Into Darkness

[Julia]

Preparations

The next day I was woken up by the bell again. It was time for breakfast. I was thinking a long time about it and eventually decided to avoid Mellanie. I didn’t want to put her in more danger than she already was because of me. I was even skipping the shower and made my way directly to the canteen and sat myself on the other edge of the table, away from Mellanie. I saw her entering the canteen, but didn’t watch her and instead turned my head to the other side, hoping she wouldn’t see me there.

Even later at school we couldn't really talk with each other, as I decided to sit somewhere else instead of next to her. At the break, I stayed at my table while all the other orphans left the room to pass by the time. Mellanie walked to me when our break started and wanted to know what was going on.
"Hope you didn't lose your tongue just like them now?" Mellanie asked quietly as she approached me.
I raised my head to look at Mellanie and smiled softly at her.
"Don't worry. I am fine. Just don't want to put you in any danger anymore." I replied honestly and turned my head away again.
"Just stick to the rules so we can at least keep talking?" Mellanie said with a slight frown.
"I am... I am sticking to the rules." I replied, obviously lying.
"Then there isn't any reason for you to evade me." She said with a frown still, clearly not happy.
"I will just look around in my free time." I said with a soft giggle. "Shouldn't get in trouble then, right?"
"Right... do whatever you want." She muttered before turning around, wanting to follow the other orphans out.
"W-wait... Mellanie." I said with a sigh as I noticed that Mellanie wanted to move away.
"Do you really want to live a life like that? Not being allowed to have any love? Even worse, being punished for loving someone?" I asked sternly, referring mostly to the diary that I had read earlier.
"Not like we will be here forever. I'm eighteen, just need to finish school here and then I'm out to find some place I can study or something." She replied, meaning there was a life beyond the orphanage.
"Stop being so naive. They are not going to let you go. Believe me." I said with a sigh.
"How do you know, you're here for only a few days." She replied, having turned around to me again.
"The woman who is gone wasn't, though. Look at the majority of the people here. They are rather old. Maybe they act like this, because they have lost any hope for a rescue." I tried explaining.
"Rescue? You talk about this place being some kind of prison camp." She replied with a frown.
"I feel like in a prison here..." I said with a frown and buried my head into my arms on the table.
"I don't." Mellanie said on a plain tone.
"Then go enjoy your life in this prison." I said sternly.
"Promised to look after you, but it's kind of hard if you don't bother listening..." She replied, seeming to be disappointed.
I stood up and stepped closer towards Mellanie.
"What should I do then? I am not even allowed to do this." I said and grabbed for Mellanie's hand.
"Then don't do it..." Mellanie sighed, pulling her hand back some.
"Fine..." I said and let out a sigh as well after having walked past her towards the door.
"Good luck." Mellanie mumbled, moving after her a moment later but to find her own way outside to have her break there.

I sat myself down onto the ground with my back leaned against the wall, away from the other pupils. I needed the time for myself to think. I felt hopeless. Either I would find out more about this woman and likely lose the contact with Mellanie, or forget about this whole thing and concentrate more on the girl that I really liked a lot. I eventually just ended up staring at Mellanie the entire break. She glanced a few times back at me but tried to avoid eye contact with me.

The break was soon over and the orphans were all going back to school, including me and Mellanie. We were still avoiding each other after the confrontation. It was bugging me that she didn’t want to help me, but I could somewhat understand her. She didn’t want to get in danger, and the least I wanted was to put her in danger anyway.

So I eventually decided to investigate this case further and I even had a plan already how to get to the infirmary. I was just wondering whether I should let Mellanie know what I was going to do or not. Perhaps with a letter, but that would only worry her and she would try to stop me, which would only put her and myself in danger. I was not going to let her know about my plans.

Later in the evening, when it was dinner, I took a seat far away from Mellanie again. I suppose she hated me by now, but I couldn’t change that now. There was no point of return now. Just before the plates were returned, I picked up one of the knives that were lying around and hid it in my pockets. That was going to be very useful later for my plan. But there was this nurse that watched me all the time. She was in her twenties and looked rather young compared to the other nurses that worked here. I hope she didn’t notice me picking it up.

Then it was time. I was alone in my room now. Should I really do it? I was so unsure about it. Was it really a good idea? No, probably not, but I couldn’t think of anything else that would get me to the infirmary. So eventually I did it, I sat myself on the bed and held the knife in my hand. I reached with the knife for my wrist and with some hesitation I began to cut myself. I was losing a lot of blood and began to get weaker by no time. I just hoped that someone was coming to see for me, like they always did to see if the orphans were already sleeping. If not, then this was going to be my end, a pathetic end. A few minutes later I lost my consciousness.