TO: New Pineal Amulet Owners | FROM: Jonathan Seabourne

[Jonathan Seabourne]

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☆ From: Jonathan.Seabourne23@libertyonline.com

☆ To: All New Pineal Amulet Owners

☆ Subject: Congratulations On Your New Purchase!

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Kallisti!

With the rising popularity of Pineal Amulets in the sector, I wanted to take the opportunity to enlighten the masses on how they might enlighten their mass! Though sadly not how to lighten their mass, you need to look in another section of the bookstore for help there.

You probably have many questions like, "who are you?" "how did you get my comm address?" "why is this email just a scan of a crudely written letter on the back of a synth paste label?" The answer to all of these is: Congratulations! For you have taken the first of what will be many contradictory and intermittent stumbles on the pothole-riddled road to personal enlightenment! Like personal hygiene, personal enlightenment is not really something you ever achieve, per se, but you certainly know when it's lacking.

Pineal amulets are used to help focus the mind by helping to unfocus the brain. Sometimes you need to step back from the assorted window panes we view reality through to see the lines we've drawn on them. We draw those lines to help partition the unfathomable depths of reality into neat little boxes that our oh so mushy monkey brains can comprehend. If you've gone full cabbage (or, goddess save you, all the way to greyface) you might think the lines ARE the reality, and might miss out on all the interesting things your neighbors across the road are up to while amusing yourself with a permanent marker. Mind you, there is a lot of entertainment to be gained by sniffing markers, but there is oh so much more to the world. Especially if the neighbors are canoodling in the pool again.

If yours is a genuine TAZ Pineal amulet from Shasta, it is likely made from a shard of the Goddess Geode. A planetary impossibility that flies in the face of all known science, the planet is crystalline and mostly hollow. However, just because something can't exist doesn't mean it doesn't exist, and for centuries Discordians have been drawn to its chaotic impossibility. Carrying a shard of it is a nice reminder that no matter how much we learn, we will always know little and understand less. Plus, it's a really pretty purple. If yours is NOT a genuine TAZ Pineal Amulet from Shasta, fear not! Odds are you still probably bought it from a TAZ, or from someone pretending to be a TAZ, which is basically the same thing. If it's any consolation, he probably charged you significantly less for the forgery and was probably significantly better dressed and better smelling than the real deal.

In any event, now that you have your pretty crystal on a string, what do you actually do with it? Simple, you ponder, think, wonder, and wander. Stare into the crystal, through the crystal, at the crystal, with the crystal, and any other grammatically appropriate preposition that tickles your fancy. Much as the snake unhinges its jaw to consume things larger than its head, you must unhinge your mind to consume truths larger than yourself. Various hallucinogenic substances are helpful, but not required. They are like lube.

Be sure to water, feed, and take your amulet out for frequent walks. Play is also advised as they can get quite lonely. Keep it close to the skin so that your oils can get it dirty, giving you an excuse to clean it and talk about it in strange bars on mysterious stations. Do not eat the amulet. There is a lot of daylight between that which is edible and that which is eatable, and the amulet is on the wrong side of the line. If it begins to smoke, seek shelter and cover head. When not in use, keep it refrigerated. If you cannot refrigerate the amulet, then at least frigerate it. You may prefrigerate ahead of time if you know you're going to be out and about with thing. Do NOT taunt the amulet.

And that's all you need to know to get started with your wonderful pineal amulet. Congratulations again on your purchase, and may your borogoves be ever mimsy!

Sincerely,
Jonathan (Pope, OS&C Persona Non Grata, Other Titles???)

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