Sanada Junko

[Yaoquizque]

Private correspondence

It's the second time I'm downed within a few months.

This marauder has definitely seen too much and I wouldn't be surprised if maintenance teams did the very minimum required to keep it afloat. They already complained to have to work on a foreign - and probably centuries old - design. Following this accident in Chugoku, they were forced to salvage what was left of the hull and to get it back to working order. Told them it was an order of the Admiral, and of course Hideaki covered me. But they really started to hate me since then. No doubt they screwed up while repairing it, which explains the issues I encountered in Tau 23. Some play-toy there, Eliza something. Shot me down pretty hard. I was lucky an IMG patrol showed up.

I do not know what to do now. I feel oppressed here, stalked by father's men. My sister keeps messaging me. She gave birth to a son a few months ago and wants me to visit her. I'm not sure I can. Fuyuko is a nice brainless doll, doing what she is told like a good girl. She has everything she wants; married to a wealthy man, maintaining the rank of Sanada House in high society... She even has a son now. And what about me? More than a decade of service that only gave me unhealed wounds.

This familiar desire to prove myself still burns, inside. My achievements were never acknowledged by father. All he needed was a pawn for his influence games, not a daughter. My refusal to serve him only brought upon me - and the people I care about - his wrath. I already dishonored Sanada House by running away from my husband and getting out of his reach, thanks to Seto war. Father would certainly prefer to see me dead now, and I'm truly afraid of what he could do to me... To the man I love.

This uneasiness has cost me a lot already. I have lost my temper more than once lately, and my behavior seems to be the reason I wasn't promoted since a fair while. Even worse, they threatened to demote me following the incident in Chugoku system. I'm on a dead-end.

My relations with Hideaki have somewhat worsened. He is doing his best, I can see that. I'm the one at fault. I can't help but keeping some distance, displaying that tough girl facade. The truth is I'm afraid of what could happen. What if he died tomorrow? Can I afford to give again my heart, just to see fate ruin me once more? All I know right now is I'm treating him as if he was some kind of expendable asset. He definitely doesn't deserve this.

Perhaps I should finally accept to drop those barriers I made to protect myself, the very reason of this distance between us. Perhaps I should stop acting like a pathetic spineless thing and walk right to the Imperial District and confront father. Perhaps tomorrow.

I hear again the call of the unknown. Flying where those solar winds take us, far from everything we know... I learned to like this feeling during my first departure from Kusari. That could be another solution, running away. But there is one thing still retaining me; my ties with Hideaki.

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