A dissimilar Journal

[SeaFalcon]

Entry: . 009

Date: 07 07 823

User: .. Inge Wexler
Pass: .. ******

Subject: Vacation

Things have been nagging my mind lately, Derek who has been spending time with me, Noah who has been around which I for some reason can’t shake from my mind and then there is Norman who I’m really starting to miss now. I guess Derek is making up for it. Now there at least someone I can hold onto whenever I have a nightmare. They seem to have less of an influence on me whenever I am able to wake up next to someone. It’s weird though, they have become so much more vivid as of late, this is why I started to seek for help from Glass, hoping he would have a solution for this as Noah obviously doesn’t have a reliable one.

Me and Noah had a lunch together and everything went quite well, I enjoyed it but accidentally ruined he mood when I mentioned my nightmares and almost begged for him to take his memories that he had pushed into me back. He offered help and dried my tears by offering some ice cream. It was a simple gesture but it worked wonders. I was happy, truly happy. I guess I could compare the feeling to when he gave me a ship. Hah, weird that a ship can equal a simple ice cone.

We separated and agreed on a new meeting where he would introduce someone that could help me with my nightmares and hopefully could rid me of them. I was nervous but also looking forward to it, would this finally mean that I could sleep again properly? Apparently not, I saw Noah kiss this woman in front of me, he wasn’t aware of my presence yet. When it became apparent that this woman was supposed to help me, I became conflicted and paranoid. I wouldn’t be able to trust them no matter how much I tried. I also felt betrayed and jealous, at least the latter is what Glass told me. I left as I saw nothing good coming from this.

***

Some days later I was on escort duty together with Noah and some other pilots. Drones had located a new object in Omicron Delta. It was a simple task, all we had to do was to keep the survey vessels secure. I was fine for the most part of the mission but when Hans von Goeben and Thallia showed up. Hans is a researcher who helped me with some personal issues, perhaps a story for another time. He however didn’t recognise me as he isn’t aware of my alter ego, Miri. Thallia on the other hand might have recognised me but she kept quiet about it, something I appreciated as she is the woman that Noah kissed and I guess there is more to it than just a kiss. Who knows, maybe he called her in after we located this structure in Delta as it was obviously Nomad related.

Sure enough, after taking some scans and retrieving research material we awakened the beast. Several larger nomad creatures showed up and started to lose my focus as they began beaming their images into my had. I managed to fight it but I’ve never felt such a massive headache. I don’t think I passed out but I don’t recall much of what happened besides trying to fight off one of the smaller creatures. Noah was yelling at me to fall back, only then I noticed I was actually on my own. At least I managed to bail out and caught up with the rest but I didn’t feel safe with flying any further and thus docked on Freeport 8 to try and catch my breath. I couldn’t stop shaking as memories flooded my mind when I was alone in my room. I downed some alcohol before I passed out, I guess it worked. Sure I woke up with a hangover but at least my mind wasn’t occupied with the fear and memories anymore.

I went back to talk to Glass to explain to him what happened when we encountered the Nomads. I feel it wasn’t just them that caused me to freak out like that but that it had to do with Noah as well and perhaps the presence of Thallia too as they both have this ability to influence one’s mind. I can’t know for sure and perhaps it’s just my paranoia but what can you do…

***

Glass gave me some advice and sleeping pills to break through the nights and at least get more sleep even though the nightmares are still there, I am now able to sleep normal hours instead of the regular three or four I used to have before waking up and then being unable to catch any sleep.. Glass also offered a procedure that could possibly remove my traumatising memories. I’m not sure what to think of this, it sounds dangerous and I don’t trust him or those he works for enough to actually proceed with this. What if they removed more than just my troubled thoughts? For all I know they could brain wash me into a zombie that works for me. Ah, here goes my paranoia again.

There was something else Glass was curious about as well and that was Tacitus, he asked about my relationship with him and I was honest. We were close but I didn’t want it to actually be a relationship. His presence helps me and he makes me happy, he’s like a shelter from all my troubles, I place I can retreat to. However, he’s not really supposed to engage in relationships himself. He does push for that and it makes me uncomfortable, I tried to explain him my stance a few times now but I am still not sure if he caught on. Glass explained me that this by no means is supposed to influence our jobs, so I’ll make sure of that and I hope to keep him in check. I however do fear a painful ending but for now it feels like it’s worth it as I wouldn’t know what I would do if I were to be truly alone. Well, alone I say, before Tacitus I did go and see random guys to try and seek for this refuge I needed to handle these nightmares. It worked but it doesn’t feel right.

Surely things did break down sooner than I expected. Tacitus mentioned that he knew who I was, an agent, he said. And here I thought this was left in the past. He said he talked to Hunt and that he mentioned this to him. I became upset and pushed him away. I wanted to be alone as I felt betrayed again. Why is this chasing me? Why can’t people just believe who I really am? All of this because some Nomad once mentioned my name in which the context doesn’t even seem to make sense. Goddamn it, why I can’t my friends just trust me?!

I didn’t really think anymore when I wrote Hunt some sarcastic messages. Sure enough he eventually caught on and he tried to explain to me that it was some sort of misunderstanding. Heh, of course just a misunderstanding, I’m sure it’s just that. I don’t believe him nor do I trust him. Even now that Tacitus explained to me that it was his fault and things were probably said in a way he didn’t mean to. I accepted his apology and we made up for it. However I don’t believe Hunt or Raven casted the thought of me being and agent away. I never actually felt I could connect with Raven to begin with. We had some chats in the past but never really seemed to find common ground besides her goals, the way she executes them leaves questions, yet I feel like I’m stuck here as I really have no one else to turn to. Sitting at home or going independent feels like a waste of time to me as I wouldn’t change anything in this world. At least being in Auxesia feels like I’m having an impact on the survival of mankind by standing our ground against the Nomads.

As for Hunt, I feel a lot more connected with him. We talked quite often about very personal things and whenever I am stuck with my feelings or thoughts I always felt he would be willing to listen. Maybe listening to someone else’s issues makes him able to deal with his own better. However I do often feel that he just tells me things that I want to hear rather than being completely honest. Just like when he told me he believed me when I said I wasn’t an agent. I don’t think he meant that but he doesn’t want me gone either. It’s a difficult situation for me and I noticed I am second guessing a lot more things than I used to do.

To sum everything up from the recent weeks. Me and Noah managed to connect a little again just to have it break down again. Me and Tacitus connected more just to have that fall apart and re-connect once more at the cost of my trust towards Hunt and Raven diminishing to the point where I don’t know if I want to call hem friends anymore. It’s not that I don’t like them but I am second guessing them too much so perhaps stepping back myself and simply let them do their thing while I do mine is the best approach for now. In the meantime I have a week at least to be here on Gran Canaria to settle my thoughts and perhaps even try this meditating, who knows what that will do to me.