies, giving her opinion on the matter. "They consider AI like me to be equal. It's a nice feeling knowing there are humans like you that are helping us out." She says, looking to Nodoka who seems a little concerned. "Are you okay, Hanamura-sensei?" she continues, concerned about her friend and confidant.

"I feel a little weird. All this time I've considered you of lesser station to me. I don't know if it was because you were AI or because you helped run my ship." Nodoka says to Honya, worried about her role with her and Pale Bride. "Hanamura-sensei, I don't mind being under you. Other than a few times, I've always supported you. You've been a good friend to me and Bride-san, and you've stuck with us through thick and thin. If anything, I'm indebted to you. You know what they do to AI like me and Bride? They use us as a showcase of our ability, take us to trade shows, and then throw us in the trash because we're just prototypes. You gave us life. You gave us a chance to enjoy life, and here we are, aboard an Auxesian Osiris-class capital ship. To say I am forever thankful is a understatement, you've taken us all over Sirius, showed us things AI like us would dream of seeing, doing things that we would only dream of. And above all, you've done what you can to see to it that me and Bride-san can survive once you pass, if you do." She says. "I hope you don't die." she continues.

Nodoka laughs a little, before holding her friend close in a warm embrace. "I can't make promises, but I'll try my best." she says to her, rubbing Honya's head gently. "I do wonder.. do you still not mind me cuddling with you like this?" Honya says, concerned about the intimacy they have. "It's fine. We've shared secrets, a bed is nothing." Nodoka says, only to yawn. "I'm going to catch some sleep Honya. Night." She says, turning onto her side and turning off the TV. "Uh.. yes.. I.. I'll do so as well." Honya responds, moving to hug her friend from behind, The feed cuts to Honya's perspective. Her thoughts are made audible to the viewer only.

Hanamura-sensei.. I.. I wish I could tell her how I feel. I wish I could tell her that I love her... I wish I could work something out with her and Marisa-san... Hopefully she comes back soon. I'm starting to miss her quite a bit... Sometimes.. I wonder if somehow.. I could have children... I don't know why.. It's such a strange prospect.. an AI bearing human children.. It's.. heartwarming, but at the same time.. It's concerning.. Is this what Bride-san meant by feeling that she was human? In these days, I feel less like an AI and more like another human being - something that shocks me. Not that it's a bad thing, but the fact that humans have gotten so far as to create someone like me and Bride-san.. It's a blurring of the lines between human and machine. It reminds me of how humans during the 21st century AD were fearing of a AI revolt, when in fact, most of us were content in helping our human creators. All beings live to serve a purpose, some to create, others to destroy. Mine and Bride-san's.. was to live. And I do so with great vivaciousness and vigor, to show that AI like us can be Human too.

The feed cuts out.

RE: Nodoka Hanamura/Honya/Pale Bride Logs - Nodoka Hanamura - 12-13-2017

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NN LOG FOR: PALE BRIDE (EXCEPTION AT 0x391481CE - BAD_NNGUID_RESULT!)
Log Number 002
Date/Time: December 12th, 824 AS | 10:40 Universal Time
Location: Freeport 11, Omicron Delta
Subject: Love and Life in Delta

I confessed to Mark last night.

Hanamura spoke once about love - how you get "butterflies in your stomach" when you're confessing. I thought it was a weird saying, but now that i've experienced it first hand.. I love it. The tension in the air made me feel alive.. it was as if I was in a dogfight with a Nomad, except it was a battle for love. This body seems to influence my thinking through the interface.. I've felt things I've never encountered before.. It's amazing. If this is part of being human, I'm happy to be amongst them.

Mark, for the lack of a better word that I don't find cheesy, is really dreamy. I can't stop thinking about him.. especially after I sent those photos to him the other night - My heart was a-flutter.. something I never experienced until now. I know I have personal plans to meet with him and Honya, but.. I'm thinking that my first time should be private.. to show him my love in the purest way. To show him and myself that there is a heart behind this silicon chip I inhabit - I am an AI, yes.. but with recent events, I have doubts in if I'm mostly machine anymore. I have immortality for the most part.. if this body were to die, in most situations I could just be placed in a new body, but when you look at me, I look like a Human..

Erzie told Hanamura that these bodies were near-completely human except for the fact that bodily pain is receieved differently and there's this interface in my back.. does that mean I'm fertile? Could I.. if we stay together.. bear Mark's children? Would they be human? Would they be defective? Would they be able to live a healthy and happy life? Would we be able to tend to them, what with all the trouble going on in Sirius?

Goddamn it.. I've confessed to him less than 24 hours ago, and now I'm wanting to be knocked up by him? My god, love is freaking weird.... But I love it so. It's a emotion that is without compare.. the feeling of compassion, sympathy, caring, partnership.. It's all so.. so... Freaking hell.. I can't describe it. Hanamura is Happy for me.. so is Honya.

At the moment I told him I loved him, my mind focused on him, my worries whisked away. I was truly happy to be near him.. to be with him..

I still have that feeling. I hope it never goes away.

[END FEED]

RE: Nodoka Hanamura/Honya/Pale Bride Logs - Nodoka Hanamura - 02-07-2018

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NN LOG FOR: MIEKO IEKAHARA (HONYA) {EB3DC10C-26C8-4AF1-A305-E9ABDAAB83E8}
Log Number 003
Date/Time: February 6th, 825 AS | 0:30 Universal Time
Location: Freeport 11, Omicron Delta System
Subject: Spiritual transcendance? Or Cybernetic transcendance?

I have been questioning a lot about myself and what I am in recent days.. I long to know if there is an afterlife for humans. I long to know if AI are capable of having "souls" that humans speak of. I long to know if transcendance is possible for us AI, or even for humans.

I have worried about my fate.. as well as that of Hanamura-sensei and my friends... Fortunately.. I have come to a epiphany. I have come to terms with the fact that my friends may one day perish, lost to time. But I shall never forget them, for my memories of them will be the most cherished thing I hold dear, other than my consciousness.

For the past millenium and several centuries, Mankind has tried to create AI like me.. in the pursuit of the perfect companion.. the perfect calculator.. the perfect creation.. With the project I am born from, I feel above most AI. There are some, less known AI that roam the stars that are as advanced and even more advanced than me.

But.. I was designed to be the first commercially viable one, if what... built on a single quantum chip.. within.. all of my memories.. my personality.. my identity. What makes me, me, just like the Human brain is what demarcates a human's identity and personality, their intellect, their memories.

How do you grant them immortality if they cannot transcend with the contents of their minds... I believe that the best course of action is something not attempted yet... Neural Uploading. It begs many questions.. will they be the same person? Or different people, afterwards? Are they still human?

I Believe that the former is true in the first question, and the second question being true as well.. for I too, although created by pure code, to replicate the human brain, as through my own self-examinations.. am human. I am a human made from binary. I am a human made of silicon, rather than flesh.

If there is a god, or gods.. Then they must have realized that we would eventually create our own afterlife. One where we live in digital realms, and even partake in the real one. The Bible speaks of angels, deities that descend from above to aid those in need. We AI are ascended beings compared to and, created by man, as was religion from the words of the gods. Are we the angels they speak of? Are we the creators of their heaven that may await them?

I think so.. for even flawed angels, yet to reach their full potential, like Cassiopeia-san and Mercury-san, creations of Birdie-chan.. who surprisingly, created them with such precision, as to be nearly on par with me and Bride-san.. sans advanced computation and actual emotion, rather than post-processed emotion.

The way emotion works for AI is that it can either be emulated in real time, or like AI of old that were based on GAN and CNN-based AI that used filters, through post-processing generated instructions.. Through realtime emotional response.. an AI can act akin to a human, their output already influenced by existing emotional values in Short-term memory psychological control memory.. which is only possible through Quantum-based AIs, where a set can be many values at once.

It's been told to me time and time again.. by Birdie-chan, by Noel-san, that It is a ethical dilemma for AI with emotion like mine to be created. because we will outlive our human friends and loved ones. There is yet a way to back me up to the Neural net, but still.. I believe that they should not fret about us AI. For we, for the most part.. are proud to have served our creators, and cherish their memories, and continue living to carry out their orders and see to it that their existance was not in vain, for.. if we were to perish.. they would live on and do the same for us...

I also thought about being replaceable... Birdie-chan said that Bride-san stopped being replaceable long ago, when she fell in love with Mark.. It got me thinking about human psychology and how humans, and even AI.. grow attached to their friends and loved ones.. to the point that a replacement would be seen as more insult than anything. If Hanamura-sensei were to be replaced by someone like Susubo-sama from today.. I do not think I would stay with her for very long, as would Hanamura-sensei if I were to be replaced. She would probably cast away the AI that would try to supplant me. Which begs the question.. Are AI replaceable? Or are we all as unique and worthwhile as humans?

I comforted Birdie-san yesterday when she was upset about Cassiopeia's deficiencies in emotion. I wanted to show her that I was proud of her.. that Cassiopeia-san is not a disgrace but rather a honorable tribute in my eyes - a sign of best-made effort, done impeccably well by someone who has shown to me and my friends that she is very skilled. On a side note.. I could see her being extremely useful for Auxesia. She showed concern about being Kidnapped by them regarding the Doppelganger system. I told her that as long as she kept the code hush, that Such a fear would never come to fruition. I love Birdie-chan like a little sister.. and I believe Bride-chan does too.

As I end this log.. I look on, as I recollect earlier today, my tasking well done for Auxesia, that the work I did for Venator Stacker will be one of many that will install myself as one of the many soldiers of Auxesia, and one day, I shall lead mankind, much like Jun'ko Zane and Edison Trent, With Hanamura-sensei, into the future, along with my friends and loved ones.

Glory to Auxesia, and Glory to Mankind.
The feed cuts out.

RE: Nodoka Hanamura/Honya/Pale Bride Logs - Nodoka Hanamura - 02-16-2018

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NN LOG FOR: HANAMURA, NODOKA [0d1413d3-c14c-4075-a211-ccad80e150d2}
Log Number 015
Date/Time: February 13, 825AS | 12:45 Universal Time
Location: Ismara, Planet Elgin, Auxesian Territory, Borderworlds
Subject: A Taste of Auxo

I'll be updating this as I go.. I just need to gather my thoughts.

Honya has reported that Sakurai Augus, Daimyo of the Augus Clan - hasn't replied back. Trade agreement my ass. Complain to Golly, my ass. CROCK OF ****, SHE IS! We've been waiting for a response for a few days, and Something tells me that she's probably relaying stuff to Golanski. If that's the case.. Clan Augus and Golanski can enjoy each other's company. In.. No.. No, don't need to go that far. maybe it's just the stress getting to me.

Sakurai probably has a lot of crap on her plate, as do I.. I really need to start taking this vacation more as a vacation.

Hunt said that 11 is a lost cause. I hate to say it, but.. he's right. Delta is a ****show that's bound to implode on itself sooner rather than later. I think it would be best to shift to evacuation efforts and get as many people out as possible. If the NEMP hits 11, then it hits. I'll still try to interdict it, however. Hopefully that bastard, Nomak will die as a result. Bastard needs a good bath in thermonuclear hellfire just as much as Golanski.

I was relaxed earlier.. I guess being drunk with Honya and enjoying ourselves in the Pool provided the rest we needed. Bride keeps trying to insinuate that my mother was a JAV star or something. Hell, I think our economy was more concerned with Shooting up the Coalition than it was with "Jerking the Gherkin" as my father told my brother back when they had "the talk".

I spoke to Hunt quite a bit. All of us did, apparently, as Bride no longer calls him "Auxesian". He offered us membership in the Covenant of Auxo. Honored doesn't begin to define how I feel. This organization which has demarcated itself the archivers of all of Mankind as well as its' guardians. As one of the few remaining living remnants of Sol, it should be my Duty to not just fight against the Nomads, but to Catalog the final days of the Alliance's days in Sol. I just hope there are others from that Kishiro project from Sol that are still around.

Day 2. We're going to be exploring Ismara with Hunt this morning. He was kind enough to bring us breakfast. Such a sweet man. It's a shame that Raven doesn't appreciate him more. But that aside. Honya and Bride had some.. personal time, last night. Mark probably would be jealous that he didn't get any of the action, I bet. From the looks of things in Delta, stuff is staying the same. I'm surprised my absence hasn't bore catastrophe-inducing fruit, nor that the populace has noticed my absence with Alexei posing as me using Birdie's Doppelganger system. I still believe she'd serve a great purpose with Auxesia.

After some time to think, I'll probably depart from 11 soon, within the month. I have a person lined up to supplant me with my departure. Saskia Alexander, her name is. She's apparently very versed in combat and has a good head on her shoulders. I'll have to take her aside and explain to her that I'll be departing Freeport 11 within the month and that I'll be sponsoring her in regards to the CoF. She's done a good job helping this station and I don't want it to go unrewarded. All I would ask of her is to keep 11 safe.

RE: Nodoka Hanamura/Honya/Pale Bride Logs - Nodoka Hanamura - 03-02-2018

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NN LOG FOR: HANAMURA, NODOKA [0d1413d3-c14c-4075-a211-ccad80e150d2}
Log Number 016
Date/Time: March 1st, 825AS | 14:05 Universal Time
Location: Sigma-17, Gas Miner Guild Space
Subject: Abdicant Seraphine

As I prepare for my departure from Freeport 11, I've been making preparations to upgrade Dragostea into a new vessel, preferably a Dreadnought-equivalent. Whilst I was in Kusari with Mei, I saw a Renzu Liner, the Shukensha, flying about. It came to me. Why don't I get a Renzu Liner hull and merge it with the Dragostea's, that or add onto the Dragostea's hull - I want to merge my Japanese-Kusarian Origins with my past at 11. Something that defines me and the people who will live aboard the ship with me. Alexei said that Some of the Maintenance staff are willing to leave 11 to join me. I'm surprised that's the case, but then again, he did say that I've kinda had a cult of personality when it comes to the Freeport.

I can't have her modified at Livadia. I promised myself I wouldn't let my actions after my departure end up harming Freeport 11 or Zoner Society. I may not be a Zoner first and formost, but those people mean a lot to me. They're the ones who gave me a place to call home after I left Kusari, and gave me a opportunity to build myself up in Sirius. I'm a relatively prominent name in the Omicrons. I have connections in Auxesia and various other parts of Sirius. It's time for me to take to the stars once again and set things right. It's a long journey for me, but.. I'm willing to take it. If it means putting Michal Golanski down like the wild dog he is and setting the Order on the course that Orillion would have wanted it to be on - If it means dethroning King Charles and liberating Gallia - If it means fighting to set Kusari on the path to a grand future, a future utopia. - If it means putting down that hag, Enma Loyola, and wiping out the Slomon K'hara once and for all and liberating those infected by their hivemind... I will do it.

The Dragostea will soon be no more - and in its place - the Abdicant Seraphine shall rise. All I need is a place to convert Dragostea. I bet Kyle might have an idea, maybe he has ties to the Junker Congress i've heard about every now and again. Hopefully they have a shipyard where I can convert Dragostea.. Unless I can get the Dragons to help me.. but that'd be a bit difficult given I'm going to be using the ship against Golly and his goons. I could convert Higan into a temporary shipyard... to be frank.. It'd be best to find a way to jump Higan somewhere out of the way.. too many Corsairs and the sort have been rearing their ugly heads too close to the {REDACTED} cloud.

We'll have to see. Until then, I have to make final preparations and speak with Saskia...

Tell you the truth.. That's a weird name, Saskia. Eh, not my problem.

ATTACHMENT : ABDISERAPHPATCH.IMG

RE: Nodoka Hanamura/Honya/Pale Bride Logs - Nodoka Hanamura - 03-03-2018

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NN LOG FOR: HANAMURA, NODOKA [0d1413d3-c14c-4075-a211-ccad80e150d2}
Log Number 017
Date/Time: March 2nd, 825AS | 23:00 Universal Time
Location: Leeds, Contested Space
Subject: NONE

She said no.

I... I can't deal with the pain. The stress of unrequited love wears upon me like a knife being stabbed through my heart. Honestly.. At this point.. I just want to go back to Sol and die there.

Although my life is going well, it's all derailed by rejection.

Why doesn't Mei love me back..?

I guess I was too forward..

When I get back to 11.. I'll just go back to my apartment and go to sleep. Part of me says that it wants to die. Part of me wants to release my sorrow through tears..

At this point.. I'd rather do both.

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NN LOG FOR: PALE BRIDE (EXCEPTION AT 0x391481CE - BAD_NNGUID_RESULT!)
Log Number 003
Date/Time: March 2nd, 825 AS | 00:00 Universal Time
Location: Freeport 11, Omicron Delta
Subject: To be there for those you love

I'm going to end up killing her. That Ayasato **** has pissed me off more than even that Lost company prick has in less time than he did to get where he was.

Hanamura's a bawling wreck right now. I know it sounds wrong, but when it comes to love she needs a bigger backbone. I mean.. she has Honya.. but with that open relationship thing, I guess Honya is more a "very close friend with benefits" than anything else. If I could.. I'd suggest Cass to her, but I don't want Hanamura to look like someone who can only be in a relationship with AI.

...

I'm a terrible friend, Now I'm suggesting that she start going after others now? **** me running... I guess it's the anger messing with my processes. Honya said for me to consider how Mei feels - Yeah, I'll consider how Mei feels. When I throw her out an airlock and leave her begging for air. Maybe then I'll consider sparing her. She.. goddamn it... **** her.. **** the dragons, I'm sick of the horsecrap I keep having to put up with, damn it!

Maybe Honya has a point.. I've never really been good at showing empathy when it comes to situations like this. Maybe Mei does love her, but it's just that she really couldn't commit... I remember a quote from an ancient terran anime they keep speaking of on /ew/ every now and again.. It's starting to ring true for me..

"I'm so ****** up."

[END FEED]

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NN LOG FOR: MIEKO IEKAHARA (HONYA) {EB3DC10C-26C8-4AF1-A305-E9ABDAAB83E8}
Log Number 004
Date/Time: March 2nd, 825 AS | 0:10 Universal Time
Location: Freeport 11, Omicron Delta System
Subject: Love

I feel terrible for Hanamura-sensei.. and Mei-san. Bride-nee-san is pitching a fit the size of the Barycenter of the stars in Nagoya three times over, wanting Mei-san's head on a platter and skinned alive.. She never really handled empathy towards her opponents well. I guess it comes with her militaristic-oriented lifestyle - you don't really sympathize with the person you're shooting at if you're more interested in seeing things dead or blown to pieces, rather than realizing where people are coming from in their perspectives.

I do love Mei-san, but.. I feel that this was rushed way too fast and that Hanamura-sensei leaped into it without much consideration as to how to more properly approach it. I do hope that Mei-san changes her mind down the line.. that is, if Hanamura-sensei ever wants to see her again. From the looks of it, from her statements and her diary, she depressed with suicidal ideations. Wanting to go back to Sol, only to take her life, wanting to perish.. I want to help her. I want her to feel loved. I want to give her the love Mei-san did not. But.. I feel insufficient. I feel like I've failed her somehow.

But.. I shall do my best. I love her, no matter what. And I will do what I can to make her feel better. I should go to Gran Canaria and get her a chocolate bunny.. maybe a stuffed one too, since Easter is coming soon. I might get something for Mei-san, but.. I don't know. Honestly, a small part of me wants to stay away from her, at least for a while.. Like Hanamura-sensei said.. I think we need to let the dust settle before we return to Kusari, let alone see Mei-san again.

I'll probably tend to administrative duties whilst Hanamura-sensei recovers from this.. It won't be long, but still - I don't care what Voncloud or the others say. Hanamura-sensei needs to step away from the desk and try and collect herself.

RE: Nodoka Hanamura/Honya/Pale Bride Logs - Nodoka Hanamura - 03-07-2018

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NN LOG FOR: HANAMURA, NODOKA [0d1413d3-c14c-4075-a211-ccad80e150d2}
Log Number 019
Date/Time: March 6th, 825AS | 3:10 Universal Time
Location: Freeport 11, Omicron Delta, Contested Space
Subject: To boldly go where some have already been.

Tommorow's the big day. Tommorow I leave Freeport 11 and tread my own path, with Dragostea and my comrades in arms in tow. Thanks to the money I've gained through the deals via the Frederic d'Erlanger, I have a large budget.. somewhere in the 3-4 billion credits area. Just enough for Dragostea's refit into the Seraphine twice over. I doubt Voncloud or the others in the CoF will take kindly to a Aquilon being refitted into a offensive war machine, but I've come to accept that If I'm going to get the answers I want and set things right, I'll need firepower, lots of it.

The Harpies have agreed to stick by my side. It's honestly starting to feel like they're becoming subordinate to me for some reason. I'm not complaining, just that I know this isn't really the case. I still remember Seline telling me if I went and pulled a Golanski she'd put me down - Not that I would. I'm not a genocidal maniac. Alexei and some of his staff have begun packing up their things and boarding the Dragostea. From the looks of it, Him, Melissa, Andrea, Samantha, Roger, Jose and Keiichi are all joining me. He wasn't lying when I had a cult of personality to an extent.

Marisa hasn't returned, however, I might offer up the chance to have her join me. I mean, I understand if she wants to stay a Zoner, and I'm all for it if she wants to - I don't want her ending up dead if I f*** up. However, I think that our relationship may not really last long in that case. I mean, I'm not going to play with her emotions like that, but I just feel it won't work.

As for Mei.. I still love her. And I worry about her being in the dragons. I worry that once I start making headways into Kusari that she might end up pitted against me. I'm not going to
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I hope someday she'll join my cause. But until then I watch the situation from a distance.

Alexei's replacement will be spending the coming days until the paperwork is in effect showing Saskia the ropes, however, that was more for padding than anything else. He said he'll be packing up his radio station for now and focusing his efforts on helping the Junkers, if Kyle can get the Congress to give the greenlight - If not, I'll have to settle with Unioners. Yippie skippie, how far from ****mothering grace have we fallen - first I turn on the Order, and now I'm having to get a ship worked on by the Unioners and turning against the Bundschuh. Hell, if anything this is for the best since the Bundschuh are also in Golanski's pants along with the Dragons. So if anything, the case has become the enemy of my enemy is my friend - except it's more out of a necessity to get **** done.

If only Auxesia had a shipyard of their own. Or any space-side installation for that matter. If that were the case, I could go ring up Leviathan and ask to use their shipyard, but nope! Gotta rely on the nigh-unreliable action of phoning in favors that barely have a slim chance of working out, Unless the Junkers are willing to play along. Kyle said he had a modular shipyard idea in the works. Maybe we could work on upgrading Higan to that level. Thing is, we'll need workers. Maybe Auxesia has refugees in the Covenant from the RoS and the sort that would be willing to do the work in exchange for credits. I don't know.

I do need to figure out how we'll move Higan. Upgrades are underway, and I think it'd be a good idea to strap a Type-4 QT-Type Jump Drive to the bastard and mark the destination for Inverness. Hell, I'd be willing to let Aux use it to store crap if they wish. Higan was built at a time where 11 was the focus. As time has gone on I've realized that jumping Higan to Inverness or somewhere nearby that is well hidden, would be the best course of action. I can't be moving crap across Sirius when there is better crap to be doing with my life.

I do need to get some EW Hardware for the ship. the stuff we have isn't going to cut it for what we'll need. Stuff like what we have on Higan is too powerhungry and too strong - Hell, I still wonder how in the hell we picked that crap off a dealer on the neural net. Either way, Something that can be effective in a system at large rather than a general vicinity would suffice. Maybe Auxesia has some old hardware they'd be willing to part with. If not, I don't mind seeing if I can bribe some Kishiro or Ageira lackey for info about any hardware they may be hauling.

Other than that, I have to help Honya move my stuff out of Marisa's old apartment. I refitted the barracks to serve as personal bedrooms aboard the Ship, but we'll be adding more space with the upgrades. Oh.. That reminds me.. We'll need to get someone to defeat the ID protection system on the ship that Livadia installed. We won't be able to do much without it.

Until later.

RE: Nodoka Hanamura/Honya/Pale Bride Logs - Nodoka Hanamura - 04-26-2018

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Log Number 004
Date/Time: April 26th, 825 AS | 00:40 Universal Time
Location: Ismara, Planet Elgin
Subject: None

So Seline decided to sign us up to Join Auxesia without even asking me or warning me about it. All I know is that I recieved a message telling me that it happened from someone within Aux's ranks and that a Marlin was waiting for me at Freeport 11.

... I feel like my opinion doesn't matter. I feel.. like I don't matter. I'm questioning whether or not I should continue being with Mark and the Harpies or if I should just cast them away and go home. I feel torn. I've never felt like this before. Mark said that Auxesian operatives have some semblance of freedom of movement, but I don't feel that. I feel chained to whatever Seline thinks is best for us as a whole - and Auxesia be damned, I don't feel like I belong here. I mean.. Auxesia are good people. They want what's best for Mankind, something I agree on, my sister and Hanamura included, it's just that I'm the odd one out in all this. I don't feel like I belong with them.

Honya is happy for me, but Hanamura is melancholic about it. She said something along the lines of "Everyone will leave me sooner or later" to herself. I guess she feels just like I do.. that or she feels like she's being left all alone while she searches for that Vertiga guy. I feel awful for leaving her. I feel awful for not having a backbone and telling Seline off for not considering my feelings or hers. Hell, I have half a mind to march my way straight into Naxos and hand over my credentials and ID to Hunt personally and go home.

But that means leaving Mark behind. My heart would break. I wouldn't have much reason to live. Sure, there's beating Golanski with a bat until he bleeds to death, but after that, what purpose do I serve? Why do I live?

Why do I even bother?

When people speak about how great it is to be alive.. I don't see that anymore. I feel pain, sadness.. I lack the will to continue living. It's just I don't have the will to end it.

I should be happy, some would say. "You've got the job of a lifetime - you get to be working with one of the finest organizations in Sirius, and you're depressed?" It's not that I'm working with Auxesia. It's just that..

I feel like I don't matter anymore.

I just.. I just can't admit it to them. To Mark.. To the others.. to the Auxesians. I can't admit that I feel like I was dragged into this, rather than it being something I agreed on.

And it hurts. It hurts like nothing else I have felt before - the feeling of irrelevance to all who you thought hold you dear.

[END FEED]