I am not a man of words. Never have been. But there are things that need to be written; that can't just be spoken to the cold emptiness of space.
I used to think that the people who talked fancily about "the cold emptiness of space" were asshats. Of course space isn't empty; there's planets and spaceships and tradelanes and stuff. Anyone who thought space was empty was going to be in for a mean surprise the first time they got jumped by some Liberty rogues in California, or unioners in Frankfurt, or smashed themselves to pieces in some forsaken asteroid belt in the omegas.
Empty. Ha.
But I've been hauling freight for a while now, and I've started to really feel the cold. When you're hauling back and forth from Augsburg to New London to Trafalgar to Newark, you don't really have time to stop and make friends, and it turns out that 600 crates of cigars make for pretty poor conversation. The weird Wrongness of the color of Jumpspace. The lazy thud of Tradelanes, over and over again. Hell, after a while, the sound of your own cruise drive starts to drive you crazy, until you're just about ready to see if you could open the airlock and make the jump all the way to the next station before your blood boils out your ears.
A few days ago, I talked to an AI. At least, I think that's what it was. Ship wasn't like any I've ever seen before, covered from front to back in weapons that could cut a cruiser in half without going to half power. It talked funny, too. Asked me what cigars were. I told him. He asked, "Why do humans kill themselves this way?" Thought about it for a long time. I told him that it's because we're all dying, slowly. Life is a terminal illness. Who can say why some people aren't content to wait.
This got him all sorts of angry. He asked me, "Why do humans kill and die for things they cannot hope to keep?"
I didn't have an answer for him then. Even now, I'm not so sure.
Some folks have family, friends. People who they would happily die for, if doing so helps them along. And some folks have causes, ideals, dreams, nations, companies and movements, for which they'll do the same. I can boast no such thing. I may pile up all sorts of money in my travels, but if I get myself killed... what did it mean? If a pirate ganks me next time I jump into a tradelane, will it make that much of a difference? Will it be that much of a difference if it happens in 20 years, when I'm older, grayer, but still grinding my my through sirius, one system to the next?
That's why I'm starting this log. Words, I think, live forever. And that may just be enough for me.
A few pieces of good news today. I'm moving up in the galaxy; bought myself an albatross. The camara was a good ship, but she was just too small for the work I need. My new bird's slow, but she runs pretty well armed, and she's tough as a brick. Trying to pick a name; I'm torn between the Diminishing Returns and the Capital Gains. Another good thing; a ship this size will be handy if I try to join a corporation or something. They love someone who they don't have to babysit.
Don't think dad would like to hear that sort of talk, but that wouldn't be the first time we've disagreed.
Had my first run in with a pirate yesterday too, although "Pirate" might be too strong of a word. The words I'm thinking of are a little strong for mixed company, but generally pretty apt, I think.
Here's what happened, and I swear by stars I'm making none of this up:
I'm in Liberty (I forget what system, probably california), and I'm leaving a station when I notice the next trade lane is down. And suddenly, over the System wide comm channel comes a real philosopher grunting "Pay toll" "I is pirate" "Pay 1mil".
Now, a few things. One, I'm literally less than a click away from a base.
Two, he doesn't have a pirate ID. He's got a freelancer one.
So after BSing him for a minute or two (he isn't really much for conversation, so there was only so much fun to be had) I make for the base. Now, this is my first run-in with a pirate, so I'm a little shaken. I accidentally click on my cruise drives. He just keeps shooting at me.
He doesn't have any CDs.
I'll let that process for a moment. Good? Alright, moving on.
I get to base, and a LSI officer shows up a few seconds later and lights him up. End of story, right? NOPE.
Because I run into the same guy again in Bretonia less than an hour later. A bretonia police officer is trying to explain to him that he needs a Pirate ID to pirate, but all he's getting from the guy is "I is indie pirate" We put some shots into him, and he bolts down the lane to parts unknown.
I am worried about him, strangely. He's pretty green, and I'm sure that if he keeps this up, he'll end up trying to jump some huge DSE transport and get his hull cracked open for his troubles. I hope he finds an honest trade to live on. Or at least gets a little better at his chosen one.
Had my second (Third? First?) meeting with a pirate, this time in the omegas. He was pretty reasonable, only took 500k. Could've been worse. But it has confirmed my belief that the Albatross, for all her strengths, has definitely put me into the big leagues. I'm a proper target now, and the next pirate I find parked in the lanes might not be so amiable. I'm trying to mind a good trade run that runs Bretonia->Liberty->Rhineland->Liberty->Bretonia, but I haven't had any luck so far.
I know that that means I'm running the Liberty/Rhineland blockade twice, but let's be honest. Smuggling is all a part of the business, and I'll be damned if some war or another keeps me from doing business. Man should be able to go where he pleases, haul what he needs to haul wherever he has to go. If they think I'm gonna drag my hull through that miserable, pirate infested backwater, they've got another thing coming.
All of this business has me starting to rethink my plans. I was going to try and save up to buy a borderworlds DL, then maybe join a corp or something. Probably OSI. But I'm remembering why I became a Free Trader in the first place, and it's the same reason this whole blockade business has me all worked up. I've got to make my own way through Sirius. Pa always said "Let no man be your master," and while I may despise that crotchety old... gentleman, he's right. It's true, for me at least. I've got to go where I want, listen to no one's orders but mine. I can't really explain why, honestly. It's a fire in my bones, an itch that can't be scratched. It's the same reason I can't stay in one place for too long, the same sort of feeling. It's strange.
This is getting rambly. I'll sign back on when my thoughts are in order. Spare you my half-thoughts and grumblings.
Been a while since I've logged anything, and I apologize. But a lot's been happening, and I've needed some time to think. Now that I've got my thoughts in order, I can tell you what's been going on.
I've found a route that I like, from Dresden to Newcastle, and while it does take me through the Omegas, it's definitely lucrative enough to take the edge off. Pays about 10mil a run, so I can't complain about the of odd 2mil here or there lost to pirates. Turns out that the omegas are a cakewalk compared to Leeds; it's all the fun of a lawless backwater with all the danger of an active warzone. Joy.
I ran this route a few times, but after a while, I got the itch to move again. Never could stay in one place for too long. Trouble was the money; it was just to damn good to pass on. So I made up a plan to find someone to run the route for me. They'd fly my ship on the route I scouted, I'd pay for maintenance and repairs, and they'd pocket a fair chunk of change. So I went to Manhattan, poked around a bit in the dives and holes in the ground. The sort of places I would've found myself a few years back, if I'm honest.
That's nearly who I found, as it happened. Scrawny little kid named named Moe. Probably not a day over 19. Said he'd flunked out of LN flight school and couldn't find work, so I set him up in the Capital_Gains, showed him the route, and I haven't really seen him since. I keep in touch with him over the Neural Net though, and the credits keep coming in after every run, so I know he's holding up his part of the bargain. I didn't exactly give him the best of deals as far as wages went, but I think he's just happy to be flying again. He's got a reall head for flying; I suspect he didn't get the boot from flight school on that account. Hope I haven't gotten him killed by sending him out into some pretty nasty space.
He's a smart enough kid. He'll do fine. Yeah, he'll be fine.
For my part, I've picked up one of those Zoner Gunboats. Not a bad ship. I'm trying to find some new jump holes, maybe scout out some new routes, and I need a ship that'll make folks think twice about giving me trouble. Probably gonna pick up the DL once I've got the money, then sell the Albatross to Moe. Stars know, I ought to give him the damn thing; he's earned it.
It's funny. I've gotten pretty good at looking out for myself, but I've never really had to look out for someone else before. It's... It's not easy, honestly, but it's worth it. Dad's wrong. It's worth it.
Finally scraped together enough credits for the DL, and by stars is she a Beautiful thing to behold. She's got three more guns than the albatross, nearly twice the hold size, and a fair chunk more armor. She's no battleship, but I feel like we can hold our own against a pirate or two, if it comes to that.
The trouble is that I can't fly her by myself. With the camara and even the albatross I could plug in some software packages and fly the thing alone, but the DL's just too big for that. Her power draw to too high, and the software can't track it all fast enough. 9 cannons overloaded the tracking algorithm, and now it can't hit anything smaller than a moon now. And don't even get me started on Trade Lane docking; it's a mess. And those are just the problems off the top of my head. I know there are more, and I bet there are some I won't even notice until the damn thing explodes or something.
So I've taken on a crew. 10 folks: One on the forward battery, one on aft, two in engineering, one on comms, one on scanners, a navigator, a cook, a supercargo, and a pilot. I'm still trying to get a crew I like; most of these guys are temps, and they come and go from station to station. The only ones who are sticking around and the cook and the pilot. The cook's something of a friend of mine; he worked on the first ship I ever worked on. He was working for damn near nothing when I found him again, so I asked if he wanted a job with me and he jumped at the chance.
Moe ended up being my pilot. It's something of a funny story; I went to Newcastle once I picked up the DL. I wanted to say goodbye to the kid, and give him the albatross. I know that I said that I was going to sell it to him, but I've had something of a change of heart since then. He's been working his ass off, and he's never missed a payment. He'd earned it. But when I found him, he said he'd rather fly with me on my new bird. It worked out pretty well for me; the pilot I had couldn't fly his way out of a paper bag. So we sold the albatross and got underway.
It's a little weird, not being at the controls. It takes a change in mindset to go from running everything yourself to letting other people do it. I'm not sure if I like it, even if I understand why it has to be this way. Having other people's lives in my hands is a heavy thing and, to be honest, I don't know if I can handle it. Even if it's not my hands on the con, it's still my ship, and if something goes wrong, it's my fault. that's alright when it's just me, but when there's near a dozen people on board...
