I have received my first work assignment. I can't say I'm terribly pleased but I am in prison and there aren't a lot of choices here. I submitted forms explaining I would prefer to have a prole do the work but I was informed that I would have the kitchen or the prison library. Based on my almost complete ignorance of what happens in both of these places, I felt that my time would be better served combing my moustache which is coming along quite well and is as thick as a rhododendron bush. Well the guards were none too pleased, so I am reduced to peeling potatoes and preparing tonight's menu. Memo to self: request a nice Claret from the Commanding Officer.
Doherty told me he was on "turd patrol" until further notice and that he didn't like it one bit and that he thought someone was "taking the mick". He claims to have a "manfred mann" to escape but it's a bit "mariah carey" and asked if I had the "market stalls" to fake a "metal mickey" on the "merhant navy." I haven't the slightest notion what he was talking about.
I tried nicely to explain to him that hearing such drivel was the aural equivalent of brushing one's teeth with a double-sided toilet brush and that dealing with him on a daily basis might compel one to homocidal thoughts.
He replied he thought I was handsome in a rough way but that I failed to meet the standard of his preferences when it comes to enforced copulation and that he would prefer a go on an elephant sooner than me were both our lives to depend upon it.
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