Elena was aware of the way she had started to breath faster and faster over the last minutes, too, and thusly covered her mouth by both her tingling hands to keep her from hyperventilating too badly. Trying to gulp in consistent amounts of air without gasping, she lied there on the sofa, riven by an exotic cocktail of emotions she had mixed for herself.
There was the fear, making her shiver and shudder. She would have loved nothing better than leaving and running away, as far away from this godforsaken place as possible, away from this chaos she felt. Then there was the deep-seated despair, telling her that this would not make anything better and that, at the end of the day, she was utterly trapped. And the anger. For not being able to cope with it, and lastly for it itself.
To the outside, it seemed as though she was just continuing to sob her tears away though, sunk in the sofa and doing everything to control her breathing. “People have told me that so often, Jesus Christ,” she spat out through her teeth, her voice sounding dull. When the tears finally became lesser and lesser, she choked back the last ones with a heavy gulp and looked up into his eyes reluctantly. She didn’t want to learn from it, all she wanted was to forget it and leave it be. Slowly it dawned on her: she had never wanted to face up to it fully, and had instead gone for locking it away somewhere in the deepest mists of her mind.
Her body language however didn’t at all speak of “not-being-ashamed”. By no means was it a penetrating glance she threw at him, but more of a uncertain peek at how her consultant had reacted. She dreaded any sort of judgements done from his side, spoken or unspoken as they were, however she dissembled that fear as best as she could. Her glance made it all to clear she was ashamed, though she attempted to masquerade it via her tensed facial play.
Then it came bursting out of her, like a turbulent flow the words streamed out of her mouth. “I don’t want to ‘learn from it’! Jeez, I want to forget it! Get rid of it, I want to make it, make it unhappen! But out of everything, I just want those memories to finally fuck off and vanish."
