*As Elena switches the log on and the camera begins to focus, she can be seen as she sits on her usual relaxing location - her white couch, her legs tucked up on top of it. She is wearing a rather comfortable white T-shirt and sweatpants, obviously she made it herself as comfortable as possible. There is nothing even close to her that could be interpreted as alcohol, and instead of swinging a cup of coffee in her hand, she wrings her hands somewhat tensely, but definitely not as though she was feeling Death creeping up behind her. Her haircolour, judging from colour depth, has to be pretty fresh. All in all, despite her keeping a very, almost overly neutral countenance on her face that doesn't offer a hint about what she is thinking as she stares in the camera, she looks a lot healthier than last time she has put her face before the camera. The sickly paleness she had had on her skin, as if she had put too much make-up on it, was completely gone and had made place for her typical, though still pale skin colour again. Laying the TV remote aside, she takes a deep breath and shoots a toothy smile towards the camera.*
Hello there! Remember me? It's me again. *Her smile grows continuosly wider as she speaks.* Hell, I've got to tell you, it feels like it has been an eternity. And since I've looked into my past recordings a bit only a few minutes ago, I can actually tell that it has been a god-awful long time. More than three months, if I have counted it correctly. It really didn't feel like it's been so much time since I've last opened up this log. To be honest, I can't even clearly remember anymore why I have stopped with it at some point suddenly. I've got a bad notion about why I've done it, though. But generally there's been far too much happening lately that I could clearly remember. *She sighs quietly.* Matter of factly, if I recall what happened, it wasn't much that happened to me, actually. Or at least it might look like that from the outside. But in fact, a lot has happened. Even if a lot means mainly lounging on the couch and doing nothing. Because there can still happen a lot even if you lounge on a couch. But before I forget it, and I swear it would've almost happened that I forgot:
Happy New Year.
*As she bursts out into a little laughter, she claps her hands once.* Okay, good that this is over now. To be honest, I didn't celebrate this New Year's Eve at all. I usually do, but this time it somehow just ran past me without me even noticing. Even took me a few days to realize a new year had started. Oh well, anyways. I'm kinda running off at the mouth. Though I gotta say, it feels weird, to stare into a camera and talk to oneself or to the camera. I never really realized how weird that actually is. Looking back now, I should've known well enough that something wasn't alright with me.
*She looks down at her lap for a second as she begins to wring her hands again. A single strand of hair falls into her face, with one hand she pulls it back behind her ear again.*
Before I start with anything here, I perhaps should get one thing straight. No matter what I'm about to say now, I swear I won't burst out into tears this time. You don't believe me? Man, I had several months to let all of them run free down my cheeks, at some point there are just none left anymore. If I remember correctly, I've hit that point somewhen in the middle of December; I mean the point when I wasn't physically able anymore to shed any amount of tears, even if I wished. And believe me, I've never wished to shed any at all. Now, either I could go on rambling and rambling and rambling and come to the point approximately thirty minutes later, or I keep a very, very long and frustrating and nerve-stretching story as short as I can. Since I doubt you, dear log, want to hear much of it - see, I'm already talking like I was talking to somebody again. How crazy actually am I? Anyway, since you don't want to hear much of it, I assume, and since I want anything but dwell on it too much, I'll keep it short. Ain't gonna give a promise, because I've got the slight suspicion I wouldn't be able to keep that one, even if I tried.
Before anything else, let me tell you: I'm over it. Okay?! *She raises her eyebrows.* I'm bloody-well over it. Over everything. Okay, this might be a tiny lie, but at least it's only a tiny one, right? What I wanna say is: I've spent those three months in a good way, by which I mean I've coped with it. The accident, I mean. Yeah, exactly that accident. *She purses her lips for a tiny moment.* As I said, I won't get deeply into it this time. I've gotten all the more deeply into it the last few times, from what I've seen while I skimmed through the last logs. It already got me back into exactly what I felt back then. Which isn't a good sign. I'm just so glad the nightmares and all that bad stuff has gone by now. *She pauses.* Okay, they haven't vanished completely, but at least considerably. At times I've still got a bad dream about it, and then I wake up dripping with sweat like I've seen a ghost, but that's about it. I can go to sleep again without having to be constantly afraid of those dreams I had a while ago. And the most important thing: the images are gone too. I mean those images that have been welling up before my eye every now and then during daytime. That really was the worst of it all. The absolute worst. And it's gone now. Don't ask me how or why, it's not like I've done a special traumatic therapy to deal with those bits of memory. But they became less and less over time, somehow. To be honest, I could've never imagined they would ever do that. I can still remember how I was absolutely sure it was only getting worse for me. In some sense, I was right about it. But maybe I should have listened to all those people who constantly told me: *She imitates somebody with a lower-pitched voice.* "Just give it some time". I thought that to be bullshit back then. Some stereotypcal crap they tell you when they don't know anything else to say. But even though they probably didn't know anything else to say to it, they were kinda right about it. Hell, I wouldn't have known either what to say to myself back then.
However, speaking of therapies and the like...
You know this line that goes like "the night before dawn is the darkest"? Very romantic, I know, and somewhat cheesy if you ask me. And a year ago I would have also said this line is absolute garbage. That you can't be oh-so-sure about whether after the darkest times of night comes a dawn. There could also be death. Or even more darkness. You get what I'm saying? It's one of those things people say to cheer others up, but essentially it's non-sensical at best. Well, gues what. I've never thought I'd say that, but even this line has some truth.
There's that one thing I'd like to mention, one I don't like to talk about, but I feel like I should get it off my chest finally, because as far as I can remember I haven't told anybody so far about it. For the better, because it's nothing you'd like to tell people. *She fiddles about with her hair more nervously than before.* Or would you dare to tell anybody that you've actually, and God I hate to say that out loud, that you've actually attempted to kill yourself? *A short pause, than another handclap.* Well, so there's that. Yeah, I tried it. I still don't understand why I've even been so ignorant to try it, but it's the truth: I've attempted suicide. Neither can I remember what actually had happened beforehand ... just that I had the worst time of my life, apparently, and that it was as bad that I tried to end it in the dumbest way ever. You can call it luck ... or bad luck, however you wanna see it that I'm still here, amongst the living. Under usual circumstances, I'd be dead. Because it's not like I tried to hang myself or something. That would've been even dumber, because I know for a fact that that doesn't work most of the time. I actually tried to shoot a bullet into my brain.
It really is hurtful to say out loud, but... *she points at a little KSR droid in the back of her room, apparently recharging.* That little guy actually saved my life. How, you wanna know? Well ... you see, that droid is a nuisance. And when I had some of my worse days during those last few months, I wasn't holding back with my gun either when he got on my nerves too much. I've missed him most of the times, though, that's why he's still working. More or less working. In anyway, it was pure luck that I hadn't realized I had used up my magazine on this droid when I put the gun against my head. It made click and nothing happened. I can't remember much of the rest, only the morning after that.
That's when I realized solemnly I needed help, as in professional help, or else I'd probably be dead in a couple of weeks. Because if I knew one thing back then, then that I wouldn't have the luck of an empty magazine the next time I had a really bad time again. So I went and searched for some help. And found that. A person called John Henry Holliday. Looking back, I really can't say for sure what kind of doctor he actually is ... at least he didn't make the impression of a professional psychotherapist to me, but honestly it didn't matter. Perhaps it was just the placebo, or the fact that he didn't seem to have a clean slate either when I met him on his estate. Yeah, he actually invited me onto his private estate. No clinics, no white rooms, no doctors in white clothes, thank God. That'd have been the last thing I'd have needed back then.
*She shakes her head again slowly, as if she is remembering parts of what had happened again. However, a smile steadily crawls upon her face. Tucking the legs a bit closer to the rest of her body, she faces the camera again.*
He helped me a lot. Not in the way you'd have probably imagined, though. I mean, yeah, we were sitting on couches and talking and so on and so forth, but honestly, that wasn't really what helped. In fact, I can remember how I went crazy once or twice during our talk. It felt like I had to pour salt into a wound when I talked with him about everything that happened to the baby. *She looks down and scratches her neck, straitened.* In the long run however, I'm pretty sure it was exactly the right thing to do, even though it did hurt, and even though I felt like I'd die from mental exhaustion once or twice during our time together on his estate. I'm actually still impressed over his guest-friendship. That he offered me to do that therapy on his own estate, which, I'm not kidding, was pretty luxurious as well. Not that I really cared about it back then, I was just happy it wasn't a bloody hospital he put me in.
Yeah, well in any way, we had a few talks, he introduced me to a few orphan children who were housed not far away from his estate. Probably, it was all part of his therapy plan, because believe me, it wasn't easy at all to look those children into their little eyes. Reminded me of so much stuff that had happened. I can't really remember whether I'd have almost bursted out into tears again, but I could imagine I did, judging by my mental state back then. But it was relieving at the same time. At some point, something inside me made click, so to say. Sounds dumb, I know, but I can't really describe it otherwise than to say it just "made click". Admittedly, I guess he had to hammer a lot of truths into my head, and I'm pretty sure that was neither easy nor fun for him.
Seriously now though, he's helped me a damn lot with everything. Gave me a few of life, well, how to call it, "little truths", if you wanna call it that way. Above all that you can't forget, no matter how much you try to achieve that. I mean, look at me. I've literally spent up to three months trying to forget, and you know exactly how it all turned out that way. Alcohol, nightmares, break-ups, and not to forget that pistol against my head. Yeah.
*She sits up a little more straight on the couch and looks straight into the camera with a well-nigh blank stare, as if she was at a lack of words all of a sudden. Licking her lips, her gaze wanders around, but catches the camera again finally.*
I wouldn't say I've already drawn a line under everything, that would probably be far too early to state, but it feels like I'm on a good way. It's a lot better bearable by now, if anything. Seriously, I can call myself glad when all these disasters ... yes, I'm not only talking about the baby ... aren't pestering me the whole time. That's already something. Something you can build up on, I try to think. Might need some time, as people used to tell me over and over again. But at least I've finally, kinda realized that the can't be changed. I still wished it could be, but all we can do is make the best out of what you still got, right? Right.
*She halts for a second as she pulls another strand that had fallen in her face back. Her glance wanders down.*
Maybe I should note that John called once or twice the last few weeks. Yeah, he did that, after everything that happened. I'm still not sure if I shall find it something like "cute" or better "obnoxious". Like, he just asked me how I am. Isn't he really able to guess that by himself, goddammit? I honestly can't believe that, for that you'd need to have an extra dumbness that he doesn't happen to have. Perhaps it's some sort of remorse, come to think of it. I mean, look at it, if I remember everything correctly he pretty much left me all alone after what happened at the hospital. Even if he wasn't able to do anything else because of his, you know, "state of mind" or whatever, he could've at least tried to help me out just a little. I'd have really appreciated that.
It's been some time since we've had contact, it pretty much died off after I clarified that I'm fine. See what I'm talking about? *With a lower voice.* Hey, I just quickly wanted to check by, wanted to know if you're alright. You are? Fine, alright, bye. *With her usual tone of voice again.* But what am I complaining? When I think of it, actually I wouldn't have wanted anything else of him, so actually I'm fine about it.
Alright, in anyway, I've got a few things I should try to get into again. It's been an awful lot of time since I've flown around the last time. With which I mean -really- flown around, not just checking by briefly to make sure everything is still the way I remember it before everything went complete downhill. I've got the bad feeling there isn't much the same way anymore, to be honest, but I'll have to lump it and make the best out of it, once again, I guess. I've seen some really weird comm signals on the Neural Net yesterday or so, concerning the current Core Guildmistress. Apparently she got captured. For my part, I couldn't care less. A kidnapped infectee is a good infectee, right? But she sent an emergency signal coming from Coronado, not far away from Glendalough. Which means she is, like what, right next door? The emergency message says something about Silverstone, which is even weirder. Maybe I'll manage to get myself a little more informed on what the hell is actually going on there, or rather here, for real.
Also, there are a ton of people I would wanna talk to right now, but in fact, I don't really know about what. Just about everything, probably, to get it over with, I guess. Like with Ezrael. I remember he offered me a talk when I wanted to talk, with some apples and cartoons and whatnot. Maybe it's time to bring that up again at some point.
Jesus, I swear it's become really weird to just keep on talking and talking to a freaking camera. Feels so asocial, in a weird kind of way.
*Blinkingly she reaches for the off-switch button and deactivates the log.*
