Feedback - No Fun Allowed

[Pinko]

I crave (constructive) criticism and being judged by the public, pls give feedback. We're going into this mostly blind and with no planning, so post structures are expected to be relatively short.

---

I want to get off Mr. Igiss' wild ride.

[Strichev]

It looks good.

One thing though, (entirely subjective and, considering my own writing abilities, a rather unjust remark) - perhaps the all knowing narrator type could be replaced by... suggestions, hints in the behaviour of your character. Specifically the part about where you shed some light on the psychology/nature of her, the entire careless facade hiding insecurity and fear of loneliness part. With careful writing we, the readers could eventually figure this out, it would give us something else to think about other than the actual plot. A study of the character's personality gradually descending to deeper psychological levels by letting us guess these things.

The dialogue seems somewhat clunky at times - but that's to be expected when one doesn't have weeks to think thing through, this is, after all, a collaborative effort.

Of course all this would take time and, well, a novel. All in all it appears to be taking the form of a well written collaborative story bringing life - and progress (because what is life if not the entropic arrow of time we call progress) - to all the characters involved in it. Keep it up!

(Will it devolve (or evolve, huehue) into lesbian erotica, that is the question.)

[Pinko]

One thing though, (entirely subjective and, considering my own writing abilities, a rather unjust remark) - perhaps the all knowing narrator type could be replaced by... suggestions, hints in the behaviour of your character. Specifically the part about where you shed some light on the psychology/nature of her, the entire careless facade hiding insecurity and fear of loneliness part. With careful writing we, the readers could eventually figure this out, it would give us something else to think about other than the actual plot. A study of the character's personality gradually descending to deeper psychological levels by letting us guess these things.

I agree entirely, and in fact, this is part of my fault for dumbing down that aspect. My logic behind jumping to the conclusion so early is that, I've been playing Lizzie nearly three years, and a few people have recently complained/raised concerns about her behavior, so I kinda was swift to justify that. Hindsight is 20/20 here.

EDIT: As for the writing, really, I do this when I have free time between two classes or something, and while I try to make something interesting and entertaining, by no mean do I claim I am a professional writer (not that I think it shields me from criticism, as I can always improve and some day actually become one!). While I always strive to improve, Jarl and I only are doing this as a little fun thing on the side.

[Sabru]

while i'll reserve a longer statement when more of the story has been done, my opinion thus far is this:

The clash of personalities looks like quite a funny situation. Quite an amusing pairing.

---