"Oh, it was most difficult, I assure you. I started by looking at the Planet Houston directory under "J." Imagine my dismay when not a single judge was listed!"
"Your realize my first name isn't 'judge', right? And even if it was, that's not how directories work."
"True, but I didn't know what your favorite color was yet, so I couldn't use that."
"Why are you calling me?"
"As a friend of the court, moving for immediate dismissal in the case Interspace Commerce et al v Grant."
"Are you a lawyer?"
"I've been called many things."
"...do you even have standing in that case?"
"Oh, we got rid of our chairs long ago, aside from a few bean bags full of medical waste courtesy of MFE. Good people, those doctors, if you like needles and squishy things."
"The man stole a cruise liner for a joy ride, why should the case be dismissed?"
"Temporary insanity."
"How so?"
"He voluntarily followed a known member of the Discordian Faith. As established in Liberty v. Article Consisting of 50,000 Cardboard Boxes More or Less, Each Containing One Pair of Clacker Balls, entering into any voluntary engagement with a Discordian is prima facia evidence of insanity. Res ipsum locutor. Ditto Ditto. Et cetera et cetera et cetera."
"Motion denied, make your case in court."
"Fine, attempt number two: I notice the liberty flag behind you has a gold fringe."
"Where the hell are you going with this?"
"According to Liberty flag code, the gold fringe variation is reserved for naval vessels, making this an admiralty court. Mr Grant is a sovereign citizen, a distinct entity from the legal fiction BURTON GRANT, who is, legally speaking, a vessel. I intend to demonstrate that Mr Grant is not a ship by attempting to dock with him repeatedly in court. Erego QED sic sempter tyrannus."
"I'm not entirely sure I can deny that motion as that would grant it the dignity of being called a motion."
"But I said 'erego' and everything!"
"Goodnight, Mr Seabourne. Since the prosecution intends to subpoena you, I imagine we'll be seeing more of each other."
"Well, if they need me, tell them to look under 'P' for periwinkle."
