I'm sorry if this is a bit harsh, but I feel criticism is the only way to improve. That's what feedback is for ! So please don't be mad at me
I think your grammar and punctuation need A LOT of work. Sometimes you deliver these giant walls of texts with hardly a comma to give the reader time to breathe. Or sometimes you limit your text to tiny sentences linked by full stops that don't really need to be there. Understanding you is more complicated than it should be, sometimes even verbs are missing.
I know the core of RP is to make up a story, interesting characters, interactions and whatnot. That's the essence, the fun part. But bad syntax really takes a lot away from the pleasure of reading, and on the level sometimes exhibited by your posts, I'd say it even becomes confusing and hard to follow sometimes.
I won't criticise for the sake of it however, so I'll give you a piece of advice I was taught a long time ago, in khâgne (French undergrad course focused on humanities, a tough school but a very rewarding one) : whether you're trying to write a complex, multithreaded essay or a simple story about yourself, there is one rule, three words : precise, concise, well-built. To go deeper : you must strive to make your writing crisp, communicative, and well structured, with ideas behind each part of your text. Ideally, I should be able to pick apart any of your sentences, and you should be able to explain to me why it's there and what purpose it accomplishes. In writing, more often than not, I've found that less is more. A traditional mistake that writers, old and new, make, is try their hand at sophisticated, elaborate sentence structures when they know little of style, rhythm, pacing, or syntax. Trying to look cool or smooth usually gets you a very inelegant and hard to read prose. Anyone who wishes to git gud at writing needs to start thus : simple, efficient, coherent and easy to read. Those should be your pillars, upon which all your stories rest.
Finally, an example I picked from one of your stories. "Michael Richard, finally took a short break from most of the military matters as conflicts driven smaller-sized. managed to visit the estate christened to his name for his deeds, rising from the grounds of New Corinth. He had a hovercar readied for him at the parking slots of the estate. "
Why is there a comma after "Michael Richard" ? Why do you need to pause there ?
"As conflicts driven small-sized" ? I think I get the gist of it, but that sentence goes nowhere. Either your tense is wrong, or there's something missing.
"managed to visit the estate" : there is no subject, no capital M. Is this the beginning of your sentence ? Who is it talking about ?
Estate : twice in two lines. Surely that word has a shit ton of synonyms you could pick to add richness and variety to your sentence.
A mere example, but those, I think, are the vectors you need to work on if you are serious about getting to the next step on your RP. I'd also recommend a "show, don't tell" approach to your writing. Your first paragraph about Richard is very heavy to read, as well : "He did this. He did that. He had to do this. He went to see this and that". There's not much meat on the bones here, just a list of things happening to your character. Make it livelier ! Connect those goddamn sentences. However ! Following that ! Additionally ! Despite ! There are so many ways to connect the dots. Otherwise, your story looks like a shopping list, with your character's actions and thoughts as items on said list. That is very unexciting to read.
I have taken the liberty of editing a passage from that same story to give you the full idea of what I advise you to work on. This is what you wrote : "He made a medallion of sorts out of the Battle of Tau-44 medal he had insistedly given by the other members of Admirality even if he did not want it at first place. He considered his scars from a direct Secondary Battery fire to the bridge of Phobos was enough for him."
This is what I'd write - not perfect (no such thing), but in my opinion, easier to go through, simpler and without losing the meaning I think you meant to convey. "He had crafted a medallion of sorts out of the medal he had begrudgingly received from the Admiralty board, following the battle of Tau-44. The scars he got from that scrap while on the bridge of the Phobos were souvenir enough".
There - I hope it helps you a little. Please don't feel discouraged or whatnot. These are humble tips from one amateur writer to another
(06-14-2019, 12:25 PM)Sombra Hookier Wrote: If everyone was a bit more like Lanakov, the entire world would be more positive. Including pregnancy tests.
