The NGF Journal of Medicine

[Pel]

Today we mourn the loss of one of the pioneers of a distinctly Gaian science, that of excrement biography.

As any pilot knows, after long hours in a cramped space dealing with the ship's waste reclamation system you can end up with some pretty embarrassing problems once you touch down on land.

To help pilots, and other Gaian citizens, get back in the flow of things and tune those chutes back to their optimal condition we turn to the Excrement Biographer, who sleuths out the obstructions to a proper undocking procedure through a careful analysis of our every offering to the porcelain god.

And we Physicians of Gaia certainly need to get our pilots back in shape, firing rockets again, because that's the key to our innovative radiation shielding technology in our ships-- bags of poop!

Famous Excrement Biographer Dead

The well known Gaian biographer, Professor Proctor, was discovered dead today in his suburban home on the outskirts of Preseli Hills.

The names of his clients were never released, but his writings showed a profound understanding of their inner natures as reflected in his deep and probing biographies of their excrement.

To the seemingly mundane act of excretion, Proctor attached a deep pathetic significance. It was a business toward which he was unfailingly tender.

How well Proctor understood the principle that life is not exclusively a public affair, and that the at times solemn business of our private bodily functions can be a source of almost hectic charm. Dramas that are profound and impactful to us as individuals so often happen in private and cannot be adequately shared, except with the help of a biographer of Proctor's caliber.

At times his prose seemed almost to take the form of a still life, tracing the undulations and curves of the product of the hour's exertions with the eye of an artist. And at others he may as well have been a wine connoisseur, describing the vivid and vegetal tones of his subject, its inky coloration and liveliness during the flush.

Like his subject matter, he is forever gone, but his vivid prose can keep us company as we commemorate his legacy in our lives.

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