The Adventures of Megalo Maniac

[Garrett Jax]

The Adventures of Megalo Maniac


Mwahaha! My plans for universal domination are proceeding exactly as I have foreseen. Well, maybe not exactly.

For years I have labored as a lowly janitor, cleaning the toilets defiled by the filthiest miners of Planet Pittsburgh. The humiliation was almost unbearable. No one ever told me that extensive exposure to boron dramatically decreases the accuracy of urine flow. I don’t think those miners even tried to aim for the toilet. The men’s bathroom was even worse. When my plans for universal domination are ultimately fulfilled, these miners will be among the first to suffer. As humiliating as this job was, however, it was necessary to endure it, for it provided me the income to finance my grandiose plans.


My first purchase? A ship. A powerful craft capable of striking fear into the hearts of those that oppose me. I marched into the dealership determined to purchase a vessel worthy of my goals and walked out with a Civilian Shuttle. When I achieve my goal of ultimate power I will make that ship dealer writhe in pain for laughing at me. How was I to know that I was woefully short of affording a Liberty Assault Battle Cruiser? The Civilian Shuttle may not strike fear into the hearts of my enemies, but it is mine. Mine! I tell you!


In order to get a stronger ship I needed credits. Lots of them. So, undaunted, I flew outside the docks of Planet Manhattan, into Liberty space, searching for ways to obtain these credits as quickly as possible. Outside the docking rings sat several pilots, flying ships of various makes and models, all clogging the comm lines with their incessant chatter. Future minions, I thought. These will be made to serve me, in time. I approached one and demanded he tell me the quickest way to obtain credits. In a Neanderthal type voice, he uttered, “Go to Pennsy and mine, noob.” If my ship guns were capable, I would have blasted his sloping forehead right off his body. Sadly, I could see no other alternative than to do what he advised.


I headed toward the Pennsylvania System and was immediately accosted by a Liberty Navy attack ship named Reaper. He demanded that I stop and prepare for a scan. How dare him! Since I had no chance of defeating his heavily armed ship, I decided to pummel him with the only real weapon I had—Sarcasm. I pulled down my pants and asked if he wished to do a more thorough scan. Then I ran. That blasted Navy fool chased me all the way from Texas to Colorado System. I thought that this was the end for me. Finally, I tired of running and made my stand near Planet Denver. As expected, he approached me with his superior warship. Unexpectedly, he began a long lecturing diatribe of how I could be fined 10 million for obstruction of justice, sent to prison or worse. “Obstruction of justice?” I asked, “What? Did I not pull my pants down fast enough for you?” More lecturing ensued. I realized he was not going to blast me with his guns, but simply bore me to death with his incessant whining. I finally told him to leave and he did as was instructed. One thing to note: He seemed to take offense at being called "future minion". I will have to remember to use that phrase often around him.

Screenshots of conversation.
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Finally, I made my way to the Pennsylvania System to try my hand at mining. I spent years among the miners at Planet Pittsburgh and never knew a single one of them to be rich. Needless to say, I was dubious at the prospect of making any serious amount of credits at shooting rocks. Nevertheless, I was willing to give it a try. I flew my shuttle to the bluish cloud behind Planet Erie looking around for little hard bits of floating rocks. Before too long I discovered them and started shooting. After a while, my cargo bay was filled with helium that I could sell at Planet Erie. I calculated how many trips it would take for me to save up for my Liberty Assault ship. The number was too high for my calculator. It crashed. I grew so angry that I quickly ejected all the helium I had and blasted it with my guns. I was not about to mine a single rock again for as long as I live.


Frustrated at my lack of success at getting credits quickly, I decided to leave the system and found myself in the middle of a dogfight between Liberty Police and Liberty Rogues. There were several ships involved and it looked as if the Police were getting the upper hand. Every time a ship exploded, a pilot ejected, and was left drifting in space. I enabled my tractor beam and captured the escape pod. I was surprised to note that bounty hunters paid a copious amount of credits for these Liberty Rogue pilots. Later, I discovered some floating Outcast pilots in their escape pods. The amount for bringing them in was much greater. Before long, my cargo bay was filled with Liberty Rogues, Outcasts and even some Liberty Police. I would hold these idiots hostage and sell them to the highest bidder. It would still take some time, but at least this was a much less boring way to obtain the credits I so desperately needed.


As I was busy accumulating these prisoners in my hold, a huge tradeship appeared through the Pennsylvania jumpgate. Its callsign was VR-Nocturne.of.Shadow. I scanned his ship and found his cargo bay to be much vaster than my simple Civilian Shuttle. As I sat there coveting his ability to make huge sums of money, he wired over 2,000,000 credits to my account. I gaped in shock at my quick fortune. Finally, I found an individual worthy of becoming my minion. I told him that when I came to power, that his name would be remembered for this good deed.


Screenshot of credits

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With my hard earned credits, I traveled to the nearest planet and docked. In the morning I would begin my search for a ship with a much larger cargo hold. Maybe I will go back to the ship dealer that laughed at me and tell him I bought a more expensive ship at another dealership. Hah!


My plans for universal domination are underway.

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