Cancer

[Loyola]

Cancer - Сhapter I

[img float=right]http://i.imgur.com/ZEUwr8E.jpg?1[/img]

It's a four years have passed since Loyola was walking on Maltese streets. Walking alone, without a purpose, just killing time. She was doing it all the time, just walking around and killing time. She just did not find an interesting things to do. Of course, as all people she had quite a bit of daily business, but she ignored them if she could.

Her mother was still around and did not miss at the Barrier, her brother still kept working on his research 'papers'. But still, doing daily business wasn't her way of living, she could explain it somehow, but she never did in public. It was too personal and probably too uncompleted even for herself to word it properly. Maybe time to realize it didn't come yet, maybe she was unprepared. Loyola wasn't sure if she want to know heself, it was fine as it is and why she would be bother with trying to explain it to someone else. It's not their business after all, not all all.

If there was anything that Loyola truly cared about, then it was a right on her own opinion as well as the right on privacy. She never was intend to force her opinion on someone or care about the others. In the same way she wasn't tolerating any attempt to be forcefully influenced by someone. She always was it as a fair agreement and reacted rather heatedly if someone dare to violate it.

For that reason she was losing most of the opportunities in her life. She alwas saw and realized them, but she let them to fade away. It was hard to explain rationally, especially from the outsider point of view. Many people were ready to come and help her, help to because of her in specific. Loyola as the name was still in memory of old families and they would help just to repay some really old 'bills'. She could easily to reclaim a former glory of her family, since her brother was interested even less.

She actually got a lot of complaining about this, from her family and friends, even from the people that she barely knew, but who have learned about her a little bit more. She didn't see a problem with not having a dream of fuck up her life at some point. Maybe there was someone who knew this life better than her and most likely they were right. But this is only one life that she had and she wanted to live it in a way she wants and likes. Of course this is not alwats possible, and Loyola was not actually a rebel kind of person. She just was protecting her small right on not do the things that she doesn't want to do.

Somewhere deep inside she knew, that it won't lead her to anything good, she knew that for sure. Loyola also was terribly scared of this feeling, feeling of a coming disaster in her life. Sometimes she've met those thoughts and feeling with panic, sometimes with a quiet smile. At one point she was defending her freedom to act like she likes, on the other hand she somehow knew for sure that this path will lead to something catastrophic. She wasn't dumb enough to be a fatalist, she wasn't stupid enough to be self-destructive. But, it all made a perfect sense in her head and she had a feeling that everything is going right.

She was thinking about it a lot, thinking for years, but nothing really changed because of it. Because she always felt society pressures and common sense were the opposite to her worldview. Loyola always have lived in a some sort of internal war, where winner and loser was to be only herself. Maybe it was less notiable than the other things, but it played it's huge role in Loyola's life. She was even close to that, that it would be called schizophrenic. It also was draning a lot of energy and time, and was the actual reason why she tried to stay alone for hours. After all, walking alone on the streets was not the worst option.

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