I just realized something. 'Cause I keep forgetting about you, except when I feel shitty. Some sort of self-help process I suppose? God I'm wondering what someone reading this would think of me. "Jesus, what a depressed bitch". Something along those lines probably. Anyways, as you probably already guessed, yes, I'm writing something again because I'm feeling - gotcha, exactly, shitty.
Now you gonna ask "Ey, what happened?". If it wasn't that I had a very specific talk with Troy, I'd be completely alright, but this way, it was just as hurtful and painful as it could be. What did he do you ask? He made me realize I'm in really deep trouble, fucking deep trouble to be precise. And showed that I'll have to work stuff out with my boyfriend. Cause the way it is at the moment just makes me sad.
Right, that's because I haven't seen him at all lately. No Hey, no message, no anything. I'm absolutely sure it's not out of disinterest or anything, rather because of this paperwork issue, but it still hurts. You don't believe me how lonely I actually feel. It's like he left me alone with the baby, and put me alone into a massive world of fear. Yep, that's the way I feel at the moment. But that's just the tip of the iceberg. I'm afraid of this baby. Afraid of the amount of responsibility that I'm obviously not able to show in any way. What if it doesn't work out? This whole relationship keeps putting me under a lot of pressure, I gotta be honest about that. Not that I didn't love him, Jesus Christ, I do, but the circumstances couldn't be any worse for us at the moment.
If, yes if we decided to part for our mental sake, what would happen with the baby then? I couldn't raise it up alone, neither can John. Yes, of course, if we decided fast, there'd be another solution, I fucking know, but this is completely out of question for me. No matter what happens, I am not going to kill somebody off I'm already loving.
And there are the lies, these goddamn lies I told him. "Oh yes, I had a weird dinner, but nothing happened". Bloody lie! Something did happen! And I lied about it in front of his eyes. I can't stand this any longer, everytime I look into his eyes I feel like betraying him, not telling him about my major mistake, or rather mistakes. This is not how a relationship should work, and hence I'm going to tell him and just hope for the best. Best would be just slamming doors I suppose. I'm afraid of this talk, I really am, but this talk had always had to be done at some point. Now the time has come to be honest about it, and let him decide how he wants to handle it. I mean, even though it would hurt me, I could understand if I lose his trust because of that. I'm the one who fucked this up, so I simply have to live with the consequences of my actions.
And to top it all off, a friend has gone away, literally out of nothing. And yes, I'm indeed calling Troy a friend. It wasn't as easy between us two, that I gotta admit, but he still was a sympathetic person, somebody I trusted, somebody I thought I can ask for help. And now there's one more gone I can talk to. Do you understand why I feel lonely right now? If John's reaction is going to be the way I think it is, I got nobody anymore. The situation in Forlorn is becoming worse as well, rumors are spreading several people are about to leave the ship.
Feels like my whole fucking world is collapsing at the moment. I'll end this now, before I begin doing something I really, really hate to do. And yes, I mean crying.
