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[MiniKitty]

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Play something sad.

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The past few days have been a blur.

I do not even know where to start. Cobbler? Yes, maybe there. Monique, Madeleine and I went to Cobbler to completely wipe the databanks of the Kay after we got hacked by Dezember. That was probably the only thing so far not resulting in a catastrophe. The people at Ames know their stuff.

Kristoff messaged me, came to Cobbler and asked me to come over. He desperately needed someone, but I did not know how desperate he was. He first said he would only return to Valoran to call quits, and when I asked him to promise that, he did not. I told him I would not let him on the Kay until he would promise it. He still did not. Instead, he asked for some time to rethink. Our ships were still at Ames. Later, his ship computer told me that he died.

And then it added that he might not have died but went critical. So, Madeleine and I went to the medical bay of Ames and found Kristoff there. He had attempted to take his own life but did not pull through. Instead, he shot his shoulder.

I promised him things would be better now. That I would still take care of him, and offer him a place to stay, regardless of whether he is a puppet or not. Everything sounded good for a moment. Madeleine and I returned to the Kay and went to bed. I needed to think about all of this. After all, I refused to help him when he needed me the most. I could have prevented all of that, but I did not. Sure, I did not expect him to try to kill himself. But that does not make it any better, really. That was a big fuck-up. And I promised him this would not happen again. I would not fuck up again. I would be there for him. Take care of him. Endure this madness with him. We have gone through so much. I was not going to through it all away. I would protect him from now on.















And I failed immediately. I went to bed, asked Monique to stay at the controls and wake us up if something happened. Technocrats arrived, and she did not wake me up. Instead, she just watched, because she was afraid I would go to Ames and fight them and lose to them. I was mad at her, but... she was right. By the time I woke up, Kristoff was gone.

I went to Ames, rushed to the medbay, trespassed to the room he was supposed to be in and it was empty. The nurse that took care of him was gone, too. Long story short, they took him. And I spent a few hours in a brig cell, for trespassing and assault. The charges got dropped after station security found out that something was wrong about all of this.


Everything sucks. Rebecca wants to know what happened, but I refuse to talk to her. Aspen is dead. Kristoff is gone. What is there left to do, really. I took the hint and brought the Kay back to Denver. It was time to return to the den.

That is where I am now. Just staying in bed all day. Who knows. Maybe someone will come and get me. Dezember, or Relevant's goons, or Caliban. Maybe even Rebecca. Just a matter of time. Either that or they forget about me. That would be good. Getting forgotten about, like Kimiko and Aspen. Just vanishing like them. Maybe I should return to Pittsburgh, to the mines, where I belong. Back where the biggest problems are the struggle for WaSPs and not getting touched by others. Or just die in some lonely cavern.

I remember that one day when I was younger. I found that wonderful huge bismuth geode. Big enough to walk around inside and see all the crazy crystal formations. I sat down in there, used the plasma cutter to heat up a few rocks and slept there, knowing most of the others would not find me this deep in the mines. Just me, some flares, glowing rocks, shimmering bismuth amidst the borax and my harmonica.


I open my eyes after thinking back of those days. My life is completely different now. I am rich, have two girlfriends, a space ship... I should not be depressed at all. My basic needs are covered. I do not know the feeling of starvation anymore, the feeling of dehydration, the feeling of getting abused and tortured and robbed. I still have all these scars, but I covered them in tattoos and leather and love bites. Whenever I go downstairs, I am not alone. There are people. Some of them I do not know, but they hang out and have fun. Some of them I know by now, and some of them have become friends and more.

Monique does a great job at managing the den. By now, people actually refer to this place as that, too. Levan's Den. Sometimes I go downstairs and sit on the couch and watch them play games, listen to their talks about mundane things, about shows and movies and songs, gossip and what not. Then Madeleine takes my hand and leads me upstairs to our bedroom. No word is spoken as we leave. Madeleine and I understand each other without words by now. When she grabs my hand, I know what she wants.

After warming each other under the blanket, she moves off the bed for a smoke. And I just stay in bed, not knowing what to do. I know Lea sent me a message and probably hopes for a response, but I do not want to see her right now. Maybe it would be better if she forgot about me, too, before she ends up getting disappointed. Vanishing like Kimiko and Aspen. Or like Kristoff. She is such a sweet and cool girl, but I really do not want to see anyone. Maybe she finds someone better to fall in love with.


Madeleine comes back, her hair slightly smelling of her fake mint tobacco. She hands me my violin.

Play something sad.

I do not feel like it.

Play.

I put on my beanie and my pants and leave the bed with the violin. She sits down at the edge and watches me. I take a deep breath and begin to play. Thunder Valor's Collateral Sadness. One of her favourites, and relatively easy on the violin. Still not perfect at it, but it is a slow one. I keep my eyes closed as I play. First part slow, second part faster, third part faster and higher. I remember the lyrics and have them in my mind as I focus on the melody.

Another mistake at the third part. I stop and open my eyes. I put the violin away and move over to the balcony window. Warm weather outside, clear skies apart from the occasional hover. Madeleine approaches me from behind and hugs me.

I have all this. Why am I sad? Why can I not just forget about Kristoff? Is he worth all this trouble and sadness and all the compromises? All the threats and all the madness? Can I not be happy with Monique and Madeleine? I should be. I should be. I should be happy with what I have. Why do I think about him? Why?












Would I feel this way if Kristoff was here and Madeleine or Monique where gone?

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