Two million credits in repairs, Eight million credits in ship replacement, Three million credits in gun replacements.. Johnny was near broke.
With his recently repaired Bhargest Pirate Bomber, he was thinking of plans. Bigger plans. The pirating business wasn't going so well lately, especially with the house police on his tail wherever he went. He needed cash for a new ship, and quickly too - he was running out of rum.
So that night, Johnny barged into the bar of Buffalo Base and shouted, "Who be wantin' te join a crew 'ere?" He got no response from the rum-heavy pirates who just glanced at him with half-open eyes and wide-open mouths. "Oi! I said.. who be wantin' te join a fine crew with a fine ship?" Still no response. As he was one of them, Johnny knew exactly what to do. "Oi! FREE RUM!" The result was instantaneous. All the pirates climbed onto their tables, and with a single leap, projected themselves towards Johnny. Johnny, cripped as it was, could not evade them, and crumpled under the mob. Bottles were smashed, the blood was flying, and for some reason, one of the pirates took off all his clothes. After a long and weary battle, Johnny was able to shout over the commotion: "Look, ye want yer rum or not?!"
The mob stopped, and the bartender was there to beat them away with a broom. He told them to get out, and surprisingly, everyone did. They were all still looking around, dazed and confused. Johnny took advantage of the situation and yelled to everyone, "Be ye all lone pirates?" Most of them nodded. "Arr, well, come with me anyways! We be makin' a contract! With rum! Come to me ship!" The lumbering slobs followed after the hobbling pirate, and got on his Bhargest.
ADDED: //Oh gah, I posted it in bios.. if an admin/moderator sees this, could you please move it to "stories"? Writing these things at 2:00 AM does things with your mind.
Aboard the Bhargest, the drunken pirates had no trouble finding Johnny's secret rum stash. Within minutes, they were all drinking again, happy as ever, while Johnny sat in his cabin, writing furiously. A few minutes later, he came out with his "contract." It read as follows:
Contract Wrote:Aye, by signin this dokument, I heerbye agree to join Captn Peg Leg Johnny's crew, and aye, agree to the folowing terms:
1. I forfait all me credits to the Captn
2. I forfait me ship to the Captn
3. Me pay be in rum and rum only
4. I forfait me <strike>rum</strike> freedom to the Captn
Sine heer:
_____________
_____________
_____________
_____________
_____________
_____________
"Right, lads, if ye be wantin' an easy way fer free rum, make a line 'ere and sign me sheet!" Naturally, they all came over and one by one, scribbled their name on the contact. Johnny was grinning, apparently pleased with himself. He glanced a look at the contract, and saw the most interesting names he's ever laid his eyes on:
Johnny then told them to go raid the bar, seeing as how his ship's hold was empty. He headed back into the cabin, sent a copy of the contract to the Manhattan Bank, and demanded all their credits be transferred to his account. Rubbing his hands with glee, he expected his credit balance to skyrocket..
Johnny couldn't believe his eyes. Out of the six pirates he had just robbed, all their credits amounted to four and a half million credits? It was unbelievable. Either someone robbed them first, or they're the worst pirates in the world.
Johnny leaned back and sighed, wishing that he could get more. More than that, though, he was wishing for rum. He left his ship and headed back to the bar. Not surprisingly, the drunken pirates were off laughing with each other, getting into fights, and downing rum all at the same time. Johnny admired their multitasking skills, although he doubted their piloting skills.. but who was he to complain? After all, he was one of them!
"Oi! All o'ye laddies! Git over here!"
"Y'hear me?!"
"LOOK, I JUST ROBBED ALL O'YE OF YER CREDITS AN' YER SHIPS!"
The room went dead quiet. Slowly, the pirates stood up. They walked in front of Johnny, forming a giant wall of blubber. Johnny detached his peg leg and held it up like a sword.
"Not too close! Ye come any closer, ye be a dead pirate! Ye know, there be no rum in heaven or in hell! Now get on me ship!"
He herded them onto the ship. No one spoke a word. The bartender just stood there looking amused.
The six pirates were sat down in chairs in front of Johnny, who hobbled in front of them. He had put his peg leg back on, and had taken something out - an object that resembled a plastic, blunt dagger.
"Alright, ye pigs! Listen up! I won' be takin' much o'yer time, so ye list'n up and list'n good! ...Oi!"
Numbnut, who was the most immense of them all, was fast asleep. Johnny hobbled over to him and jabbed him in the thigh with the dagger. Not only did it do nothing, but the fat around Numbnut's waist began to pull the dagger inwards, swallowing it inside all that fat. Johnny then grabbed Numbnut's hair and slapped him 'round the face a couple times. It worked.
"Ye awake now? Ye gonna stay awake now?! Don' make me jettison yer arse out in space an' see how ye like that!
Now then! Back t'where I was...
Ye, I stole yer money and yer ships. Actually, I no longer be havin' yer ships anymore.. they be scrapped fer more money. But stay cal--OI! I said, stay calm! Stay in yer seat, now! Or I be usin' me leg to beat ye over th'head with! An'ways, with all yer goods and mine combined, we be havin' a little o'er 12 million credits! This ain' half o'what we be needin! The boat an' her gear be costin' near 25 million credits! Men! We be needin' credits! An' I need ye to think o' HOW!"
Blanco raised his hand.
"Aye, Blanky?"
"When do we get our rum?," he asked.
"If ye don' shut up, ye be drinkin' the vacuum o'space! Next! Aye, BlueBeard?"
"What 'bout yer ship? Will we be scrappin' that too?"
"OI! ARE YE NUTS?! SCRAP ME BHARGEST? THAT BE.. THAT BE.. that be not a bad idea, actually. IIf I be gettin' rid o'the ship and me guns, the amount'll come out to.. 'bout four million! 'Celent thinkin, boy!"
Johnny began hobbling back and forth again. "Hmm.. that make the total come out to.. sixteen million! Arr! Nine more t'go! But that still be a good 'mount o'money... where t'get it?
We be tryin' the sympathy game. All o'ye, get in yer worst clothin' and.. actually, nah, what ye be wearin' now will do fine. Go to th'streets of Manhattan and bum yerselves out. Get ev'ry corner, get ev'ry credit ye can. Report back t'me here on Buffalo in two days!"
And with that, Johnny arranged a escort for the six poor pirates.
Johnny had some free time. He decided that a proper pirate needed a parrot.
Disguising himself as an old man, he boarded a transport headed for Manhattan. No one noticed him as he hobbled around the market, looking for what he called a "pet dealer." Upon finding one that sold parrots, he demanded their cockiest and noisiest parrot of all. The parrot was brought out, squawking the most obscene words and phrases Johnny had ever heard. "Arr, this be perfect," he thought. He held the bird up and proclaimed "His name be Mittens!" And quietly, he muttered "And soon, he be piratin' ships instead o'me.."
Content with his new playmate, Johnny boarded the Liner back to Fort Bush, where he would hire someone to take him back to Buffalo.
Johnny's crew came back the next day, looking just as poor and rum-thirsty as when they first started.
"Alright, mateys! Gimme a report!"
As the pirates described their experiences, Johnny's face because darker and darker. They were maced, beat up, pissed on, attacked by old ladies with handbags, and worst of all, sat on by the LPI. Scalawag was brave (and stupid) enough to try to steal some donuts from the local LPI-filled Sunbucks. He wears an eyepatch now.
In total.. two hundred forty seven and a half credits.
Johnny couldn't believe the incompetency of his mates.
"Arrgh! Now that we know ye be bad at beggin'.. we gonna begin sumthin' I like to call 'Operation Drunken Barrel'... it be our plan t'get our ship! Scalawag, Ogre, ye two hop on a starflea and pirate 'em traders. Make 'em fear you! Numbnut, Blanco, do some legal tradin.. in a Rhino. We don' care 'bout the money ye earn here, but see if ye can meet some top-o'-da-class businessmen, aye? Bluebeard, Poopy, I be needin' ye two to train Mittens here - aye, we be havin' a new member t'our family. Ye need to teach him how to say:
'Polly want credit?'
'Polly want cargo?'
'Arr!'
'Cut yer engines!'
And o'er things ye may think of.. ye know, phrases ye use when piratin'.
