Log of Lena Riemann

[Shelco]

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Log of Lena Riemann, entry 28

22.05.824 A.S.

Encryption code: ROT

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"Isn't this nice? I barely got away from my Coalition transponders and papers and suddenly I meet this nice woman from the Order who offered me Shelter, a place in their ranks, everything. I declined pretty fast though, I don't know if I ever want to be in a group like this again, that would be the fourth attempt now... I think they don't even want me back, I look like a traitor who didn't succeed at his job and now tries again, pathetic. On the other hand, I might as well do it, simply for the sake of being safe enough to survive, while the job is very dangerous, I got more protection there and the chances of getting killed are probably not even that much higher with all the scum floating around in space these days. Vanessa is being very lovely and understands me, I am not trying to justify what I did, but Lukas abandoned me and I am all alone without her, how did I even manage to become a Major? And then a Commander? It is as if company changes me completely when I am all alone out there I feel so...weak and with no purpose. I don't really know how being a Freelancer works, I have never been one, I was a revolutionary all of my life, I don't think this is what I was made for, but why did I do it so well then? I used to believe, I used to believe in the Hessians but I realized that this belief was... no longer justified. I believed in the Order, or well, I believed in myself working for the Order, but I basically fled because it was a foreign world for me, the Omicrons... so close and yet so far and dangerous as well. I used to believe in the Coalition and their values, I tried to free the little man, the working class, those who were oppressed. Now by the time I wonder, is anyone even oppressed or are we all free? Maybe I was on the completely wrong side all the time, good job, Lena, you would be great at realizing if it was true. I killed so many people, at least I didn't kill civilians but... if I think about it... can you justify shooting the Rheinwehr, Liberty Navy or anyone just because they defend their home? Are we the bad people for attacking what is peaceful or are we at war with the evil people that make everyone believe that they are good? Why can I not know the answer to all these questions? Why have I never even asked those questions before? Not even myself, as if I couldn't trust myself. Maybe I know or knew what was right and wrong all along without trying to make an actual change because I prefer everything to stay the way it is? I wonder if my meeting with Vanessa back then was a coincidence or not, she came just out of nowhere and helped me from being killed, it was so heroic from her, helping a hessian! And that as a special Rheinland agent, I honestly doubt she is one in the end. She is way too nice and lovely to me to be a hard trained Agent working for the government or the Kanzler, she could be Gott weiß was. Or who. Now that I am not with any unlawful group anymore though, I don't really care who or what she affiliates with, she is my friend no matter what, she said that herself and I believe that. Lukas left me and she is the only one I have currently, if I could have both of them by my side that would be awesome, way too awesome, I know. I am talking some mess here again, I am always so short with what I say, I am not a person that talks a lot around it, I come to the point, but since there is no point I can keep talking all day, mainly about how sad and depressed I am. Soon I will be annoyed by myself and try something out to feel excited again, maybe it even kills me, oh well, then it is over as well, although I think Lukas still feels something for me, maybe I am just mistaken with that but I don't know if I want that anyways. Okay, you are now free from me, Laufey, we will find a home, a place where we can live and enjoy our life away from stress and.. pain."

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Shutting down ...

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