To: All Mortals wishing to become Moderator From: A.D.M.I.N. HQ

[Acolyte]

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Yes. YES! Do you see, Izic? The time has come. OUR time has come! At last, the Creator has shown us the opportunity we have sought for so long. See! See the omens! See how he speaks of 'coffee' machines and 'tractors'. Children of the Creator! At last! Now, we must speak with him.

Do you feel you have what it takes to become part of the Staff? We need janitors and maintenance people, not people with god complexes. Those are Admins.

Yes! Of course! For years, I have groveled at the feet of others. "You need to be more humble," the Patriarch said, "Show some humility!" he said. I have tied the shoes of toddlers while their bodies made strange noises; I have polished the shoe of my barista using my spit while my mocha brewed; I am the perfect visage of humility!

I shall destroy our foes with a patient smile and dead gaze!

Do you have the time to perform the duties? If so, how much?

For the immediate future, our temporal limitations are quite few. Final examinations at the Temple take place for the next two weeks, but my peers shall quickly be smitten. I shall choke out the wisdom of the acolytes, which buds like a daisy in spring, for none can match the brilliance humility of the Vicar Malachi! In short, that's not a huge time commitment.

The true threat comes in the coming summer months, when the corporate devil may lay his wrangly hands upon me and wrench from my days ten hours. We suspect Phantom-devil intervention. Some say they're gone, but we know better.

Can you install a Sunbucks coffee machine?
The Creator birthed such machines from the deepest pits of his generosity! So inclined to see his followers know his blessing, he did provide the "coffee" machine! Since the installation of this contraption, acolyte attendance to the Temple has never been higher.

Do you have a thick skin in order to withstand the pain when Admins kick you?

My flesh is woven of steel! My blood is the ichor of the Creator! My heart beats to the rhythm of the Temple Hymnal! So long as our soul is healthy, our bodies shall recognize no harm! Also my self-esteem has grown in indirect proportion to my "e-peen" (see Liberty Medical Journal, v. 47, 816 AS) since my previous departure, so verbal abuse won't be a problem either.

Can you put aside favoritism toward your favorite mortals in order to assure justice is done?

All of my fellow clergy were slain in the uprising of the Heretic Zhane years ago. Only recently have I awoken. There can be no favoritism for the Keeper, for all his favorites were turned into a steaming pile of goo by Corporis plasma batteries. These faces I see around me are all new.

But if a new acolyte should enroll in my class, he shall be shown no mercy.

Can you put together the parts for a tractor?
Would you accept knowledge of organic marine harvesting as an alternative to crop production in order to subsist?

{{-- Photographic Proof of Expertise --}}

You may become knowledgeable of Admin conspir[A]cies. Can you keep confidence?
When I was eleven, I kept my brother's engagement a secret from our family for six months until he was ready to tell them himself. I can keep space-mysteries locked well within my sacred pantaloons.

Blessings of Creation, Lord High Master Jax!

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Rebirth | The Journal of Virgil Harrison

[\JG/] - AU - RepEx - OSI - .:j:. - XA - SCRA - ELE - VE - Zoner for Life

I've seen it all, man.