Letters never sent - Personal diary of Kaori Yamamoto

[Kiith]

Welcome back, K.Y.!
Entry number: 3

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13.01.825 A.S.

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Dear Heiji,

remember when I wrote you that it was all over? That I left it all behind?
I am sorry I lied to you like this. But I do not think it will ever be over. And I will never be able to escape this path.

Today they came, two men in uniform. I do not think I have ever seen them before, but I did not focus on their faces anyway. All that drew my attention were the insignia on their jackets. The fleet, the military, I was done with all that! And yet there they were, looking for me.

I could only stand there, like in shock, as they were handing me some documents and trying to explain something to me. I do not think I got the half of it, but of what importance might it have been anyway? I already had had a guess what this was about, and the things they gave to me made everything painfully clear.

The first thing was my letter of resignation along with my request to be discharged immediately. The way it looked I doubt anyone has read through it. The attached note stating that, sadly, wishes could not be considered at the moment was really the only thing implying that anyone had even seen it. Due to the unprecedented overall situation and the already thinly spread corps of senior officers loyal to the cause it is at the time impossible to do without your services, it said. What a joke. What services even? Since my appointment we have not achieved anything.
I have not achieved anything.

I did not receive the post because I deserved it, or because my capabilities were so important to further strength of the imperial fleet. I got it because there was barely anyone left to fill up the ranks. And probably in part just for Minako to make a point. A symbolic move to further this woman's weird, progressive agenda, nothing more. I never thought I deserved this in the first place, so why do I deserve to be stuck in this forever?

The other thing they gave me were standing orders. Going by these I am to report back to fleet command aboard Nagasaki and be part of the liaison group which is supposed to help keep coordinate between the imperial and republican forces and keep things together while the diplomats to their diplomacy. It does not say anything about the future here, but I can only imagine that if they can actually seal a lasting reunification they will also want to get as many of our officers into the upper echelons of the naval forces to represent conservative and imperial interests. Which just makes it ever so clear how I am trapped in this.

Heiji, I do not know what to do anymore. It says that I have four days to make my arrangements and report back to the fleet. Otherwise, I suppose, they will come back again – and not just talk anymore. With this end to the war that is a victory to noone it already all fell apart for me. Everything I had left to aim for in my life is gone, but at least I thought I would be free. Free to cease being a warrior and perhaps become a human again. But it just does not let me go. Instead, they want me to stand for something I simply cannot. How am I supposed to find my peace, to perhaps one day forgive, when I have to stand by the people I have fought years upon years? When I am reminded of the gravest of betrayals? The betrayal that exiled us all, that killed and harmed so many. The betrayal that took you from me.

Four days is what I have left to sort this out, but I do not think I can. I hoped this could at least be over now. Yet it has become apparant that as long as I live it never will be.

Thinking about how to be with you again
Kaori

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Squished bigly ~Champ - Thanks, you're a champ.
"What's the word for when it feels inside your heart that everything in the world is all right?"