Akira's Biography feedback

[Crusader4]

[color=#CC6600]Well heres the link to the story >LINK<

I have just wrote it, its my first story,
so tell me what do u think.

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Hate will eat you up from the inside, so hurry up and give your heart to a girl before you get eaten up.

[Crusader4]

Well, that sucks,
not a single post in three days.
Nobody likes my story :(*cries*

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Hate will eat you up from the inside, so hurry up and give your heart to a girl before you get eaten up.

[sadtranslation]

Hello there.
Story is good, but we want more.
(And maybe an another font color for traditionally blue background? This one is a pain)

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[Laowai]

Hey there Crusader.


Don't despair if no one comments on your feedback. Its tough i know; its nice to know people read and enjoy what you write - but you know how things are here, how much there is to read, people need to be in the mood to read it and very often people don't.
Write because you want to, because you want to add depth to your own characters and enhance or explain what they do and why they do it, who they are and where they come from.

So, i read your Bio so far, its a good start. You do need to work on your spelling and sentence structure though - i'm terrible at this myself - but im happy to go edit any spelling errors there if you like.
So as i said, its a good start - its very broad however, not a lot of detail - we get a background of the character but we don't really know.. who she is, what she thinks - this is only my opinion of course, but i like characters and situations with a bit of depth, something i can sink my teeth into and for a moment understand the person and learn about them.
Don't take this as discouragement though in any way - Its your story! Keep writing, add more, take the story where you want to take it, these things grow in interest the more you put into them and the fact that you are putting some depth in your char by writing here is an awesome way to approach things. I'd be interested to see what you come up with.

Keep it up.

Laowai.

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http://img686.imageshack.us/img686/3289/...047770.png

[Slartibartfast]

What Laowai said and - [font=Comic Sans Ms]Paragraphs.

And I don't think you should center-align longer texts, because it makes them a bit harder to read imo.

[Chase]

Very neat!

I do think it would be great if you expanded on each of the parts of the story. Like... Have her background (family/childhood/schooling), then make a new post with the Freeport 7 thing and a detailed account with her feelings etc...

Other than that you're on the right track! Great job.

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Golden Chrysanthemum | Gateway Shipping

[Crusader4]

Thanks everyone :)
I was writing all..... (theres an expression just
can't remember it atm)
Im glad you liked it, considering i wrote it in about 5 minutes,
no wonder its so shallow and with no emotions xD
I'll give it a shoot,
but i will need to think about the story first. ;)

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Hate will eat you up from the inside, so hurry up and give your heart to a girl before you get eaten up.