Brine

[Geno]

- - I - - FAILURE AFTER FAILURE THE RESULTS REFUSE TO ALTER AGAIN AND AGAIN MY FIRE BEGINS TO WAVER

My entire body was in shambles. I was in complete agony. Both within and without.

The long tube of synthosteel inside my leg hurt like the day when I lost it. I could feel it writing between my tendrils, operating through tiny tubes and pressurized mechanisms to keep me walking. The augs in my wrists felt like long nails were burrowed inside my arms, and stars almighty, the pain in my head made me feel like someone used a fire axe on my skull. And during instant I would spend looking at something bright such as a PDA device or a holoboard, I would immediately regret it. Not even the grace of my light-obscuring visor would save me. Every single piece of metal stuck in my flesh felt real. The anesthetics were somehow failing me. My tunnel vision was only getting worse.

Not even the time when I lost myself in the bowels of the Prophet hurt this much. It was a constant and slow suffering. Like a plague of some kind. One I've never felt under the pain inhibiting substances my augs would drug me with every day.

I felt tiny white stars of pain seared in the back of my eye sockets. An encroaching tunnel vision that threatened to make me tumble over the smallest iota of a loose board down the ramp of my Falchion.

Valravn's staff officers didn't bat an eye at my ID being flashed when they allowed me clearance to dock in the Citadel. And when they've read my vital signs remotely, I promptly refused their suggestion to make me report to medical for any checkups.

I'm strong. I can walk to my room on my own. And I certainly don't need your help.

I ventured down that blasted ramp after landing in the white docks. Every single step hurt like rubbing sandpaper on an exposed wound.

I don't need any help. I can get there myself.

The ramp closed behind me with metallic creaks and hissing. I didn't even bother taking off the new flight suit the armory gave me to leave it on the ship. It was hard to see past the darkened glass. My hands hurt. Every atom of my being was in pain. Adrenaline alone was gliding me along.

Stop looking at me. I'm limping because I'm a little hurt. Everyone gets hurt. It happens.

I was breathing heavily inside my helmet like I was low on oxygen. Some other Technocrats were concerned about a crazed limping pilot clutching his head with grunts like he was shot at seventeen times. I never felt so much paranoia and pain in my entire life.

QUIT LOOKING AT ME.

Not long after I made it past the vast docking hangar bays of white chrome and blue lights, I limped my way to the elevators, blindly shoving my card on the reader to get access to the upper levels where I belong.

Two other Technocrats were approaching me with a quickened pace.

Please don't talk to me.

There was no doubt these two were from the medical wing, the white labcoats with the purple cross insignia gave it away. One of them was a tall synth with an extremely thin metallic frame painted with some rather fancy shades of chrome and purple, a head resembling a highly digitalized and intelligent streetlamp of some kind. The machine carried some kind of pad in its right hand and hauled a white anti-grav stretcher that looked very comfortable with the other. Next to him, a woman in her thirties. Freckles, long red hair. Some kind of scanner lens on her right eye. Pretty and a little tomboyish, just like Aspen. She starts talking to me.

"Science Chief Officer Lazurith. Correct?"

"L-leave me alone, please."

"Is everything well? Your vitals are a little off, and we should run a check on you."

Stop. G-go away, please...

I punched the reader embedded in the lift with my hand. I wanted it to hurry up. I wanted to disappear behind the white doors. Away from everyone.

"Do not worry. This will take but a moment. Do you not feel like resting on a soft bed while we'll take good care of you?"

I want to sleep and never wake up.

"We need our brothers and sisters to stay in tip-top shape. You seem to be in a lot of pain, and we can h--"

HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO REPEAT MYSELF. I'M FINE.

"I'm going back to my quarters... it-- it's fine."

Kimiko gave me the gift of awareness.

She allowed me to see flame. Inside me, there is a small candle that burns in silence. It is very weak, and sensitive. The smallest brush of wind can hurt it. Sometimes it flickers quietly, and sometimes it roars in defiance while trying to resist the cold winds of everyone around me. So much negativity I need to shield my flame away from.

But it came at a cost. Complete and total awareness. Awareness of every fiber of my being, as well as awareness of the emotions that pervade others. They blow like cold mistral winds, and sometimes they blow like warm siroccos. It's a little scary. I feel like a windvane on a tall rooftop.

Every little bit of technology and synthetic materials embedded in my body are truly there. I cannot ignore them anymore. They're stuck in my mutilated flesh.

With a worried sigh, the woman turned her pretty face to the synth.

"Exo, please help me carry him. We'll take him to the emergency room in the clinic... something isn't right with his vitals. Have you experienced any problems with your augmentations lately?"

She turned her smooth face towards me.

"J-just... go away... I beg you."

My voice turned into a trembling whimper. I wanted to drop down, and collapse on my pillow.

"Please, Lazurith. We are trying to help you. We're here for you."

Her voice was so genuine and caring. She wanted me to be healthy. But I didn't have the time or energy to report about anything.

"I'll-- I'll check in tomorrow, doctor. I am very tired right now. Good day."

The lift arrived. I boarded it immediately, and left those two behind.

I felt so sorry on the ride to the upper levels. They were only trying to help. But what I truly needed was some good sleep. Maybe some drugs to help me alleviate the pain in my shoulders.

I clenched my hands until I felt the joints in my wrists hurt. I had to endure a little pain to go back home on my own.

My shambling continued across the large upper decks, past the crowds of synthos and humans and towering guards in white armour walk right past me. I pressed on, as I continued my way on the catwalk. I was so close to my bed. To my personal view of Elgin and the black city of Ismara from orbit.

The moment my door finally opened after resisting my attempts at reading my card, I made a small dash for the king-sized bed next to the wall in the room, and I crashed in its comfortable blue sheets, feeling the softness of the laundered fabric slowly consume me.

With a lot of effort, I managed to pull off the flight suit, taking off every piece and scattering it all around my bedroom. The helmet received the same treatment, as I tossed it off into a corner. It bounced off the floor with a clunk. I removed my gauntlets. The boots. And then stripped myself of everything else. All I wanted was the comfort of the bedsheets. Just like when I was still a Libertonian high schooler, coming back home after a tiring day of incessant studies and hard work and social interaction.

All I had left on me was my large tee that would go down to my thighs as well as my briefs. Just like in Freeport 14. It was liberating to wear so little for only eight or so hours a day. I glared at the dark grey ceiling, lined with tubes and steel pipes.

I took some time to talk to myself. To assess my situation.

This is all happening because I was manipulated by Kimiko.

But it is the gift of awareness. You know how much you suffer now.

I didn't need to know. This isn't making me stronger. It's only showing me how weak I am.

Is it not human nature to refute knowledge to hide away from the truth? To embrace ignorance? And the truth is that you're very hurt. The fire flickers.

I am hurting because of Levan and Becca and everything else that's sending my life into a one-way trip to hell. I couldn't care less on how much this "awakening" is damaging my body. I just want to be at peace.

Healthy body, healthy mind. The two are always interlinked. The winds are cold and strong here in Sirius. You'd do well to take care of yourself, little one.

I wish I was across this solar system right now talking sweet things to Levan, but that's not happening.

Tears began to dwell in my eyes.

He doesn't want to see me ever again. Every single joy in my life has to be raped and taken from me.

Even if you will lose everything and everyone you love, you will still have flame. As long as you treasure it like you would treasure yourself.

What is the point of treasuring myself if everyone will hurt me. So many people want me to die. I can't do this anymore.

Some tears began to rig my face.

Perseverance, little flame.

It's meaningless struggle. They want to extinguish my flame. Sometimes I wonder if I should just let them do it. Sometimes I wonder if I should have died in Alcatraz for going against Raven, I angered Hemlocke and he nearly killed us both, and Aspen too.

And now, Levan pushed me out of his life.
I should've never entered his life.
I shouldn't have never talked to Becca.
I should have just died in that cell.
I should have died.
I should have died.
I should have died.

The pain in my stomach increased as I clutched the pillow for comfort. But her voice continued to speak to me. With her gift inside me, my voice of reason sounded less like my own, and more like hers. Like a guiding mother cradling a teary child that hurt himself.

Perseverance. Do you not wish to persevere, little one?

I don't see the point anymore.

Fate is keeping you down. All of the naysayers, all of the negativity. They want to kill your fire.
Fate wants you to choke, but you can rebel against it. You can live as you please.
You can overcome it. You can mend yourself. You can burn in peace, free of any burdens.

...

All you need is a guiding hand, little one. All can be mended. All will be well.
Every piece of the jar can be glued back together. With time, and patience.
Come, little one. Sit on your crossed legs. Breathe in, and breathe out.

I stopped my tears from flowing, and I listened to my own reasoning. I closed my eyes, balancing my weight on my lower back equally to balance my sitting position on my dark blue sheets. I clutched my knees with my thin hands.

Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Touch the thoughts.
And let them go.
Let them float away on the waters.
Like fallen leaves on a pond's lake in autumn.
Let the pain go.
You are enduring a small phase.
Soon, you will feel better than ever before.
Touch the pain.
And let it go.
Like a paper boat in the ocean.

My eyes remained closed, as the confines of my room collapsed into the infinite expanse of space. So many stars around me, so many nameless nebulas. Burning suns without names or numbers.

There is no one who can hurt me out here.

And for the first time, I meditated.

It is only me, my candle and the stars.