Audio-Diary of the spiritual Sun

[Dark_Knight]

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16. Prajñā

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If the hurt comes so will the happiness. Be patient.

So much has happened within the last week. A whirlwind of emotions to fight oneself over, other Buddhists would perhaps give up hope in themselves and others but I am stronger than that. There was a confrontation I had, with a Molly of which I was certain of my energy passing on. The situation was indeed tense and precarious but I believe my politeness and peaceful attitudes preventing my demise. Sometimes I want to cry silently to myself, shelter myself away from others and suffering. It's a notion that comes and goes, like waves on a great ocean of depression.

I have dropped my nomination for Freeport 11 administrator, it took me some time to finally commit to this. It seemed obvious at the time that I was the best suited individual, but that was my pride and soul getting in the way of the hard truths. I am not strong enough to handle the comings and goings within Delta. Life can sometimes feel unbearably serious, overwhelming, and urgent. Like it’s just one fire to put out after another. Melissa convinced me to support her nomination instead and looking back on it she has the military mind for the task. I am a peaceful soul, she wished to protect me from the stresses of that life.

I have felt my mind is not balanced recently, my relationship with Nataly has taken a strange and worrying turn. I am concerned for her and if she is continued to be hunted, or me. I was a target for a potential poisoning. A poisoning that was intended for me, I have little enemies and those who knew me in my past have not hunted me down. I'm unsure of who would hate me, Diana? She seems too innocent to try to hurt me and I would notice her immediately. Perhaps some agent of the Mollies but I left that conversation with good intentions, except I do have their device still. Franziska perhaps, I forgot about that mystery in handling Nataly and her needs. I don't know where to turn, I should press on in investigating as best as I can.

This is how all of us grow by doing. By allowing ourselves to be where we are until we learn to get beyond it. By learning from every struggle and setback. No one can jump from zero to a hundred. No one can wake up an expert on something new. I simply have to go through the process. I can use all my energy asking questions, doubting myself and judging myself. Or I can move forward, one tiny, imperfect step at a time. if I could, I’d spend forever floating in the mindstream of sparkling ideas instead of hopping my way through an obstacle course of problems, often feeling blinded.