The Retribution Chronicles

[Korrd]

Opening the story might enrich it, if you get the right people to post. Be careful on that.

I've read it all, and so far it's quite good. It reminds me of Riddick though..

Still, I have some suggestions to do:

* You shouldn't refer to map coordinates with cardinal points. Even if we do on freelancer (mostly 'cause of the 2D-like nature of the navmap), there are no reference points like that in space. You should use other method, like a Cartesian system, galactic coordinates, or the like.

* Tech should be more advanced. You could read some books, like a "fire upon the deep", "deepness in the sky", or "Citizen of the Galaxy", and take some concepts from there. Freelancer hasn't defined much of the tech used on Sirius, except for the spaceships' main systems and some other basics, so you have some freedom on this one. Having "smartdust", for example, would be useful as a plot device. Networked HUD's should be more common, as suggested by the existence of the neural net. Powered armour could be of some use too, but not too powerful, as It might spoil it.

* The cycle is too repetitive, and the main character has almost no time to rest between battles, as the reader. You should give him a rest from time to time, so the main char does something else, like researching or exploring a bit, instead of fighting against everyone on the planet. It gets boring when the main char goes through the story as if it were a 63v1 CS map, with everybody waiting for you around every corner, and no end in sight.
Also, don't make him indestructible. Face him against something that he has to retreat from. He might be dangerous, and powerful, but not indestructible. I wonder what he could do against an power-armoured target, other than run away.

* Don't use too many plot devices, like "I was naked, and being attacked by 20 tanks!!!!!!!1. And all of sudden, I found an uber mark XVIII tactical missile launcher under a rock, and used it to fry the tanks". You haven't done it yet, which is good. Except (I think...) for the part when he finds a rifle on the tree line and uses it to defeat the two armoured guards.

* Try to tell a part of the story from the other side too. to give a bit of a justification why is he being kept on shadows, instead of the "you're dangerous, so we won't tell you who you are". That would give the story a bit more of "deepness".

* Don't be hasty. Take a look at the movie "Eragon", and have it as an example of all those things that you should never do to a story. When the char meets someone important, take your time so things that should be explained are explained correctly, instead of the "I ran to his room, interrogated her/him, and in 3 seconds I knew everything. Then I ran away, as BHG people blasted the place to dust".


Those are only suggestions though, from my point of view...

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