23st of June 820 A.S.: Omicrons; depression
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02:32: "I couldn't do it... something is holding me back every time I look into the mirror. Who am I... what am I? All those lives lost... yet I struggle to punish myself for it? There's nothing left to live for, so why... am I getting held back. There's no way someone like me could ever seek redemption, right? No, obviously not. Why am I even thinking about this..? I ruined countless people's lives... so why should I deserve to live? Why can't I do it..?!"
04:22: "Every minute, every second... it feels like an eternity. Is this the kind of torture I deserve? Seeing all their faces time and time again, while reliving every last moment..? Why... death is simple compared to this, isn't it. Heh, typical. Trying to look for an easy way out, eh? No..."
04:59: "There's no... easy way out. I just can't do it... my body just freezes. It should be so easy to just pull the trigger... but no, it's not. Won't budge. I don't know how much time passed since the last entry... and frankly, I don't want to know. The less I think about it, the better... screw this.. why won't it stop already. Why can't I just die... I know it's the easy way out... but I don't want to relive every single moment again! I know what I did was wrong... but there's no way in hell I could ever make amends for it. No. Way. So let me do it already!"
05:15: "Feels like several hours later. But it's not. It's bloody f****** not! I left the station long time ago, away from that place. But it didn't help. Nothing helps! Am I meant to experience all this pain over and over again..? Why can't there be an end?! Their faces... their threads just... severed. Then... why am I so firmly clinging to this blade... I shouldn't.. need this anymore. Ever..."
05:48: "I've finally become suicidal, eh? That was... fast, relatively spoken. Always carrying a clock around with me now... for whatever reason. I tried to pay in blood... like some of these... guides told me on the neural net. Complete nonsense... but at least I've received some physical sort of pain... something I can deal with way better than with these... painful memories. It's distracting... for some time, until I get used to it. Just... have to make sure I don't die yet... not before I really paid for what I've done..."
09th of August 820 A.S.: Omicrons; vague terms
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04:07: "I'm so tired, I don't know where to begin. This whole idea about returning to the Omicrons might have sealed my fate... I have no idea how to get out of this. The images just keep on coming... and it's not just memories either. The daily Nomad attacks...people being brought onto the station for treatment, if not already dead. I'm still being looked at with suspicion... at least by most who've seen me around for some time now. They noticed the difference... frowned upon seeing me. I'm that one outsider whom nobody wants to have anything to do with. Can't really blame them, though... after what happened on the Freeport." A sigh can be heard. "I hope I'll be able to scrounge up some money today... so that I can finally get something to eat. In addition... I need to keep constant tabs on my cardamine supply... I'd rather die than go on a rampage again."
06:49: "Didn't... manage to get either food or money... the only thing I've got left is that Eagle. Seems like I'm gonna slowly pick it apart, selling off not too essential stuff. I hope it'll work..."
07:56: "Yes. Yes! Finally some positive news. There were indeed people who were interested in buying spare parts from me. Stated my situation and, to add to my luck, they were rather wealthy traders. I told them about my situation, that I had no way of sustaining aboard the station. They gave me more than they needed to... and here I thought they had all written me off as a stranger or monster. It feels so good to finally have a full stomach again... makes me wonder about the way I treated food before. Never again... it was decent food as well. Hell... I feel like I'll just be able to make it through now, however much time I need."
11:37: "They... tried to steal from me. Must've seen me when I exchanged those parts for money. I... overreacted, again. They were desperate as well... but I told them that they wouldn't get anything from me. They... attacked me and I... broke several of their bones in return. Even more for the medical station in this place... but at least they'll be good there... right?"
14:01: "Managed to get extra supply of cardamine as well. The day couldn't get any better. Though... they did want a lot of money for it, I can finally relax a little bit. Wait, what am I talking about? Relax? Tch... am I subject to this foolish thought again? Screw it... no relaxing until I've made it somewhere. I won't have, nothing will make me!"
18:59: "I'm slowly starting to believe that things are much better than they seemed this morning. I'll continue to sell of parts for food and cardamine, that way I'll be fine for some time. Who thought that someone like me would get a second change..? Still... no reason to celebrate... at all. I'm still nowhere near getting into a better state... need a stable income for that first. Though... when thinking about it, why am I still alive anyway? They should live instead of me... but, I suppose it's nothing I can change anymore. It's still... haunting me... and probably will for the rest of my life..."
30th of August 820 A.S.: Omicrons; distrust
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05:21: "They did it again... this time trying to take parts away from my ship. It's already pretty much in shambles, so why even bother? If I'll see them again, I don't know what I'll do. But I most certainly won't let them have my only income. I can't... otherwise the whole story of eleven will repeat itself again. No, I won't let it come to that. No. Matter. What. No. Matter. Wh-..." The recording suddenly cuts off.
07:47: "Ahahahaha... pathetic. They've really done it now, eh. It's... all gone. Some junkies took all my cardamine from my ship when I wasn't... f***ing looking and had completed a deal with some scrap dealers. I've yet to find someone again who sells that stuff to me, so, no. I won't ignore this. I'm going after them. I won't let them have their way. However... I must not kill them. Whatever I do... don't kill them. Teach them a lesson... and be done with it. No more dead, you hear me? No more dead!"
11:49: Maniacal laughter can be heard, followed by a slight tremor. "Heh... damn. I'm so good at these things... it's all instinct. I didn't even have to think when snapping their necks. Such an easy thing to do. Such fragile beings we are. Because why the hell would I not exploit that?!" Several more tremors can be heard, indicating violent acts. "Why. Why?! Because it's easier? Because I don't need to worry anymore once they're dead? No! That's not how it f***ing works you f***ing moron! They did NOT have to die. I could have simply knocked them out! Why didn't I do it?! Am I such a coward to think that it'll be more difficult if I let them live..? I don't know anymore... at least... I've got my cardamine back..." A deep sigh can be heard followed by another tremor before the recording cuts off.
16:01: "They found the bodies. Now sweeping the station. Should I turn myself in? What right do I have to remain in this world? I could just accept their judgement... it would hurt way less than any of this. But... something is still holding me back. Why can't I make my own choices for once?! Why is it that every time I decide something, my body just refuses to move?! Why am I clinging to this life so pathetically... why can't I still kill myself?!"
15th of October 820 A.S.: Omegas; on the run
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11:11: "Been a couple of days since my last entry. Can't say that things've gotten any better. The investigations are still going on at Nine and they've skimmed through most of the sector trying to find traces of the one responsible. They probably gave word to other Freeports already as well, but luckily they don't have a picture of said person in question. That would make things even worse. Even though I've managed to slip onto Five with my almost bare Eagle, the radiation almost killed me due to the shield generators starting to get weaker. Thing is... I can't really visit any hospital either, so..." The person sighs heavily. "... I will once again have to resort to crime and steal the supplies I need. How low have I fallen, Kate? And why won't you help me..?"
13:41: "Laid out the plan for the 'raid'. Will only take what is required. If I mess things up, I might as well turn myself in. No witnesses and no killing. Think about what you've learned, what you're capable of. There won't be any need to kill whatsoever. So, don't. I'll personally make sure to hurt you, should it come to that. You hear me? You don't control me! I'm in control this time. See what you can do about it."
13:56: "Addendum to the last entry. I should seriously stop talking to myself like that. Makes me sound like I've got personality issues. In any case, everything's ready. It'll be a quick swoop, nothing fancy..."
15:31: "I've made my way back. Got what I needed. Damn, I felt as if I was going to collapse during my entry. Probably due to the exposure of radiation before... Luckily, I managed to push through. I think nobody saw me. And... thankfully, nobody died. No lives were lost to my hands today after... committing yet another lawless action. In addition, I feel a lot better now, thanks to the meds. Still... how long is it going to continue like this? Is there no way out of this vicious cycle? Me, becoming a criminal again, eh? Heh, that takes me way back... yet, I can't say those are happy memories at all. If anything, I will have to make a change. Soon..."
19:59: "Will be my last entry of the day. The meds are working just fine, and I managed to find a place to sleep, since the cockpit of my Eagle just isn't safe anymore. Five has its merits, after all. The population itself isn't very high, and there are parts of the station that were abandoned. I've sought refuge there, in hope to not be found out. Managed to get myself some food as well. And there's already the next thing I have to worry about... given that my cardamine supply is going to run out rather soon... and there are even less chances to get it around here, near Corsair space. Damn it... I have yet again pray that my luck hasn't run out yet... regardless of how pathetic it is to rely on that, I'm not given another choice."
30th of October 820 A.S.: Omegas; expected shortage
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06:01: "Second phase of withdrawal symptoms kicked in. Been too long since I took my last dose. Everything inside me screams death, wants to pull me onto my knees and beg for a swift end. All that's keeping me above ground right now is you... my dear. As well as the memories about Eleven. I will stand my ground as long as possible. If I don't and things get worse, I will end it. I've made up my mind, for once. There won't be a repeat of the past, and I won't give in. Even if it gets harder by the minute, I've been through this already. I... won't... falter..." Heavy coughs can be heard before the recording abruptly cuts off.
06:44: "I have no idea how much time passed already. It's like last time. Everything slows down around me. Even if my data pad shows me the time... that's impossible, right? All this struggle, and for what? Just so I can continue my criminal life up to this point? How can someone beyond redemption actually redeem himself? So many questions... and nobody can answer them. I hate this f***ing drug!"
07:37: "According to the display, it's barely one hour after the last entry. Heh, this f***ing sucks. Feels like hell's trying to pull me in... slowly grabbing my feet. Such darkness... loneliness as well. How could I become this pathetic? Is it fate that I'm enduring this? Is this the will of my fallen comrades, those I couldn't protect? Is it the uproar of all the people on Toledo screaming at me for my inability to prevent harm from coming to them? They're not wrong. I've come to accept this. Everybody would complain if their threads were pulled apart in the way I saw it. It's... heartbreaking, but perhaps that's good..? After all, someone like me doesn't deserve that healthy spot in one's chest. Not after all that happened. There's no way..."
08:00: "One hour and fifty-nine minutes after initial recording. It still... hurts like hell. And still, my senses don't numb down like they usually should. I've come to accept that there's only two ways for me right now. One of which I already chose before any of this was even recorded. I will hold on as long as possible, for god knows-what reason. And once it becomes impossible to bear, I'll commit to this. Seppuku. Maybe then I'll feel what it means to be alive. Even if just for a short time... I will wait. Until then..."
14:06: "I'm still... alive. So far, longer than expected. The reason for this entry is simple. I was found by several people in the abandoned part of the station. Didn't think they would, heh. Funnily enough, they decided to leave me here. No idea what they were trying to achieve, but from the looks of it, they were your usual kind of scrap hunters, out for a quick profit. We... talked. And apparently they were going to call someone. Heh, it's not like I can move much at this point. Or rather, try to avoid it... since every single strain feels like a sting to the very heart of my bones. I wonder how much longer it'll last..."
18:42: Heavy coughs and breathing can be heard, the voice sounding erratic and generally pained. "B-bastards... I s-should have known. That idiot they t-talked about..." More coughs can be heard. "... turns out he was somehow related to.. to the p-people I killed on Nine. Held a package of cardamine right in front of my face..." The coughs intensify, seemingly becoming more painful. "...he opened it, scattered it thro-...through the entirety of the room. H-he.. laughed his ass off as I... crawled after it...It.. it dispersed way too quickly... I could only get a few particles from it, I c-could feel it... in the end, it doesn't matter. This'll... will be my gr-grave. M-my last message to who-whoever the f*** will listen to this. Please forget about me... about this pathetic being that calls himself a human...
22nd of November 820 A.S.: Unknown; steadfast thread
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12:21: The voice heard is weak but steady. "It's all just a blur. What happened? I thought I had killed myself. But instead, everything feels so warm around me. Is it all just an illusion? To fool me into thinking that this is heaven, while in reality the warmth I feel are the fires of hell slowly gaining up on me? Who knew that I'd think about it that way, I've really grown weak, haven't I? But... it all feels so alive, so real. And nobody is giving me odd looks. What's up with that? I figured out by now that I'm in a hospital, but why? Did they listen to my recordings? I've just gotten the device back... and everybody acts like there is nothing going on. They'll probably come for me soon, to try and capture me once and for all. And I'm here stuck in this bed, unable to move. Tch... doesn't feel so bad, knowing that justice will finally find its way to me... finally."
14:51: "I've been told what happened, against all odds. Took quite a bit of convincing, but I was able to see through one of the doctor's expression. He seemed very pained when just looking at me. A different sort of expression, unrelated to hatred or bias. He is one of the older people around but he spoke wisdom. He... had relatives on Eleven, and for some reason, he seemed familiar. So I asked him why he didn't hate me for it. To my surprise, he said that those things can't be changed anymore. What a moron, though. Why would he care? What did I ever do apart from killing his family that makes me worth for redemption. Is this why my body and mind held on for so long? Because both knew the chance was there? Bulls***, we all know what will become of me. Even if he says all that, it won't change a thing. I'll still be either executed or locked up for the rest of my life in some abandoned place, like the place I thought would be my grave."
16:03: "I'm tired. But felt like I had to make this entry, given that I forgot to mention several things in the previous recording. Apparently, they found me in the abandoned section of that station, impaled. I remember the pain, although, it felt way less satisfying than I originally thought. I was on the verge of death when they had found me. Who, he didn't want to say, but they brought me here. Hell, I don't even know if I'm still on the same station or if I've been moved. But the date suggests that I was out for quite a while. So, it wouldn't surprise me if I am somewhere else now. He also told me that I don't need to worry about my addiction for the time I'm here. How nice, perhaps I can even buy some, once leaving again. But who am I kidding, I probably won't leave any time soon. I hear the people talk. They worry a lot. It won't be long until they make an example out of me. To both show that criminals won't get away with their actions, as well as satisfying those who lost their dearest friends and family. It's only logical... and reasonable. Yet, I still feel this hole in my stomach. I can't let go of these thoughts. The remorse, pain and their screams. Especially their screams..." The voice grows quieter, followed by deep sigh. "Part of me still wants to live on... experience the future. But if anything, I'm not one to deserve that."
21:59: "I just woke up again. I swear, the more time I spend here, the more tired I get. Have I been sentenced to death already? Is it just a matter of time until I pass out to never wake up again? Screw that, who would want to die like that? I have no problem with being executed, but putting me through more of this self-induced torture?" A deep sigh can be heard. "I suppose I do deserve that. They should probably neglect my cardamine supply, if they really want to see me suffer. I still don't understand why there's not been an attempt like that yet. I'm ready to die, I already was before. But for some reason, they're holding their feelings back. I can see it in their eyes. The same blank stare as all those times before. I didn't realize it at first but it's becoming more apparent. They want me gone, for good. And in time, I will grant their wish. I have no choice..."
21st of December 820 A.S.: Gran Canaria; uncertainty
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07:43: "It took quite a while after the last recording until I was able to walk again. When I did, I got almost thrown back into bed. Not that I had the strength to resist at that point, but still. They really don't trust me. A good thing. But I can't help but feel trapped here. The looks haven't stopped. And ever since I am able to walk again, they've only gotten worse. According to the date, almost one month passed already. In that time, one could have thought about improvement, but no. No such thing. People seem literally scared of me. But I was at least able to determine where I am. Apparently a clinic specialized for traumatized and psychologically unstable people. Though, I wouldn't call myself traumatized, the latter definitely applies to me. Regardless, this place is starting to feel very... tight. No change in color, always just the same tone of grey and white. It's irritating..."
08:36: "I managed to convince that old doctor that I needed to get out of the room, have some walks and what not. He agreed, thankfully. And for the first time, I had breakfast in that so called canteen. The food's questionably portioned and cooked but isn't different from that I get delivered into my room. Unfortunately it tastes worse the more I eat of it. Probably due to the people here... they all feel like they've lost something very important. I can't quite put my finger on it, but it's as if their life threads have shrunk in comparison to healthy people. Their life force... it feels dull, cold, abandoned. Some here look like they've been in this place for decades. Which would explain why they feel so empty. They're no threat, but they certainly make thinking hard around these parts. Given that I don't plan to stay here, that doesn't help. I've not neglected training myself either, ever since I felt strong enough to do so again. Obviously, only when they weren't looking, which was a challenge in itself."
10:56: "I've studied the patterns of the personnel, when they come and go through the otherwise locked security doors. Nothing I could force down myself, at least not without equipment. Regarding that, they probably confiscated it and are now storing it somewhere. I can't really leave without it. The plan goes into motion after lunch. There tends to be high amount of activity during that hour, so slipping through might just work. Just... got to be careful not to hurt anyone as badly as I did before, nor kill them. They're here to take care of us, after all. They're not bad people, not bad people."
15:12: "Air. Fresh. Air. I thought I was dreaming when I arrived outside. It was cold, but it was the best feeling I had in the past months, if not years. It struck me then, how much of a toll this freedom had cost. So many people hurt... over just this. Some even crippled, likely to not walk again for the coming weeks. I just hope I didn't kill anybody. I also still have to come back there for my equipment. But that's easier said than done. The complex itself is quite heavily secured. Without my training, I wouldn't have made it out. I... sincerely hope that I'll be able to control myself when that time comes. Until then, I'll have to find a place to rest and make do with the supplies I was able to bring along, which luckily also includes cardamine. I've got to say, though, this place hasn't change much ever since I was last here. Gran Canaria. It's still as beautiful as back then, despite the streaming rain and the environment I had to escape from. For now, I'm glad to be outside. Makes me feel alive again."
