Breaking News! This is the New Caledonia News Service...

[Commonwealth]

Studio director: "Okay, you're live on the air in three…"

Janet: *Muttering* "Mysogynist…"

Clayman: *Whispering* "….Sycophantic…"

"Two, One…"

Janet: "…You get me fired and I'll piss on your plastic-plated tomb…"

"You're live on the air - do try to smile now."

N.C.N.S – The New Caledonia News Servicetm

(In conjunction with the ‘Colony News Servicetm’ – ‘All the news that’s fit for youtm’, registered trademarks of their parent companies).



Clayman: *With a slickness only his hair oil could rival*“Good evening my fellow New Caledonians, this is Bryce Clayman your anchor for tonight, and sitting to my direct right is my pulchritudinous comrade in crime, the beautiful, majestic and forever capable Janet O’Hara.’



Janet: *smiles obscurely, then fixedly.* “…Mh, right Bry’.” *Takes an obvious, cleansing breath.* “This week’s been quite the number, folks – the news has been coming in like brine over a Chilliwack seawall, and the water table just keeps on rising. Our photographers have been drowning in it…”

Clayman: *Harumphing notably* “…Sure thing Jan’.” *Hurriedly* “…And lined up tonight we ask the question: Is medicinal Stabline truly safer for the Orange-addicted than continued usage of the plant? Are we merely playing God, and is the continued rollforward of so-called ‘Anti-addict, anti-dealer’ legislation in place with our northerly neighbours truly responsible for the sudden rise of Carmine Dependency Syndrome-related withdrawal symptoms cited within Libertonian mortician’s reports a by-product of greater clampdowns by Liberty Police Incorporated a sign of radical progression, or…”

Janet: “…In other, more interesting news, New Yorkers debate protractedly the fears of extensive Kessler syndrome in the orbits of Pittsburg and Manhattan, as centuries old debris clouds begin to encroach within high planetary orbit. The potential collision risk within the dense fields of archaic platform components and the ruins of Liberty’s historical rebranding from an industrial powerhouse to Sirius’s primary commercial state has slowly escalated over the centuries, with both above and below board operations commonly circumnavigating the problematic, dangerous salvage work around certain objects. To put the risk level into perspective, any object considerably wider than two metres square will have marked shielding ramifications upon fighters and freighters everywhere. Whilst most modern structural alloys are firmly resilient to such meteoroids, fragments and shards can still present significant navigational hazards, along with raising insurance premiums significantly inside what is supposed to be one of Sirius’s most secure open-access star systems.”

Clayman: *agitatedly* “…Hara...”

Janet: *nudging him forcibly in the shoulder, eyes locked on the camera, smile fixed and feigned*.
“…So, for our top story tonight…”

Clayman: *Interdicting* “…Is the Wichit… *coughs* Ahem, please excuse me, new Caledonian body politic changing irrefutably? For the last two years, the government of the Natio Octavarium has been placed under the jurisdiction of the Raider-backed Meritocratical Populist party, colloquially abbreviated into “MP’s” by both their detractors and constituents…”

Janet: *With palpable ire*: “Yes, correct, Bry’. The MP party has lead the Natio Octavarium senate unopposed since our federation’s founding, and with considerable public acclaim…”

Clayman: *insistently* “…Yet, recent polls have revealed that their support may be gently subsiding into the mire, after recent accusations by the Natio Octavarium Monarchist Populist Movement…”

Janet: *Suddenly venomous* “…A rabble of ardent, Garlic-munching fascists…”

Clayman: *Nearly slapping the co-anchor* “…A party of peaceful, nature-loving egalitarians who look only for a strident, purposeful, smaller, more efficient government…”

Janet: *almost enjoying herself* “…Under the thralls of the De Frances, along with the fact that they haven't actually even elected a party chairman yet…”

Clayman: *loudly* “…Determined to end Natio participation in the Gallic war once and for all…”

Janet: “…Struggling to screw the Raiders out of control of the Natio’s aerospace defence contract…”

Clayman: *Considerably white-knuckled* “…Dedicated to outsourcing…”

Janet: “...Expansionist and funded by the veritable illuminati…”

Clayman: *coughs*

*The visuals suddenly fall into a wave of tinnatus-inducing static as the newsroom breaks into bedlam. A considerable thumping sound is heard, accompanied by a short staggering motion by the camera.*

*The producer takes the initiative*.



Janet: *with the syncopated discharge of a dangerously overcharged supernova cannon*"…Are you done, Bryce?"

*Barely suppressed muttering*

*The view suddenly cuts, both dismally and professionally, to Anywhere Street, New Vancouver Old Quarter, Planet Wichita, a district built with greater regards to pre-Colonial nostalgia than any relevant street plan practicalities.*




Janet: *With barely a mark of hesitation* "…With general elections impending, New Caledonia looks set for a the sort of geopolitical bedlam not seen since the Natio's initial secession from the union, with nearly all the parties equally unpalatable towards the public."

Clayman: "…In spite… despite the innumerable number of reforms promised by the leading opposition party, against the present, populist regime; keen supporters of the quasi-Militaristic Raider movement, who up until the present have enjoyed lavish funding increases in the wake of the Gallic war, upstream of any apparent military nessesity and the rate of credit inflation, triggering significant taxation hikes."

Janet: "…Until today, no party has dared trigger a referendum to decrease the Raider's reach and reduce the total expenditure of their assets, with the body of the populace viewing the Raider's as the fundamental founding fathers of the Natio and often bearing greater legitimacy to the governance of the nation than the Populist Regime themselves."

Clayman: "Indeed, successive accusations of embezzlement have done little to dent the dogged support of the Populists, who garner their constituents mostly from VR servicemen themselves, being the military's primary pundit. However, this treatment of the none-serving populace as second-class citizens, bereft of equal civil liberties, has invoked the ire of many who view the meritocracy as little more than a benevolent junta."

*A shoe swings through the viewfinder*



Janet: *Re-tracking notably, knuckles crimson* "…However, when compared to the antithesis parties, can we truly insinuate any failing on the part of our present, elected, representatives? Just look at the pie below:"





Janet: "There you have it, folks. The primary opposition and the current regime are tied for support, and both are equally thirsty. The secondary opposition is equally stable, but communis… Common Front lacks a certain appeal for the populi due for reasons that should by now we pretty obvious to every man and his dog with a stable neural net connexion."


Clayman: *painfully* "Mm… correct, ah… Support for the Common Front since party chairman, Raymond Alexander, was allegedly videoed receiving a caseload of Bretonian Neuralnet Chips from an unidentified Hispanic female in what is thought to have been S.CR.A. citizens uniform at a recent C.F. fundraiser, an act which received intense condemnation from the N.O.M.A.P.P.'s…"

Janet: *wryly* "…Which immediately throws the validity of the video into some doubt…"

Clayman: *In an impeccably Mancheian dialect*"Arguable again, ami."

Janet: "Freakin' what now?"

Clayman: *remains innocuously mute*

Janet: *With a glare so firmly anchored to Clayman it might never become unembedded*: "Rrrrigh… Ahem, um. Hm… so in other, less divisive news..."


*Unfortunately for you, your ship happens to move into the direct shadow of your local star, eclipsing the relay buoy the news feed was routing through. Perhaps you'll hear more as you fly out the other side, you note, as you gingerly change channel to something more melodious.*

Hail the raven!