Feedback Needed-Lifespan Deathwatch

[Damien McEwan]

Thanks Mr. F...This is the kind of thing I need

[*]A few hooks were a bit drab, for example:

Jaina woke up in the middle of the night, crying.

'Tis in this case where a little flair would make the hook have more power:

Sobbing sounds filled the night as Jaina suddenly woke up in tears.

In regards to the drab lines peppered around. I agree, & I do tend to fix a things like that after re-reads when I catch them.

(I do alot of post-editing. Not just for grammatical mistakes, but I'll delete, add or do minor restructures in the spirit of improving the tempo & cadence of the posts.)

[*]In irony of the first and second points, some paragraphs are too short. For example:

A vague thoughtform popped into Jaina's mind, and for the briefest of moments. She imagined herself possibly moving to Cambridge and starting a family of her own someday.

It would've helped if after the second sentence, th'would've given a brief sentence on how that made the deary feel, because without the support of what the character felt about it, 'twould make the reader quickly dismiss it as a filler-sentence.

A vague thoughtform popped into Jaina's mind, and for the briefest of moments. She imagined herself possibly moving to Cambridge and starting a family of her own someday.

... Eh. Probably not, too much responsibility.

This is a big catch & I offer uber thank yous for pointing it out.

That mention was meant to be subtle, as it's related to something in the previous post & was intended as, not so much literal foreshadowing, but as something relevant I have in mind to expand on later...if it comes off as a filler, then I definitely need to figure out a fix.

I really appreciate the heads-up



* ::update - I took the time to snorfel over everything, and fixed some issues I overlooked...specifically the issue of the filler you pointed out to me and I added some context and detail...at the very least, what's in the posts now, better reflects the story in my head...thanks again!::

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