Snail Mail

[Jonathan Seabourne]

"This isn't the first time our stores have been infested."

"Likely won't be the last, sir."

"We can't give this to the people of Metz."

"Right you are, sir, no idea how this could have happened."

"There are snails in the rations! Snails! I don't care how badly you're starving, things should never come to that. How the hell did they get aboard?"

"Halifax is a freelancer base in the middle of a toxic waste cloud, sir. Cleanliness of the escargot is not their top priority."

"Have we checked cargoes A-R?"

"We only have the one cargo bay, sir."

"I could have sworn we had more."

"We sold the last of the partitions for novelty kazoos when we were in Baffin, sir."

"Ah, yes, right, well the food is ruined. Do we at least have some drink for those poor souls?"

"Wine, sir, well beyond the expiration date it seems."

"By the goddess, this stuff predates the war! We'll need to scrounge up a box or two of some fresh wine. If we show up with bottles instead of boxes, people will think we're cutting corners."

"Right you are, sir."

"Well, what about the protein options?"

"Frog legs, sir."

"We're giving frogs to frogs? A bit cannibalistic, don't you think?"

"Amphibians are very protein dense, sir."

"Toads are for licking, not for eating."

"Toads aren't frogs, sir."

"So the crewmen who've been licking these things for an hour..."

"Have been wasting their time, sir. Wouldn't be the first time, won't be the last."

"And yet some of them might be charitably described as tripping balls, or at least stumbling spheres."

"Any psychedelic effect would likely be a combination of placebo effect, mass hysteria, and the general patina of smoke and resin that coats most of the ship."

"Still, frogs for frogs, quite the coincidence."

"I was wondering if you knew anything about the pamphlets and wrappers, sir. I don't speak much Gallic, but there are several words I recognize, most of which would be spelled with four letters in the translation, sir."

"What? You must be mistaken. All I see are descriptions of holy buildings and relics. Must be some kind of religious pamphlet. We should see who does their printing, these are much nicer than ours."

"Seems the Gallic Navy has been giving other shippers a hard time over it, sir."

"It's not the first time the Gallic Navy has been on my case for smuggling in foodstuffs to one of their planets. This time, I do hope it is the last."

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Orbital Spa and Cruise

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