To: All Mortals wishing to become Moderator From: A.D.M.I.N. HQ

[SMGSterlin]

Yuuta Segawa walks into his office and sits down at his personal Neural Net terminal and notices an odd transmission.

Oh? What's this strange transmission? An unencoded transmission from the A.D.M.I.N.S? Ha. Yeah right.

Yuuta opens the door to his office and yells into the hallway.

WHOEVER SENT ME THAT MESSAGE PRETENDING TO BE THE A.D.M.I.N.S, YOU'RE NOT FUNNY.

...

Also, whoever that was, YOU'RE FIRED. We don't need those strange beings finding out you were impersonating them, and then finding out you work here. Our insurance doesn't cover "unexplainable vaporization", which would surely happen to you and anyone or anything between you and them.

Yuuta closes the door and sits back down at the terminal.

...Eh, what the heck, might as well reply to it, for all I know it could be a joke from the CEO himself, and I'd hate to upset him by not replying.

Do you feel you have what it takes to become part of the Staff? We need janitors and maintenance people, not people with god complexes. Those are Admins.

Janitors and Maintenance People?.. You're speaking figuratively, right? You don't actually want me to mop floors or fix doors and such things... Right?

Assuming you DO mean figuratively, and don't expect me to do something as menial as hold a broom or hammer, then yes, I am perfectly able to be a cog in the machine that keeps the machine working.

A golden cog though, not one of those cheap iron ones.

Do you have the time to perform the duties? If so, how much?
Well, I certainly don't do any work at my job.

Yuuta stares at the dust on his desk and the pile of garbage in the corner.

Heck, I haven't even cleaned my office in over a month, that speaks towards my lack of janitorial skills. I have plenty of time to do whatever it is that you would have me do, hours off and on everyday.

Can you install a Sunbucks coffee machine?

Yuuta quickly opens a new window on the Neural Net and searches "how to install Sunbucks Coffee Machine". After a couple minutes of searching he proudly and confidently replies...

Sure thing, you just need to plug it in to any standard non-nuclear power source, fill the basket with Official Sunbucks Coffee, hook up a water line into the water intake valve, and you have an unending supply of Sunbucks Coffee.

Do you have a thick skin in order to withstand the pain when Admins kick you?

I've been kicked so many times, that I've built up a natural armor to such things. I can take quite a beating before I start to feel pain.

...Just so long as you don't kick me while wearing some sort of special Tachyon tipped boots, or stab me with knives, or shoot me with anything. Those things would hurt even the hardest man.

Can you put aside favoritism toward your favorite mortals in order to assure justice is done?

I rarely show favoritism to anyone, and especially in the pursuit of justice. Heck, even just a few minutes ago I fired someone for sending this ridiculous transmission to me, pretending to be one of you A.D.M.I.N.S. I don't even know who it was I fired, could've been the best employee in the company for all I know.

...Of course, in the slim chance this wasn't a prank, and this really is a message from the A.D.M.I.N.S, then the person- err, -being-, reading this is obviously not fired, and whoever it was I fired I need to talk to and tell him he's not fired. ...But I don't even who it was I fired, so how am I going to talk to him and get him back?.. I'm confused.

Yuuta scratches his head.

Can you put together the parts for a tractor?

Do I look like one of those crazy Farmers Alliance people? Do I look like I have experience in doing something as menial as farm work, or being a grease monkey that works on something as simple as a tractor? I'm a leader in a multi-billion credit corporation, I haven't even touched motor-oil since my college days.

However, I can gladly hire someone who is able to put together parts for a tractor, and even put together the tractor itself. I'll pay for it out of my own pocket even.

You may become knowledgeable of Admin conspir[A]cies. Can you keep confidence?

Oh I'm great at keeping secrets, I know tons of things that no one else knows. For example, I've never told anyone about the spare key that Mr. Shirou keeps hidden under the mat in front of his office, or that our old CEO was a Nomad Incubus, and I've certainly never told anyone that half of our annual budget is spent on hookers and booze for Mr. Shirou.

Yep, I'm one of the best secret keepers there is, there's not a single secret I ever let slip out.

...

Oh well, this was a nice waste of a few minutes, whoever is getting this reply, thank you for the few minutes of entertainment, but you're still fired. Unless you're the boss, in which case, I really hope you didn't read this message...

And if this is actually going to someone or something, somewhere that I don't know about, then please, don't forward this to my boss, or send death rays anywhere near me for my ignorance.

Gotta cover all bases, just to be safe.

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