The Disreputable Dunlin

[Mr. Lime]

Part IIa, Surprise Guest

It started as phantom footfalls. Metallic footfalls. A voice nobody recognized calling out "Watanabe?" at odd hours. Laundry already being done before the poor sap pulling laundry duty had done it. The Calico was haunted, that could be the only explanation.

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"Captain's log, breakfast"
We have a stowaway. As we have spent these last several weeks in deep space, just where we would have gotten one has been a major concern among the crew. As this is happening at a critical juncture at the Boulder move, we have no means of identifying who or what it is. I've ordered a complete sweep of-

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"Take a look at this! We found our visitor!"

She would have been a perfectly normal Kusari woman, indeed sculpted to the perfect average, if not for the fact her bones were steel, and exposed for all to see. Unfortunately, none of the assembled spoke Kusari. That was okay, she wasn't speaking English. However, the Daumann firepower she kept waving at the crew as she stood between them and a large crate gave Lime pause more than the fact that she was something that should not be.

What must have clearly once been realistic simulacra of retinae glowed and the machine? Entity? Lady? Lady, spoke, in surprisingly Bretonian-accented English. "I must be returned to Captain Watanabe immediately." How much of the effect was genuine processing and how much of it was cheap theatrics was questionable. However, as the crew was currently acting the parts of slack-jawed imbeciles, they weren't likely to accede to her request on the spot.

Steel Gangster Idol "Ganmoru" would appear to be a surprisingly primitive model of artificial intelligence. Were one to pay it a visit with a logic probe, they would find that its emotion emulation was simply several pre-scripted acts of pique attached to deliberately screwed up self-preservation protocols. An emotionless drama queen, the years exposed to the Crow Nebula had not been kind to it. Bereft of the organic material usually used to regenerate its skin and muscles, as well as facing the harsh solar winds, any warranty Kishiro might have issued towards the hardware that made it tick would have long since been voided. Some Ageria bio-neural processors had found their way onto the machine, but as every other such device produced had failed to attain sapience, this one didn't either. It was unlikely that some inexplicable alien intelligence might rub off on it, or its automated maintenance protocols would get subverted by any broadcasted scrapcode from any artificial intelligence resulting in it somehow getting emotions. Oh no, such things couldn't possibly happen. This was reality, not some weird science fiction.

"So all I'm saying is that we have to find this guy, who probably doesn't want to be found, to return to him something he probably has forgotten about." "Do you want to get on that lady's bad side?" "Don't call it a lady. That's the product of a very lonely young man and access to fabricators."

"But she could be-" "No. No she couldn't. Ack, you got me doing it. Look, just because she's the closest thing to a woman we've seen in six weeks doesn't mean she is... one. This is going to get confusing."

"You disrespect me, I'll kick your ass." Why yes, she was right behind him.

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Steel Gangster Idol Ganmoru will be right back

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Oh look, it's a trailer for some game.

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Steel Gangster Idol Ganmoru is back, hope you didn't go anywhere!

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"Wow, that thing has horrible battery life." "Kick... kick... kick... error." "How long do you think she was out there? I feel bad for her." "Wait, that's your jacket she's wearing, is there something you'd like to share with the rest of us?" All eyes turned to Lime, mirth in his eyes. Upon closer inspection, it was indeed the guy's jacket she had clearly, ahem, borrowed. Not that there were too many formal occasions he would be attending, mind, but still. "Do we have a spare bunk?" "What? No, we should be getting her off this ship." "St-stay while, repair service, assist, threat display not needed." "With an argument like that, why not?" Lime wasn't a complete fool, but it was a damn shame he didn't have any friends in the Technocracy or even Kishiro to pry this odd specimen open. His crew was right, for the wrong reasons. She was too valuable to simply dispose of.

It was a strange sight to see the guy with his "kiss the cook" apron having been ejected from the kitchen. "She came in and said she could do it better." Dinner was still the same, ain't nobody who could make Synth Paste appealing. "Well, I guess we're keeping her." The night dissolved into good-natured laughter.

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Steel Gangster Idol Ganmoru
"I became the smuggling gang's housewife!?"
Directed by Mr. Lime.
Starring
Mr. Lime as Himself
Bob Uhsmith as Himself
Felix Brooks as Himself
and Introducing
Steel Gangster Idol Ganmoru

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"Stay tuned for the next installment of The Disreputable Dunlin, now starring me! The crew's platinum haul might hold a little more than they bargained for. Redbelly draws closer as the crew dances in the asteroids, will they succeed or were they set up to fail? Find out next week! Goodbye!"