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+--- Thread: Labs (/showthread.php?tid=16374)
Labs - Ash - 02-11-2009
Labs
A Futuristic Comedy
By Ash
A Futuristic Comedy
By Ash
How Unfortunate... - Ash - 02-13-2009
Christler came bursting in through the door. Axel startled slightly spilled his coffee over some papers on his desk.
"Axel it's!........it's....."
Saving the documents on his desk from the expanding coffee spill he turned his head slightly upwards to look at the man.
"Christler, catch your breath man"
"Axel....theres a problem down in K division, they've lost control of the project and it's turning the place upside down."
"You mean the..."
"Yeah."
"And next door is..."
"Yeah!"
Axel reached for his communicator but Christler interrupted.
"Their communicator is inside the lab Axel"
"Awh dammit"
Axel got up and sped out of his office door, christler following close behind looked to him occasionally for a word of assurance but none came. The two men ran through the corridors of the building until they reached the elevators. The two of them piled into the elevator capsule and Axel slammed his fist on the button for the 14th floor. Peace flooded the elevator in such a desperate time that it seemed to alter the mood in itself as they waited.
"........So........hows Betty and the kids?"
"Their good!....yeah, Betty's gone to see her mother in hospital today so shes not feelin' great. Hows Freya?"
"Yeah! She's great!.......yeh, great............"
Both men looked at their shoes for a moment.
The elevator doors slid open and they both burst into a sprint down the corridor. Left, right, right, then left again until they saw a few distressed looking men in white coats staring through a window. Axel and Christler almost missed the scene as they slid past comicly in an attempt to stop.
Axel stared through the window in kind...
"Ohhhhhhhh boy..."
Behind the window was a white room with tiles hanging off the ceiling and a few large holes in two of the walls. In the center of the room a large robotic arm like creation flung itself from side to side at all angles, flailing its one arm into anything and everything in range.
"Lost control you say?"
"Y...yep" Replied one of the men nervously
All the men stood motionless staring at the arm utterly obliterating the laboratory before them.
"Do you guys even know whats next doo..."
"Yep!" They all replied.
Axel turned his attention away from the room towards the shuddering scientists before him.
"What have you tried doing so far?"
"Well we tried pulling the plug"
"Did it work?"
"Well judging by the rapid increase of holes in the lab I don't think so"
The arm suddenly caught a cupboard unit and swung it round at the window. The men flinched backwards as the unit bounced off the window leaving it cracked from corner to corner.
"Ok, let's get this nightmare over with shal we?"
Axel pulled his communicator out of his pocket and put it to his ear.
"Hey Josh.........Yeh..........Josh.........Hey Josh Listen a moment will ya!"
"I need you to reboot the power for the entire second tier."
"Yes i'm serious!"
"Just do it, i'l take the bla.."
At that moment the arm punched a hole in the ceiling above it and a water like substance poured through the hole and over the arm. The men looked amongst each other in astonishment. The arm's movements became more sluggish and pathetic as the liquid began to burn it like acid. Eventually the arm rested unmoving and yet again all the men stared gaping at what had just happened.
"Uh...actually....scratch that Josh"
"Wow" Commented Christler
Axel suddenly pulled himself together.
"Job done! Let's go."
He began to set off back down the way he came and Christler followed rather sheepishly.
"Buh....My lab..........." Said one of the men still gaping.
"Well......that wasn't hard"
"Nope" Replied Christler
A slight pause occured as they both turned the corner of the corridor taking them out of sight of the other men. The two of them suddenly burst out laughing and Christler fell to his knees hugging his stomach in hysterics.
Promoted - Ash - 02-16-2009
"Well done earlier Axel, the explosive guys in L division were getting pretty shook up."
Axel walked around his desk after closing the door behind the chief director and reclined into his chair with a sigh. He turned his head out of the window to his right to take in the landscape below the epicly tall skyscraper which his office was located in.
"So what was it you wanted Heinrich?"
"It's not so much what I want it's what I have. And right now i've got an empty director of research desk on the 55th floor."
Axel's shot away from the window and to the director. A small grin appeared on the directors face as he saw Axel figure out what he was talking about.
"You mean..."
"Congratulations Axel, move your things up there by tomorrow unless you don't want the job. I'l see you then to help you get started.
The director stood up and shook Axel's hand who just stood up aswell with his mouth gaping. Axel clutched the directors hand for a while before the director cut in
"Ahem, ima.....gonna need my hand back there Axel"
"Yeah! Yes! Ahem, Yeah. Thanks Heinrich.....thanks"
"No problem, it's been a while and the board has agreed that your the best man for the job so your all in. Anyhow i've gotta get myself to Adolf down in I division, he's bent on getting a risk assessment and I gotta convince him he isn't getting a fourth one."
"Hah, yeah alright, thanks again Heinrich."
The director waved at Axel before closing the door behind him on the way out of his office. A slight moment passed where Axel stood there leaning on his desk staring at the door where Heinrich had just been.
"YES!"
Two arms in the air he shouted at the top of his voice in euphoria.
"CMOOOOOOOOOOON!"
In a michael angelo pose, he continued his victory dance until one of the receptionists from outside strolled in with an armful of paper. She paused for a moment not sure what to make of his slam dunk pose that he tried to hide so elegantly when she entered but instead ignored it and started to talk.
"Uh, the new order of MMC's just came in and Josh needs you to sign these papers, sent it up through the tube."
"Alright"
Axel took the papers and signed them down on his desk before handing them back to her and letting her leave. Again he walked over to his chair and sank into it with an enourmous sigh.
"Wow"
Good News! - Ash - 07-29-2009
Axel closed the door behind him with a sigh of relief when he got home. He was blessed by a moment of peace before a glowing red and apparently angry Freya came storming towards him down the hallway.
"Why the hell did you call me in sick again this morning!?"
"Well i.."
"When i specifically told you not to!"
"Well you see i.."
"And you still did it! Again!"
"Now Frey.."
"Cmon! I'm waiting!"
"Freya honey..."
"Yes!?"
"Your obviousley a bit stressed out.."
"Yeah im stressed out, of course im stressed out, but you don't seem to understand the reason i'm stressed ou.."
"Freya! Relax! And let me explain..."
"I'm waiting..."
The heat began to rise in Axel's head as he realised he had no other better reason than the usual to provide her with. And by the time she looks like a beetroot he's pretty much boned if he doesn't come up with something smart and satisfactory for a explaination. But suddenly Axel was gifted with inspiration at this most desperate of times.
"Well firstly honey, you work too hard and you deserve the time off.."
"Heard it! We can't afford for me to have the time off Axel! We have to earn that money for us to pay for the revinue but were tied down because of our trip to Berlin and..."
"Freya! It's not a problem, i've got some good news."
"Well it better be.."
"I got the promotion..."
The frustrated, impatient expression remained on Freya's face as if frozen in time for a moment for her brain to catch up. Then suddenly all the red flooded out of her face to reveal her peachy coloured skin in it's place. Freya launched herself onto Axel who magnificently caught her by some divine miracle. She continued to hold him tight with her arms wrapped around him without a single sound.
"Uhm, Freya Honey?" said Axel's muffled voice from somwhere in her shoulder.
"Urghmh?"
"Are you alright?"
She replied with a sound that somhow resebled a positive answer.
"Because in all my 12 years of marriage this has got to be the first time you've not commented about something i've said."
Freya finally let go of Axel dropping down onto her feet in front of him with a surprised and almost confused face. She rearranged her clothes for a second to press out any creases.
"Well it's about time!"
Axel tilted his head upwards for a moment before heading into the kitchen after his wife.
"Theres always a catch isn't there?"
Mishaps - Ash - 01-20-2011
The process was almost complete, all Adolf had to do was gently add the liquid pyrexium to his solution. 7 Years spent earning his Nanochemistry degree, 3 Years Biochemistry and a career lasting over a decade coming down to one of the most delicate and complex reactions that can be artificially made.
Slowly he tilts the flask to add the pyrexium....
BANG!
Adolf jumped slightly in shock and panicked as the liquids he was holding shook violently in their flasks. Quickly he regained control. The door to the lab had budged slightly in the frame.
BOOM!
PSHEED
PSHEED
"That should do it..."
Josh walked in in his overalls holding clipboard and a pencil over his ear.
He turned and saw a very pissed off looking Adolf...
"Oh, sorry there doc, had a few complaints about your door"
Adolf put down his apparatus and turned on his stool.
"But did you have to do it now?"
Josh just shrugged and walked in taking the pencil from over his ear and taking notes on his clip board.
"What are you doing?"
"Risk assess doc, checkin your electrics"
"Alright...just..just don't touch anything"
Adolf turned and began putting bungs on top of the flasks he was using.
SMASH!
"Oh..Bummer.."
"What did I say!?"
Adolf rushed over to where Josh had knocked a flask onto the floor. Putting on his glasses he got down on his hands and knees to inspect what he'd spilt. Slowly Adolf's facial expression turned from frustration, to puzzlement, to surprise, to passed out.
Josh stood in mild surprise at how Adolf had just slumped onto the floor on his knees, with his face in a water-like puddle of something. Josh popped a stick of gum into his mouth and tapped his communicator.
"Hey axe man"
"Your not gonna believe this, old Dolfy here's takin a dirt nap"
"Aunno, he was just sniffin this stuff and passed out"
John bent down to pick up a shard of glass with a label hanging from it.
"Eye..so..floor..ane."
"Alright, but......yeah..I figured you'd wanna handle this case personally"
"Because you may want to bring a camera to 'document the circumstances' heh"
"You got it bro"
Josh headed out the door and shouted down the corridor.
"Hey Bjorn! Dude! You got a pen marker!?"
Anger Issues - Ash - 01-20-2011
Muffled voices came from behind the door.
"But doctor you can't go in ther.."
Adolf swung the door open and stormed in up to Axel's desk.
"This is unacceptable....unprofessional.......unethical....childish behaviour!"
Adolf threw down a handful of paper that appeared to have photocopied photos printed on them onto Axel's desk.
"Well this is unprofessional"
Replied Axel who began clearing away his paperwork before turning his attention to the paper Adolf had thrown. He inspected the paper one sheet at a time trying not to let his grin show. He turned his attention to Adolf and snorted after almost bursting out laughing when he'd realised the drawn-on moustache and eyebrows were still on his face.
"Jesus! Does no-one have a sense of professional conduct around here!?"
Axel composed himself and pushed the photos aside out of sight.
"Look Adolf, what do you want me to do?"
"I want that imbicile Josh's head on a platter!"
"Were talking about Josh from technical support?"
"Right"
"And I take it you assume it was him that was responsible for all this?"
"Right"
"Can you prove these allogations?"
"Ah..I..."
Adolf turned and rubbed the back of his neck. He turned again to face Axel.
"I know it was him!"
"Ohhhh right, and I spose if we solved all our dilemmas on the word of one man we'd be where we are today right?"
"Don't mock me 'Director', I still can't believe Heinrich, it's like a damn popularity contest up here i swear. As well as the 'incident' down in K Division yesterday, management in this place is a shambles!"
"Oh right, and a man who sticks his face into a puddle full of chloroform instead of reading the damn label could do it better I presume?"
Adolf's face turned red.
"I know your damn good at your job, Doctor. I also know every other member of staff I chose to have under me is damn good at theirs. I've passed your relentless risk assessment requests because those few comforting neccessities can make you do your job a hell of alot better. So I ask you let the rest of my staff have their breaks so we can all get along and do our job."
Adolf calmed but was still stirring on the spot.
"Alright....but this.."
He pointed to his face.
"Is unacceptable"
"It wont happen"
Adolf turned and dissapeared out the door. As he walked past Axels secretary she leant back in her chair to peer into Axels office and caught his eye. Lifting a picture of Adolf faceplanting with a educational skeleton posed at a sexual angle behind him into view; she mouthed the word
*Hah!*
Axel rubbed his forhead and tapped his communicator.
"Alright Josh, next time, could you not post the pictures to every corner of the building, and permanent marker? For god sakes man"
The Tour - Ash - 04-23-2013
"It's an honour to meet you Doctor Grant"
Axel rose from his desk to and shook the hand of the formally dressed man who'd just walked in.
"Empire Technologies have really opened doors in nano particle manipulation for the whole sector. In fact a few of our divisions in this very building are working on projects in nano biotechnics"
"Well it's a pleasure to meet you Doctor, I found your latest report on biosynthetics...most intriguing"
Axel nodded in thanks and released his handshake and sat, the man sat, unbuttoned his jacket and crossed his legs.
"We do hope to come to some form of collaboration after all this. So, what do you have to offer Doctor?"
Axel stood and gestured for Doctor Grant to follow.
"I feel a short tour of our ongoing projects would be more suitable, would you say Doctor?"
Doctor Grant gestured:
"Lead the way..."
The two of them proceeded out of the office and around a corner toward the main elevator shaft.
"At A.E. HQ our R&D department is spread throughout the second tier and is the only department to occupy it. The entire second tier is reinforced structurally for containment and safety purposes and can uphold the third and fourth tiers without support of the first thanks to exterior support pillars as you can see.."
Axel gestured to a colossal cylindrical column blocking half the cityscape from view in a nearby window.
"Quite handy in unfortunate circumstances.."
Doctor Grant raised an eyebrow. They arrived at the elevator which opened almost immediately. They both stepped inside and Axel pressed one of the buttons. The doors closed and the elevator shot downward.
"Are projects arranged in accordance to subject?"
"Yes and no"
The doors opened revealing a wide grey corridor with many intersections ahead. Leaving the elevator they began to walk and took a right turn.
"Projects are split into divisions A through U although K division is currently closed for..refurbishment"
A lab with a cracked window came into view on the left. Axel swiftly took a left turn to avoid it.
"Each division is capable of hosting up to five individual projects of it's kind...for example.....L division - industrial explosives"
Axel slowed and turned to a window on the right where a skinny looking man with his back to them wearing some serious headgear was working on something delicate.
"In here we currently have three projects running into explosive efficiency to be used in asteroid mining. Cedric in that room in the far corner is working on alternate deployment methods"
At that moment the man in the far corner appeared to discharge a device he was working on which flooded the room with soot and blotted him from view.
"Don't worry he's fine. On the side bench on the right there is Ernst, he's looking into safer means of containment for motion sensitive explosives that Frederich here.."
Axel pointed to the man with the headgear just behind the window.
"..is currently working on"
The man with the headgear turned from his work to and saw Axel through the window and whatever it was he was wearing over his eyes. He waved at Axel accidentally catching a flask with a viscous looking liquid inside on his elbow sending it rolling off the bench.
Doctor Grant and Axel shrinked away as it fell, but the man just caught it before it hit the ground with a look of disbelief like his life flashed before him.
"Anyway moving on!"
Axel gestured down the hallway and Doctor Grant followed, looking rather unnerved.
They stopped at another window revealing a lab on their left.
"Here we have O division - mostly trialling prototypes in construction and industrial machinery"
The two men gazed into the room where an array of scientists were walking around work benches with notepads nonsensically, occasionally stopping to take notes from nothing in particular.
Doctor Grant raised an eyebrow. Axel noticed.
"That fly on the wall better be the way you get the CR-6 to work Hendersen, cos you've been taking notes from it since I came around this morning!"
All the men in the room stopped looking ashamed.
"I want the latest diagnostics on my desk by tomorrow morning or you can all choose which one of you gets fired. Now do some work people!"
Axel nodded to the room opposite which had a window revealing a very untidy looking lab with metal arms, legs, tools, nuts, bolts, wires and cables strewn about the benches.
"Where is she?"
Axel whispered to himself...
A moment later a skinny and flustered looking woman stumbled into view and seemed to be in quite a hurry. She tweaked and prodded things that lay about as she made her way through the room as if she were looking for something.
"Christine here runs N division - robotics - and she's the only person manning her division as a matter of fact"
The two of them stood there and continued to watch the crazed woman bumble around the room for a moment before Axel said anything.
"You wouldn't believe it now but whenever we give her a team to work with the overall productivity is actually worse"
They stood there for a moment longer until Axel nodded down the hallway and the Doctor followed pensively.
"As a director of research I feel it's important that each individual feels comfortable here, people tend to work better that way. The door up ahead is Y division, it's a store room more or less for some of our temporarily shelved projects"
The door was some ways off so Axel continued to fill the silence.
"Personally I see this room as a waiting room for some of our greatest achievements. I'm sure once you see some of the things we've been able to accomplish here, you'l recognise how much of a focused, disciplined and professional department this is"
Doctor Grant nodded, still pensive. Axel smiled and they finally approached the door. Axel opened and went in with the Doctor close behind and they were immediately confronted by Josh straddled, grinding and laughing over what appeared to be a rather large ballistic missile.
Axel's face fell into his hands.
An aweful silence passed where only Josh's dumb laughter echoed through the room.
"Josh! Get Down! NOW!"
Josh was stumped after noticing the two of them standing there watching his perverse little display. He slid down off the rocket and stumbled onto the floor, brushing himself down as he shuffled toward them shamelessly.
"Well hey Axe...I just left my uh monkey wrench up.."
"OUT! JOSH!"
"Right on.."
Josh slipped out and the two were left with the looming presence of the enourmous missile illuminated by a spotlight above.
Axel wondered how the day could get any worse.
"Well..."
RE: Labs - Ash - 04-27-2015
"Send in the next one"
A slender looking man in a sharp looking suit wandered in, sat himself on the chair opposite Axel and lifted his feet to rest on his desk. Axel took a moment to think how to take this bold entrance but let it go for now.
"So what can you tell me about your submission?"
The man took a moment to make himself comfortable before addressing Axel. In a deep voice he said:
"It's a universal remote"
He placed the sleek looking device on Axel's desk before sitting back to watch his expression. It was a small round looking object that somewhat resembled a black pebble. The well dressed man seemed to be waiting for a response.
"So it's for TV?..."
The man yanked back the remote and began pressing a few buttons.
"It's for everything"
As he said that a car hovered into view outside the window to his left. Axel noticed there was no-one in the driver's seat.
"That yours?" he said pointing his thumb at it.
The man nodded and pressed a few more buttons and the car dropped from view. Casually pointing the remote at a lamp in the corner it immediately blinked on, then off. He flipped the remote over, pointed it backwards and the door behind them opened and in came the office cleaner automaton that began sweeping the floor.
"Very impressive. But..."
"Oh that's not it..."
The man began pushing buttons in a variety of combinations and the windows, doors and lights functioned with minds of their own. The secretary cried outside apparently quite distressed by it all. Then came the boom of the emergency announcement system:
TEN SECONDS TO LOCKDOWN
"Alright! Alright! Alright! You've proven your point!"
Axel was now up and out of his chair. The man allowed the countdown to reach FOUR before he flipped the remote and everything went back to normality.
"It really is a fascinating device. But i simply cannot see how hacking hundreds of domestic firewalls and breaking several cyber crime laws, not to mention..."
He pointed outside...
"...the highway code can be justified for commercial development."
The man huffed...
"Amateurs"
He stood and strode out the door leaving Axel rather suspended in the moment. Before long Axel came to and touched the intercomm.
"Alright Deborah send in the next one."
In strolled a large looking man in a seemingly undersized lab coat. He gazed around the room cautiously before taking a seat opposite the desk.
"So what have you got for me?"
The man shrugged a few times and reached into a satchel he had brought in. He took a black box out of it and placed it in front of Axel. Pointing at it he said:
"How much for that?"
Axel took the box and brought it toward him. It was seemingly unremarkable and pondered it's purpose before realising that it was merely a container. Finding a seam to which he was able to pry open with his finger he slowly opened it to view it's contents. Axel looked closer at it realising it to be nothing more than a simple yet pleasantly patterned...
"Sir..... this is a towel...."
"What? That's not what wiggy said."
Axel lifted it out of the box, giving it a slight flap to be sure.
"Nope. That's definitely a towel."
"I'm gonna get that dirty, sneaky little....."
And he snatched the box back and marched out the door before anymore of what he said could be heard. Axel's head dropped to his hands in frustration. There was a time when he enjoyed recruitment events like this one but now it seemed the only tech people had to pitch was either illegal, stolen or just plain garbage. As he thought that a woman cupping a big pile of smelly looking, moss encrusted dirt entered.
"No!"
Axel pointed at the door and the women turned and left with her head hung.
"Next!"
A shaky, frail and greasy haired man now sat across from Axel's desk holding what can only be described as a spikey football on his lap. The device itself seemed quit vicious with each point needle-sharp and extending more than a hands width in every direction. With his hands carefully placed between the prongs the man lifted the orb and presented it to Axel.
"May I present...uh.....oof..........."
The man's glasses slid down his nose a touch, but the unforgiving object he held would not allow him to spare a hand to correct them. Thus he continued his speech with his head at a 45 degree angle while struggling to keep an eye on his audience. He eagerly lifted the object toward Axel.
"The Quantum-Planar-Translocapsule!"
Axel shied away from the rather harsh looking spikes and waited for his guest to continue. The man placed the machine on Axel's desk making a few scratches in the process that he seemed not to care for. As he spoke the twitchy scientist's pitch gradually gained in excitement and volume to an ultimate crescendo.
"Observe. The small opening allows one to insert any item they so desire; within reason of course. For instance take this mug.."
"W...Wait..That's actually from my grandmothe..."
"..I insert it into the translocapsule, close the hatch and set the device to transport it and we're off!"
The device hummed and sparks flew between the outward pointing prongs before it seemed almost sucked into oblivion in a violent flash. This left the man in view in place of the device with his arms raised above his head in excitement.
"So what you think!?"
Axel seemed somewhat puzzled, but mostly worried about the marks the spikey football might have left on his poor and unsuspecting desk.
"What happened?"
The inventors hands dropped and his expression turned to bafflement.
"What do you mean?"
"What happened to your tele... your transmo... thing?"
"Well, I conjoined a pair of quantum conversion matrix decouplers to a nano core fission apparatus to bring about a sub-planar tr..."
Axel was clearly lost by this point. He interjected:
"Alright, so where is it?"
The scientist seemed rather flummoxed by this question.
"Well.... uh....."
At that moment a call came through to Axel's desk and his secretary's voice buzzed on the intercomm.
"Call up from G division"
"Can it wait?"
"Karl's saying it's urgent"
"Fine put him on"
Karl's panicked, out-of-breathe voice yelled through the intercomm system.
"Axel we've got a BIG problem! Our MOX has flooded the entire storage compartment and it's slowly spreading through the rest of G division. We need you to lock it down."
"Woah wait wait wait wait wait. Tell me what's happening."
"We don't know, one minute we were testing the PSR12 pneumatic system and Bjorn hears a rattling in the storage compartment. Before we know it about five canisters of MOX are leaking radiation all over the place. We've sealed it off now but alot of it is already out of containment."
"Do we know what's causing it?"
"Not a clue.....wait......what? ......right, Marcus says he saw something stuck on one of the canisters, some kind of...... what?....... but that doesn't make sense....."
"What is it Karl!?"
"Marcus says it looked like a spikey football.... I have no idea what he's talking about. Do you?"
Axel's gaze levelled with the nervous looking inventor before him with a silently furious expression. The man smiled but shrank into the chair behind him when he realised his chances for this break we're completely diminished.
"Lockdown authorised"
TEN SECONDS TO LOCKDOWN
And as the emergency lights blinked around them and the reinforced shutters closed on the windows Axel only thought one thing.
'I hate Mondays'
RE: Labs - Ash - 02-16-2017
Axel sighed, moving aside another file of papers he'd sifted through that afternoon. Taking another swig of his coffee mug he gazed over the next sheet of paper to cross his desk. His brow furrowed as he read on. Half way down the page he tapped on the intercom and growled after realising for the fifth time that week it hadn't worked properly since the "incident".
"Sheila?!...."
A moment passed, Axel scooted his chair a bit and leant over his desk.
"Sheila...................oh for crying out... SHEILA!!"
The patter of heeled shoes echoed through the door until his secretary appeared.
"Yeeeees?"
"You know anything about this intern down in Q division?"
"Uhhh.... a new recruit I think, took him on two weeks ago. Is there a problem?"
"Well it's a complaint form, though it's numbered as the fourth one submitted this week. Is this the first you've heard?"
Sheila shrugged.
"Well.."
He rose from his desk.
"I could do with getting away for a minute or two. Hold down the fort for me would you Sheila?"
Axel left and headed out toward the elevator. Rounding a corner he spotted Adolf marching his way vigorously ranting with a colleague probably about some insignificant yet overly exaggerated problem which would surely take a sizeable chunk out of Axel's day. He wheeled around and found a little niche to hide in as the pair passed.
"....can't believe that he's redirecting my funding to refurb those clowns in K, can you believe the nerve?! I'm telling you........."
Slipping out behind them, Axel emerged from his cubby hole and headed for the main stairwell. Three floors down, he emerged and began making his way through the labs. Grabbing a lab coat from one of the communal hooks, he pulled it on as he pushed through a door marked 'R'. Axel looked around at the surprisingly empty laboratory and raised an eyebrow.
"Arnold!"
He pressed on through the lab into the next room. Still nobody.
"Arnold!"
"SHHHHHH!"
The hushing noise had stopped him in his tracks. A woman wearing a visor and thick rubber gloves stuck her head round a door frame on the opposite side of the room and came jogging toward Axel with her index finger to her mask.
"SHHHHHHHHHHHH! SHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Right up to his face.
"SHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh......shhhhooooshhooshhhhhhhh"
"..Ok"
"SHH!"
She prodded his chest. Waving one finger she gestured Axel to follow her back to the room she'd emerged from. Once inside, he saw the room was filled with six or seven scientists all gazing through a large window into an isolated lab with a technician fiddling with something at a workbench. The woman in the visor tapped Axel's arm and leant in to whisper.
"Bertram's.."
Suddenly whatever the man behind the glass was working on exploded into a translucent orb, filling most of the room and now encasing the poor fellow inside it. Everyone watching let out a moan of disappointment and turned to look at them both. His female companion cowered slightly.
“Uh.... Yeesh... Sorry guys...”
Each of the disgruntled scientists made their way back into the main lab mumbling amongst themselves. One of the elder looking men approached them both rubbing his face in angst.
“Every time Maureen. As if the soundproof visor wasn’t enough? We’ll duct tape you to the wall next time"
"Arnold"
Axel shook the man’s hand in greeting.
”How’s it going Axel? Sorry about the palaver. Bertram's working on the ODS-250 prototype, it's in it's critical development stage, and quite sensitive to sound waves. ISN’T THAT RIGHT MAUREEN?"
“Yeaaah”
”So what can I do for you?”
"Tell me about this new intern"
”Ah... right... ...well you see the thing is, he’s not really... ...here ...anymore”
"Then where is he?"
”Uhhh... Hugo”
"Hugo"
”Hugo”
"The third intern we’ve given you this quarter, and the third intern you’ve knocked off to Hugo"
Arnold stood there looking sheepish for a moment.
”yyyyes?”
"Come on Arnold, we have a deal with the academy, you can’t keep passing them off to Hugo so they’ll crack and give up. Besides...”
”Hugo is crazy”
"Hugo is crazy"
”Right”
"Come on, you’re coming with me to fetch him and apologise for any... ‘damage’ Hugo’s done. Then we’ll suck it up and hold his hand while we help fill out his little colouring book or whatever and the academy will keep the funding flowing. OK?"
Arnold huffed.
”...Fine”
The two set off down a corridor between the labs which went through a series of left and right turns. As they rounded one corner Axel halted.
"You hear that?"
Arnold squinted and tilted his head.
"A... an alarm?"
The two upped their pace toward the sound into a jog.
”No, no it’s a.. a..”
”Bird?”
”No it’s more like a..”
The two burst through a set of double doors marked ‘Q’ and were immediately taken aback. This part of Q division was an octagonal shaped mezzanine with low inset flooring. In the centre the intern was sat slumped in a chair with a crown strapped to his head sprouting wires that ran to all corners of the room. A machine somewhere was humming intermittently which struck perfectly in time with shrieks let out by the intern. In the far corner a man in a lab coat was casually pedalling on a stairmaster.
”Right...”
"HUGO!!!"
Hugo looked over at them both and waved.
”Oh hi!”
As he stepped down from the stairmaster and the humming ceased. The intern slumped down in his chair with a dazed look across his face. Hugo marched across the room jovially to meet them face to face.
”How’s it goin?”
”We agreed! No more... this.. Hugo!
Hugo’s face winced and he began sniffing the air strenuously.
”Nooo......"
He darted off to the left and began rummaging through a bench littered with papers and equipment.
"Nooo it couldn't be....."
”Arnold, check on the intern. Hugo, we said didn’t we? We said no more intern testing. Didn’t we say that? No more intern testing.”
”He’s ok!”
”AHAH! I knew it!”
”What?
”Waffle iron, left it on. Now where were we?”
Axel gestured at the intern with an annoyed look.
”What the hell Hugo?”
”Oh just a twist on a nervous interface, needs a bit of tweaking really, it’s all good fun. Here, what happened to the last fella? He was a hoot, this one’s all bones, doesn’t get any of my jokes.”
”You made his left leg sentient”
”Oh yeah... good times! Toast?”
A toaster popped on the bench behind them.
”Okay Hugo, we can’t keep doing this. Interns are people, not guinea pigs. If you want to run tests then apply for human trials like normal people. This is not your free-reign workshop. Got it?”
”Ah! That reminds me”
Hugo pulled a plastic casing about the size of book from his pocket and handed it to Axel.
”Integration protocols for the Halo VR”
Axel’s eyes widened as he took it. Meanwhile Hugo took a bite from his slice of toast and wandered away.
”But that is why I love you"
RE: Labs - Ash - 04-01-2017
"Okay thank you everyone for coming, please take your seats"
The audience settled in the large amphitheater. Axel stood up front with a projected image of a line graph on the wall behind him
"Now in this month’s whole-lab meeting we’re going to discuss a few stats, address some problems on the development front and of course, go over our latest incidents."
"But before we get started I wanted to read out a few memos sent in by some of our division leads as well as some of my own."
Axel picked up a notepad from the desk in front of him and flipped through the pages.
"Our latest intake of interns are making their rounds as you know. Harvey who is currently in D will be transferred to M, Bryony in N will be transferred to D, and apologies again to Malcolm who will be moving into Q until we can re-open K."
Malcolm, sat near the front left shuffled in his seat uneasily while Hugo, sat top right and nibbling on a slice of toast gave a big thumbs up.
"Speaking of which, I have four memos from our renovation contractor for K. The first states that the work should be concluded by the end of the month. The second states that while this is the case it will not be up to safety standard until a later date, which begs the question what the hell we hired them for? The third mentions something about a funny smell on the second tier concourse, and the fourth basically summarizes that there are further delays. All in all they’re clueless and K is going to be without a home for the foreseeable future. So unfortunately you fellas are going to have to bunker down in the CHAZMB for a few more weeks until we iron this thing out."
"…Which reminds me, will people please stop using the CHAZMB as their secret slacking spot? It’s our CONTAINMENT OF HAZARDOUS MATERIALS BUNKER. I’ve been looking through the surveillance feed I’ve got people using the emergency intercom for personal calls, forklift drag racing and a Tuesday weekly poker game – to which I wasn’t invited."
Axel darted a glare at Josh who shrank into his seat and tilted his cap over his face.
"Come on guys. We hold some of the most hazardous substances known to man. Most of this stuff will give you cancer, seizures, paralysis, or irreversible dystrophy, and that’s the best of it. We need to take this more seriously. I mean yesterday I went down there and found Perkins having lunch on a can of MOX."
The crowd shuffled and Axel sighed, flipping through the notepad.
"Next item"
"Will whoever has been disrupting our weekly shipment of Krotox please stop doing so."
"…Wait..."
"Bernie… Krotox?"
A balding man in the middle of the audience gave a nod of assurance
"Like the caustic nerve agent?"
"That’s right"
"Well how much of it is missing?"
"Uh… About 20 to 25 canisters."
"And you didn’t think to tell me sooner?"
"Errr…."
"What use is anyone else in this building going to have for Krotox Bernie?"
"Errr…."
"Axel tapped his communicator.
"Sheila, can you set up a meeting with homeland"
"Yeah like homeland security"
"Today, ASAP"
His audience sat in silence, fixated
"Got it"
Axel hung up
"God damn it Bernie"
Again he leant into the desk in front of him and let out a big sigh
"Moving on!"
"HR has asked me to kindly remind you all that there is a new anti-negativity policy in place. They ask that you to read through it at your earliest convenience. As R&D director it is my responsibility to inform you all how important it is that we all adhere to this new policy and pretend we all work in a glitter encrusted rainbow. "
"And finally, the second tier canteen ladies have been having a bit of trouble deciphering why the mashed potatoes keep turning turquoise and have asked anyone who knows anything to come forward"
The amphitheater broke into an array of mumbled discussions, making this the most broadly concerning matter so far.
"Now onto some figures"
The amphitheater hushed
"There are none!"
"Not a single one of our divisions has managed to produce anything viable for production in the entire first quarter. We have until the end of the second quarter to produce a minimum of three viable prototypes across the board if we want to keep eating toxic sub rolls."
"I don’t need to tell you what happens if we don’t make that quota. So get to work!"
"Now, the bane of my existence, the latest incidents report."
"Incidents involving explosives are down by over fifteen percent from six to five this month. It would have been four, except the incident in R earlier this week was unfortunately classed as having an explosive aspect, so tough luck there Bertram."
"Our work related sickness and absence is down from last month, though this could be partially down to the latest edition of the policy which has ruled out numerous psychological disorders. As a result this has had a positive effect on our incidence rate, so a nice boost there."
"But then of course we have THE incident in G earlier this month which I’m sure you’re all aware of. Karl is still on sick leave though I’ve heard his skin isn’t purple anymore which is good. The interstellar health and safety investigations committee are still around though so try and be on your best behavior."
"The RM7 prototype from N is still missing; it was last seen around the maintenance corridors near strut four. Be aware that it has been programmed with a hide and seek simulation as part of its development. If you see it, keep it in your sight and call tech support to have it deactivated. Every time it gets away it WILL be harder to find. So stay sharp."
"That about covers it."
"One last thing, we have a team of accreditation auditors coming in to review our standards. For the love of god, please will you guys pull it together for the inspection? It will be a miracle if we land this standard of excellence award at any rate, but we need to be on our A-Game regardless."
"Alright then."
"Any questions?"