Florian Schwarz was sweating bullets and it had nothing to do with his uniform being uncharacteristically buttoned all the way up. Breezewood's hospitality officer and third in command had messed up, messed up bigtime, and he knew it. As he walked the corridors to the Old Man's office, he mentally rehearsed some possible explanations that might get him off the hook with his job intact. All of them seem to come up short. He got to the Captain's door and reached for the button, but the doors slid open before he touched it. He was expected, and he was being watched.
He closed his eyes, straightened his back, and slid back into the firm, disciplined Rheinlandic posture he had tried so hard to leave behind. "Heel clicking" Kendra always called it. Oh, he might rival Seabourne's easygoing smile with the passengers, but when people are in deep trouble they always revert to what had worked on their parents, and Florian's parents were proud Rheinlanders in every sense of the word.
"Enter," said a voice. He did so.
Seabourne was behind his desk, looking every inch the stern disciplinarian that he was most certainly not 99% of the time. The Captain much preferred the rum to the other two ancient maritime traditions, but would turn on a dime if something threatened his ship. An ancient Earth philosopher had once suggested that it was better to be feared than loved. Seabourne had read past that to the part where he recommended a good leader be both.
Standing next to him was First Officer Oldham, because of course Kendra wouldn't miss this for the world. She took to the formal look of a disciplinary hearing far better than the two gentlemen in the room. Her eyes were focused but her mouth betrayed a small smile. Florian hoped it was a good sign: Kendra loved seeing things backfire against her suitemate and fellow officer, but she wasn't cruel. If she's enjoying this, thought Florian, it means she thinks this will all turn out all right... eventually.
"Have a seat, Mr. Schwarz," said the Captain. Florian did so, Oldham remained standing. Just as Florian somehow made the casual way he left his uniform unbuttoned seem more formal, Kendra seemed most at ease while standing at her best impression of parade rest. "I need you to explain why you thought this," he indicated the papers on his desk, "was a good idea."
Florian gulped. Real paper. They printed this out. All of Breezewood's records were digital. The captain only kept a physical copy of the red letter days, for good or for bad.
The Rheinlander inhaled. "Are you familiar with the old Earth holiday of Easter, Captain?" "I daresay I am now." A weak smile snuck its way past Florian's lips. The Captain was angry, but the humor was a good sign. "One of the Terran religions believed that their god descended to Earth as a man, was killed, and was reborn. Easter was a celebration of that rebirth, tied into several pre-existing Spring celebrations of rebirth and fertility and the like."
"How does a god die?" interrupted Kendra. "Excuse me?" replied Florian. "It's a god, what do you mean it died and was reborn?" "I believe he was executed by nailing him to a tree." "They executed a god?" said Seabourne. "For what? Unpaid parking tickets?" "I don't know the theology of it all," said Florian, "I'm not a priest." The other officers snorted at that, and Florian permitted himself another small smile. "The point is, that over the centuries several other traditions got mixed in with the Easter ones. It was quite a big deal in the cultures that made up the Alliance. Well, except for Kusari's ancestors, but they're always the odd ones out."
"So a god comes knocking, and humans reply by nailing it to a tree but it comes back," said Seabourne. "Why is Breezewood now a flying menagerie that smells like a Baden Baden hot spring?" "Ah, yes, well, one of the traditions of Easter is an egg hunt." "Egg hunt?" "Yes, the egg is a symbol of rebirth or spring or something like that. So you take a bunch of eggs, color them pretty pastel colors, and then hide them for children to find." "So where did things go wrong?" "I... seem to be better at hiding eggs than small children are at finding them."
"To his credit," said Kendra, "he did a marvelous job investing those kids into participating in an ancient Earth ritual. They were desperate to find them. The puppet show was a nice touch." "Alright," said Seabourne, "so that explains the dozens of disappointed and crying children. What happened to the eggs?" "Ah, well, we hid 5000 of them and the kids found a little over... 150." "And the rest?" "Well, I felt the crew needed more motivation to spend their off hours hiding eggs, so we had a bit of a party while doing it and..." "And you have no idea where you hid them?" "Yes sir."
Kendra chimed in. "We've found a few dozen in the electrical access corridors, so the crew must have used their key cards to stash them in non-public places too. I would also like to point out that traditionally on Earth the eggs were hard boiled or had their contents removed, Florian. They were not colored and hidden raw." "That... was an oversight on my part," said Florian. "All right," said Seabourne, "so that explains the smell, what about the vermin?"
"Ah, right, well Easter tradition has that a rabbit hides the eggs for the children to find." "A rabbit?" "Yes sir." "Like, the fluffy big eared creature?" "Yes sir." "...they're mammals, aren't they?" "Yes sir." "Are they... what's the word, platypus and echidna things?" "Monotremes?" suggested Kendra. "Bingo! Yes! Are they mono-thingies? Egg layers?" "No sir." "So... where did a bunny get the eggs?" "Unclear, sir, but the literature is quite vocal on it all. Easter is represented by bunnies." "With eggs." "Yes sir. I believe it has to do with the fertility rituals that got absorbed by the holiday." Seabourne's eyes narrowed. "How many bunnies did you bring aboard?" "500 sir, one for each child." "And where are these 500 now?"
Florian breathed in, "When the egg-hunt went... pear shaped, the children got impatient. Eggs were thrown, the bunny coral became compromised and the rabbits made a break for it. Apparently they're burrowing creatures." "Apparently. And where are these 500 rabbits now?" "It took some wrangling, but we managed to account for all 500 of them." "All 500?" "Yes sir." "You're sure?" "Counted them myself, sir. They're quite docile when scared." "Well then," said Seabourne, "care to explain this?"
The captain opened a drawer and extracted a small brown rabbit. He dropped it on the desk. The creature kept perfectly still aside from its short, rapid breaths. Seabourne raised an eyebrow at Florian. Florian sank a few inches into his chair. Kendra stifled a laugh. The rabbit pooped. "I may be rusty with my old Earth traditions," said Seabourne, "but I believe the proper phrase for pulling a rabbit out of one's hat is 'tah-dah'."
Florian sighed. "Rabits are known to breed rather quickly and frequently. They breed like, well, like rabbits." "Some of them must have been pregnant when we brought them aboard," said Kendra. "And, as adorable as they are, they're chewing the wiring. We've found three of them electrocuted to a crisp. If they get into a critical system, they could cause a short at an inopportune time." "Solutions?" asked Seabourne.
Florian perked up. Blame looks to the past, the future was a much more comfortable place. "Ah, well, I'm sure Kendra could isolate and vent each compartment in turn. We'll just have to then find the bodies since obviously nothing else is going to come along and eat them." "I agree with the plan except for the choice of pronoun, Mr. Schwarz," said Seabourne. "Sir?"
"We are not going to find the bodies," said the Captain, his signature smile taking on just a hint of something darker. "You are. As of this moment, you're relieve of every duty other than bunny mortician. Kendra will tell you which compartments are ready for inspection. While you're at it, clean up any eggs you find." Florian considered this turn of events for a moment, and realized he wasn't being fired or demoted, just being given the chance to make things right, albeit in an incredibly unpleasant fashion. "Yes sir." "You're dismissed, Florian, good hunting."
The Rheinlander got up and walked to the door. "Florian," said Seabourne. "Yes?" "You're forgetting something." Schwarz turned around and saw the captain pointing at the rabbit on his desk.
