Hello, and welcome to the feedback thread for the story
New Beginning. Brought to you by the 122nd Order Guard
and the Jinx Model Inc.(Bad title we know) This thread
is for feedback and suggestions to the story New Beginning.
The photo portion of the story will be added on a later date.
Until then please do post your feedback/suggestions/ or
any mistake you may have encountered while reading this
story.
If you would like to be apart of this story just leave a post
here as well saying what your ship name is and what you
want it do it. We will gladly do our best to implement
such a glorious vessel into the story.
It seems pretty good. Easy to read, but there's some sentence structure issues in places, places where commas should be used to connect thoughts, and some other things.
"The coalition that were left still fighting the things that attacked the
sun destroying everything just minutes before."
"I also found it funny that we just so happen to
built this ship just for the same reason that the purple thing had.
To destroy life."
Both of those excerpts sound off, rework them.
"The ship has a section in the bottom parts of the ship that allow
us to grow plant life and food. That is what he was rambling about."
Perhaps somthing more like "The ship has a lower section dedicated to hydroponics, which was what the man was talking about." What you have sounds rushed.
"Which sent a slight shiver down my spine as everyone, including
the old man. Stopped talking."
No need for a period there, a comma.
"I stood up and started to walk out of the lounge. Toward the bridge
of the ship. The bridge is basically the command center just shortened
down to one word, made life easier for me I guess."
Again, commas, but really, this part doesn't seem needed. I think everyone knows what a bridge is.:)
"She handed me a infocard with lots of data on it.
"We found it sir."
She said with a small grin."
No need to seperate here. "She handed me a infocard with lots of data on it, "We found it sir." She said with a small grin."
"From what we can tell
we weren't detected."
Tense is off, you have this story told in the first person, past tense, yet this sentence and possibly others are in present tense.
Read over the whole story again and see what you can find. It's not bad, however.
Actually, i really really like the story, but i couldn't find anything wrong, but then i wasn't looking either. hehe. This is a very good story, i cannot wait to read the new chapters, please continue writing the story.
Okay, read the second chapter. Seems a little cleaner than the first.
The "show of hands" seems funny. I would think such a decision would be decided on by the commanders and leaders, rather than the whole bridge crew, including ensigns and low ranking members.
And about this being a Coalition ship. Wasn't the whole Coalition sleeper ship launch and Earth destruction hundreds of years ago? How would an old man remember all this from experience? I understand that the ship's crew would be onto a far further generation, but no one would have witnessed Earth's destruction personally.
Yeah, apart from some small gramatical issues, I like it.
Dunno what your native language is (kinda hard to tell on fori), but try reading the text out loud once you've written it, as this can help you to discover flaws in contiuity.
![[Image: kelsieicsig.png]](http://i80.photobucket.com/albums/j177/stewcool/Freelancer/kelsieicsig.png)
![[Image: 2ecf33o.png]](http://i59.tinypic.com/2ecf33o.png)