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[MiniKitty]

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And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.

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No. No, thank you. I am still only eating Synth Paste. I only drink water. I do not want to promote your products, or join your groups or subscribe to your services and newsletters and what not. Yes, I have many followers on NNStaGram, but I am not an influencer. Just leave me alone, seriously.

I put the PDA away. These corpo people keep peestering me. I really do not like that part of being somewhat of a known person. Half of the messages I get on NNStaGram are like that.


One night, Monique grabbed my hand and told me to follow her. She lead me downstairs, then to the hallway, and from there to the lift. We take it to the highest story, then leave. At the end of the hallway was a room only the janitor was supposed to have the keys for. I have no idea how Mo got her own set of keys. When I asked, got her usualy response she gives whenever I ask about something that could have a hint of illegal activity.

Don't worry about it.

Her hand vanished in the pocket of her hot pants to produce a little key, and using that key, she revealed a little storage room. That room had a staircase leading right up to the roof of the apartment block building.

So, there we were. Rooftop. There were many buildings taller than this one, obviously, but the view from here was still better than from the balcony. To our left, the small city of David's Hollow. To our right, the barely touched nature. A river, a very sparse forest, mostly grasslands. A few smaller buildings here and there.

Monique had been up here a few times already, and it shows. A few blankets, loungers, a small fridge, a radio and a charging station. All just out in the open, since the local shield generator would always turn on when it rained.

The occasional hovercar, crew shuttle or snub would pass by and allow their passangers to watch us.


Tonight, Madeleine is with us up here. I sit on what could be described as a makeshift couch, Mo had her head on my thighs as we just exist up here. The radio plays the same lo-fi playlist over and over again. Monique looks up at the sky, and tells me about random things. Someone broke the glass table down in the den, so she bought a new one. I had given her a budget for that since I did not want to bother with these things myself.

Madeleine is on one of the loungers, smoking. She has that one funny Hello-Catari plushie in her lap. Mo bought it for her and she walks around with it all the time. Kind of funny, this adult woman psychologist keeping her plush at her side all the time. I once asked her about it, and she only responded with

Stuffed the smokes up its ass.

Not exactly up the rear, but at the back, where the plush has a little pocket.

How about ya take me into space?

Why?

Never been to space, kinda curious!

Honestly, space is overrated.

Why?

I... Uhm, it is kind of hard to explain. Apart from the obvious dangers of space, like, uhm, generally being surrounded by all kinds of things and people are just there to kill a human, there is just... uhm. You kind of lose something when you are out there for too long.

And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.

Uhm...

He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster.
And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.

Nietzsche. I was wondering why you are the way you are.
Seems to apply.

Really?

If I was as filthy rich as you are and had a gunboat,
I would not stick to Denver and instead go to Curacao.
Or explore space. Just be out there, in the unknown.
Instead, you are here, doing the most basic things.
It feels to me like you are empty, figuratively.

I am a simple boy, really.


Yet, Madeleine has this piercing gaze on me again. The cigarette has a long stick of ashes breaking off at a gust of wind. That stare. I do not know if she is aware of how intimidating it is. Probably is. Her orange-gradient hair is waving in the wind. Mo takes my hand from her belly and makes it vanish under her top, presenting a possible reward for taking her into space. I do not really pay attention to it.

Just wanna see space, really. There oughta be somethin' cool 'bout it.

Madeleine keeps staring at me.


It is cool. Do not get me wrong. Space is cool. I still love stargazing. It is just that... well, yeah. Madeleine is right. The more time you spend in space, the... more everything crumbles.


I look up in the night sky, trying to escape Madeleine's piercing gaze. Kind of worked.


Being out there breaks many illusions. I do not know what you think could be out there, but it is out there, beyond any imagination and comprehension. Monsters, both human and non-human.

Yet you have not fully given up on it.

Look, I am not much of a thinker. Going to space was a necessity for me. At first, I enjoyed it very much. Met cool people, like Aspen. And, uhm, Kristoff. But, uhm. I... there are things I regret having found about. Stuff that would make people more intelligent than me go insane. If I could rewind, I would.

Stuff that would make people more intelligent than you go insane, huh.

I know it sounds stupid, really. But yeah.

What about Aspen, then?

What about her?

Is she stupid or insane?

... Certainly not dumb. She has a doctor title. But, uhm. Good question, really.


There is no privacy. Kimiko could be anywhere, anytime. And who knows what else is there. Kimiko is probably not the only thing out there that is driving me insane. I often thought about telling Madeleine about her. But how to tell someone who never left Denver about aliens and ghosts and goddesses. It would make me look like I am insane. Not to mention the stuff Kimiko and I did. Felt good back then, but as the years went by, I slowly understood the impact of all of this. Beings that exist, not physically. That access your mind, see through your eyes, read your thoughts. I was on the verge of being comfortable with it, but now?

I am back to being afraid. Aspen hinted that there is something wrong. And now I am in that awkward spot where Kimiko tried to reach out to me again, in a more obscure way than before. I tried to ignore it and focused on Aspen. And now I am afraid of going back to space, especially on my own.

Maybe I really have kissed insanity a bit. There are zombies like Caliban, ghosts like Kimiko, faceless murderers like the Rogues, absolute freaks like Relevant, spineless idiots like the Junkers. Slavers, slave traders, drug dealers like Moyer. Trapped between all these dirtbags and freaks and monsters is Kristoff. So innocent, yet easily manipulated. Turning more and more into another kind of monster himself.

How to explain this to Madeleine and Monique? To me, that sounds crazy. How would it sound to someone else?

A short trip surely won't hurt us.
You know? Just so we can say "been there, done that!"
I'd certainly love so sit in your lap while you pilot.
And everyone will be like "Wow, what a lucky kid!"

... I really am a lucky boy, to have you two.


But not him. Kristoff is still out there, living hell. And... maybe it is true what Madeleine said. That abyss is trying to draw me in, over and over again. And Aspen herself openly admitted to be somewhat addicted to the thrill of space. We agreed on exploring space together. We went to Copernicus, took a quick peek at it. I was in her little ship, glued to the back of her pilot seat, probably annoying her a bit as I kept breathing over her shoulders. I just wanted to get back on the Kay. That Spatial... certainly a lot faster than a gunboat. I felt so incredibly vulnerable, intimidated and... embarrassed, too. My entire body was tense, but in the bad way. When she dropped me off at the landing pad, I hurried back home and... I was happy to be still alive.

Aspen does puzzle me. I know she has something... weird going on. She always tries to act like a simple woman, but she certainly is not.

I lost something out there. I wonder how it is with her. I think she lost something out there, too. But... I know she got something in return.

Do I want to know what it is, though? Am I too deep into this that I cannot pull out anymore? Reality already feely unreal to me. I was a slave, now I am a rich boy. I have two girlfriends, a ship, am some kind of very small celebrity thanks to OSC and these cursed news articles. I should savor all that. But all I can think about is that all these things mean nothing because of the horrors that are out there in space, turning us into tiny ants in the garden of the dead gods.

The existential dread is real. I want to stay a simpleton. Let me enjoy sex and the illusion of privacy. My biggest challenge should be to open up to eating other foods than Synth Paste. Not to avoid becoming a freak like all these people in space, that try to kill each other over the smallest issues and biggest revelations.

Kristoff, just join me. Leave all these weirdos behind.

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