Location:OS&C|Widdershins, Planet Manhattan, New York System
To:APM-Technical.Conveyor, APM
Subject:Scrubby Recipe!
Kallisti!
It's always a pleasure seeing fresh faces in Baffin! Since you were scooping up some scrubbies, I thought I would share one of Grandma Seabourne's recipes that works well with the little buggers. Obviously, she never got near one (having lived on Pittsburgh all her life) but this was her all-purpose recipe for dealing with whatever meat or meat-like thing we managed to catch on the landing pad. I've adapted it for the alien organisms and I added a few tweaks over the years. The result is almost not considered a war crime to serve to prisoners. As grandma always said; Ad stomachum per aspera!
Well, truth be told, she usually used more colorful language, and the topic usually centered on Liberty Ale or the many moral failings of my father, or how I was a perennial disappointment to the family name, but I'm sure it would have sounded better in latin. Anyway, here's the recipe for the Scrubbies you were harvesting in Baffin:
Preheat your oven to 800 degrees Rankine. If you are over 10,000 feet from old Earth, you might have to go all the way to 900.
Prepare the scrubbies. You'll want to crush them against a cutting board with the flat side of a knife to split open the shells before peeling them off in one piece. If the smell is overpowering, you can always apply the same technique to your own nose. Put the outer shells in a large glass bowl, the green fatty layer in a smaller glass bowl, and the black organs in a third smaller glass bowl. Nest the three bowls so that the scrubby still thinks its alive with all of its parts in the right order.
Check for the scrubbies' wishes about how their bodies are to be handled after death. Look at their driver's licenses to see if they are organ donors. If so, release the black parts back to the cloud in Baffin. If the scrubbies happen to be Egyptian pharohs, separate the black parts and place them in small canoptic jars and bury them in any suitably sandy planet. Remember that Ancient Egyptians do not venerate the brain, and so that does not need to be jarred and buried. The brain is the squishy bit that DOESN'T taste of almonds. If you find yourself with many Egyptian scrubbies, consider pairing this recipe up with Grandma Seabourne's Scrubby Organ Kimchi, which I can send along later.
Boil 8 cups of water in a wok. The size of the cups doesn't matter, but there must be 8 of them. When the water is boiling, remove 3 cups and toss it down the sink. If you try to make this with 5 cups off the bat, it will not work. Simply blowing bubbles into the water with a bendy straw also does not count as boiling. It must be a crazy straw.
Melt 2 sticks of butter in a cast iron skillet. Stir in the green scrubby flesh and stir continuously. Add 1 tablespoon each of whichever of the following you have available: ground black pepper, sea salt, a through b salts, nutmeg, ginger (the root if you got it, the redhead if you don't), cayenne pepper, smoking paprika (NOT smoked paprika, unless you're the type of person who brews your tea in boiled water instead of boiling water), cumin, goout, garlic powder, garlic paste, garlic juice, garlic milk, and a hearty dash of Old Bay seasoning. Stir until it reaches a paste-like consistency.
Transfer the paste into a pastry bag and squirt it back into the shells of the scrubbies. This makes a mockery of their existence and is important for establishing dominance. Close up the shell as best you can.
Boil the scrubbies. At first they will sink to the bottom of the wok but will eventually rise back up to the surface like gnocchi (or corpses). Unlike gnocchi (but still like corpses) you should wait until one explodes, that's how you know the rest are done. Quickly transfer the remaining scrubbies to a plate. Goggles are advised, though my uncle Owen "One-Eye" Seabourne will call you a coward for the rest of your life for using them.
Sprinkle with a generous dash of avec for that Gallic flavor.
While most will eat the scrubbies as-is by dipping them in melted butter, you can also serve them over, under, or stuffed in most other things, including themselves. One Thanksgiving we made a scrubbie turducken by nesting the things inside each other. After about 23 layers, we accidentally stuffed the last one inside the first one and our would-be matryoshka main course collapsed into a culinary Klein bottle. So it goes.
Anyway, enjoy your scrubbies and I hope to see you in Baffin again!
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