They remained in their pose for a while, the girl standing up straight and Elena kneeling and hunched to provide the little child with a shoulder to cry her tears on. She as well fought with tears, but managed to choke them back for the time being – even though it might have been more ridding for her to chime in to the weeping. But what would that help right now anyways? It was obvious that this girl had gone through a lot, far too much for a child like her. While Elena herself had gone through a lot just as much, she was a woman grown, and it was her part now to comfort instead of cry. A role she reluctantly began to grow into, although it hurt. She would have never expected that a child’s weep could be so blood-curdling, the recurring sobs and the panting for air afterwards went right through her. Keeping the girl in a close hug, tighter and tighter as the sobbing went on, Elena gazed into the distance, without looking at something specifically. She was as though petrified of the situation she was in. The way the girl cried her lungs out reminded her of the worst of nightmares she had had in the more recent past. Weeping children had filled and were still filling those kind of dreams. And now she was in one of them again. Like a dream come true, in a grotesque sense.
“Why can’t they come back?” the girl cried out loud, although it sounded muffled by the way she pressed her face onto Elena’s shoulder. More of a question addressed to the world than to Elena. She could not help but turn her head onto the other side, to look away from the child. It were exactly those questions she had asked herself far too often already. Closing her eyes, she tried to compose herself, but as she opened them again, the tears came crushing down her cheeks. She would not make the impression of a whimperer to this girl though, she told herself.
In a way she felt absolutely helpless in that situation. Not only because of her own troubles, but because she neither knew what to tell this little girl. She did not have the answers either. “I know, it must be hard for you,” she said, voice strained to prevent any hiccup. It was the only thing to say she could think of, but nonetheless it sounded inappropriate.
For a while the girl just kept on shedding tears and wetting Elena’s shoulders, but she let her, just as she let her own tears drop down. In the meantime, she let herself get carried away by her own thoughts again while absentmindedly stroking over the girl’s head of hair. Memories began to force themselves upon her anew. Memories of hours upon hours of self-loathing, crying her lungs out herself, and last but not least of her shameful attempt to end the misery. For a moment she choked upon her lump.
Then she heard the girl’s voice again. It cut through her thoughts like a sharpened sword once again. “It’s all my fault.” I
It roughly jolted Elena out of her thoughts at an instant. No, that was no true, she thought. Wiping away her own tears for a moment, she retracted her head to look the girl straight into the eyes. The eye contact felt incredibly hurtful, like a shot fired into her stomach, but she kept it. Right now, she did not care about her own reddened eyes either. “Listen,” she began. The girl was reluctant, but finally looked at her, although still under tears. While keeping one hand on the girl’s shoulder, with the other she dabbed off these tears. “I know exactly how you feel, it’s terrible and you don’t know what’s going on and you don’t know where to go either.” She choked, but went on. “But no matter what happened, it is not your fault, alright? Never even think about that again, do you understand me? It was not your fault.” It was almost an imploring look she gave the girl.
The girl kept quiet.
“You’re not alone,” Elena said. “Even though you might feel that way.” At least that is how she had been feeling most of the time. It felt queer to say it. She did not truly believe in what she had said either, but something made her say it nonetheless. Maybe something inside her that was a lot wiser and more prudent than she had suspected. Managing to somehow keep her countenance, she began to rummage around in the pockets of her jacket, until she found something. She offered it to the girl. “Here. Take this. As a reminder of what I told you, alright?”
Once again reluctantly, the girl took the blue flower, looked at it, sniffed at it. The tears had become less and less by now. She gave a single nod, pressing the flower against her little chest.
Slowly Elena stood up, which felt quite exhausting to her surprise. She again tousled through the girl’s hair, while showing a little smile on her own face. She felt weird, more or less speechless. Her thoughts were in turmoil, but not at all violent or tumultuous. More like she was not far away from coming to realize something anymore.
While the girl did as she was told, wiping away the rest of her tears and searching for others to play with, Elena too went on a search, however for Doc. She had lost track of him long ago, it seemed.
