Sometimes I feel like I am already part of the ship.
Together we make our way through space, drifting among the stars far beyond any chance of redemption.
She is my only friend in this hushed silence and eternal solitude.
I have lost track of how long I have been here. Weeks, months, years. It's all the same to me now.
Surely, the corridors are now so familiar to me that I could find my way through the ship with eyes firmly shut.
The hours are long and I have trouble finding sleep amidst the loneliness this place is haunted with.
I went to the cryo-chambers again. Sitting there for hours I listened to the quiet buzzing of the machines.
Soothing music to my ears with a faint promise of salvation in it.
And yet, I couldn't muster the courage for it. Too big is the uncertainty, too big is my fear of eternal slumber.
Physical exercise has become my last resort. Just to pass the time. Often I drive myself to complete exhaustion until I fall asleep on the cold steel floor.
Then, after I wake up an undefinable timespan later, with aching muscles and a pounding head, I crawl back to the bridge.
I sit there and gaze into space, wondering about the why and how. It seems so hard to understand.
I found myself wondering again whose idea it was in the first place. Yours? Mine? Or did we have nothing to do with it at all?
The information is concealed in my mind somewhere, but all digging is of no use.
Aeons seem to have passed since then and my memories of it are elusive at best.
Only this reality remains now, only this ship. Even though it seems more like a dream to me now that I think about it.
The days drag on. The same routine repeating endlessly.
I have already lost any sense of purpose I might have had at one point.
Am I awake or asleep? I can't make the distinction anymore. I doubt that it is of any relevance anyway.
Each day I go down and check the fuel supply. It's funny how we cling to even the smallest hope so desperately.
I know I will find it empty and yet I can't help but to convince myself of it each day anew.
It's quite silly, I know.
You would have laughed at me, like you always did. And I wouldn't have minded in the slightest.
The ship still functions as it should and I continue my task, even though I've lost any hope of ever completing it.
I tell myself that I do it because I still believe in the whole project, but the truth is that there is just nothing else to do.
So, it finally has come to this. All of my food supplies are used up.
I have plenty of water and oxygen, so the end will probably be long and painful.
Not that I didn't expect it, but the final realisation still came as a shock.
As I opened the last can, I felt like a convict eating his last meal before execution.
So these will be my last days. What an awfully boring way to die. Nobody dies a hero on the outer frontier I suppose.
Just a lonely death while you think about where you went wrong in your life and why you decided to be so goddamn stupid to come out here.
I was alone, hungry and without a home. You picked me up from the streets with some sort of job offer. Heh. Who would have known..
You need another member for your crew, you said. And I was oh so willing to join.
You really were a godsend and I was grateful, still am. Even though you left me here in the end.
I suppose it's still better than what I had before.
My vision starts to blur, past and future intermingle as I stumble through this godforsaken place.
Behind every corner I expect to see your face and even though my mind is aware of reality I still feel the sting of disappointment each time.
It is as if even the ship is being affected by my misery. Just like me, it starts to fall apart.
It was an accident. I know that. There is nothing I could have done about it.
The inevitable outcome we all were rushing towards to. The final conclusion.
And yet here I am delaying the unavoidable in a pointless struggle.
It was not my fault, it was not my fault at all. You understand that. I know you do.
I wish you would answer me. I wish I could understand.
Though I am left alone with my thoughts in my last days.
Space is calling out to me, the endless void offering salvation.
In my last actions I will atone for my sins. My legs barely hold my weight anymore, but it will have to do.
Just as strength is leaving me, my determination to make my last journey is increasing.
Slowly I stumble through the corridors, they seem impossibly long now.
My hands reach out for the airlock. I awake hours later. I passed out again.
I've come to my final resolution and I leave my cowardice behind.
We will be reunited once again. I will leave this forsaken place and the memories trapping me here.
I will move on and follow you on the way you have shown me. This is the closing act.
I never thought it would end this way. It always seemed to be something unacceptable to me. But things change.
Looking back at the past doesn't torment me anymore. I left it behind. Just as I will leave this ship behind and move on.
I feel light now. Incredibly light.
