Caught Between Two Worlds

[Fiorella de Marco]

The pain went through her whole being. But who was she now, what was she now? She couldn ot describe what exactly hurt, did it even exist? If it did not exist, could the pain even be real? At the moment she seemed to be both - she was here, but also not. But why was it familiar to her?

The pain brought with it confusion to her universe. She saw colors, shapes. Lights surrounded by veils. Gone was the calm and peace. Gone was the immutability, the beautiful infinity. But did it have colour before? A shape? She could not remember. But she should remember - infinity has all colours and shapes. Why could she not remember? Is her memory that bad?

She gave the question only a brief moment, not really thinking about it. It just came to her mind, to her tongue. How could her memory be so bad? Oh yes, if the present became the past, she would just remember the past. It is no longer the present, after all. She can not go through the same moment twice - why not? After all, it is logical to conclude that if the universe is infinite, there are infinitely many moments like this. Infinitely many configurations are this. But her mind - her memory - cannot remember. She can not go back twice to that moment. She is limited by her own perspective. Memory is her only tool to go back multiple times to the same place and time, and she would like to rely on her own memory. She was sure her universe was infinitely vast and peaceful before, yet she has no memory of it.

The perception of infinity still existed in her own being, but her memory could not give her a satisfactory answer. The sensation was fading, she could feel it, and there seemed nothing she could do about it. Restlessness spread through her whole being. Fear? Uncertainty? New sensations alongside pain and euphoria. It was a feeling of inevitability, of helplessness - panic? She wanted to do something, to reverse it somehow, but how?

All these new sensations, new feelings, it was so confusing, disordered, imperfect. She did not like it, it was disturbing. Was it possible to banish them from her mind, from her own being? She knew she had to do something fast - the stirrings were spreading through her whole being and it was becoming unbearable. Contradictory. Infectious.

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Fiorella Arianna de Marco | As Dawn Mayflower
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