Omicron Oddities - Series

[Pennyfield]

Episode 2: Discordian Diplomacy


Jill watched the toaster, its faint, alien glow pulsing ominously on the kitchen counter. It hadn’t exploded or started chanting in Latin—yet—which she considered a small win. From the living room, the sound of hushed giggling and rapid keystrokes drifted her way.

"What are you two up to now?" Jill asked, half-turning from the counter, her tone straddling curiosity and dread.
Anya looked up, her face a practiced mask of indifference. Beside her, James "Jooz" Oozy grinned like he’d just discovered a secret that might get them both grounded for life.
"Nothing much," Anya said casually, tucking her dark hair behind her ear. "Just decoding some signal stuff. Totally normal."
"Normal for you lot is inviting trouble," Jill replied, arching an eyebrow.
Jooz, wearing his trademark air of mischief, piped up. "We cracked that weird artifact thing Dad—I mean, Javier—brought back."
The words hung in the air like a bad joke waiting for a punchline. Jill’s eyes darted to the doorway just as Javier entered, still wearing his frilly “Kiss the Sair” apron and wielding a spatula like a scepter. He froze.
"‘Dad’?!" Javier exclaimed, his tone a cocktail of disbelief and mild offense. "Niño, I am not your dad. Don’t call me that."
"It suits you," Jooz said with a shrug. "I mean, look at you! Apron, spatula—practically suburban."
"You’re lucky this spatula isn’t a machete," Javier muttered, returning to the stove.
Anya rolled her eyes but hid a small smile. "He’s not technically mine either… but he’s way better than you. You’re just weird, Jooz."
"Weird is what I’m aiming for," Jooz said, leaning closer to the datapad. "Anyway, we may have, uh, sent a reply to the artifact’s signal."
Jill pinched the bridge of her nose. "Please tell me you didn’t just invite any more Zoners to Crete, you know how it can upset the cows."
As if on cue, a faint rumble shook the ground.
"Oops," Jooz said sheepishly. "Guess we’ll find out soon enough."

Two Days Later

Jill was mid-sip of her morning Long Island Iced Tea when the sound of roaring engines shattered the peace. Outside, a garishly painted TAZ shuttle descended, its hull an explosion of chaotic graffiti and Discordian symbols.

"Oh no," Jill muttered, setting her mug down.
The ramp lowered with a dramatic hiss, revealing three robed figures, each looking like they’d raided a thrift shop blindfolded. The leader, an elderly Zoner with a pineapple-topped staff, stepped forward.
"Greetings, beings of Crete!" he bellowed. "We bring the wisdom of Eris and the glory of the Sacred Chao!"
Javier appeared behind Jill, rubbing his temples. "This is why we don’t mess with artifacts," he muttered. "Or Zoners."
"To be fair," Jill said, smirking, "they’re your kind of people. Loud, over-the-top, and probably armed."
"I’m right here," Javier snapped.
"We’re here!" Jooz exclaimed, darting outside with Anya trailing behind. "Hey, fellow Discordians! We cracked your signal!"
The Zoner leader’s face lit up. "Acolytes of the Chao! You have summoned us for enlightenment. What do you seek?"
"Actually," Jooz said, holding up the artifact, "we were hoping you could tell us what this thing does."
The leader examined it, then laughed. "This? It’s a ceremonial paperweight. But using it to summon us means you’re ready for the Rite of Fives!"
Anya blinked. "What’s the Rite of Fives?"
"Ah, a sacred ritual of Discordia! Five rounds of nonsense, one universal truth. But first, tea!"

Inside the House

The Zoners gathered around the living room, sipping tea brewed by an increasingly exasperated Javier.

"Nice apron, Dad," Jooz quipped, earning a glare from Javier.
"Call me that again, and you’re walking to Baffin," Javier growled.
"Oh, lighten up, Javier," Jill said, suppressing a laugh. "He’s just being Jooz."
"Exactly!" Jooz said proudly.
The Zoner leader raised his staff. "Now, let us commence the Rite of Fives! First, we recite the five tenets of chaos, then count to five five times, and finally, we spin five times while chanting 'Fnord.' Are you ready?"
"Oh no," Anya muttered.
As the chanting began, the toaster sparked to life, projecting a holographic display of alien script.
"Primary Function: Chaos Implementation Engaged," it announced in a mechanical voice.
The Zoner leader gasped. "Behold! The sacred appliance speaks!"
"It’s not sacred," Jill snapped. "It’s broken!"

"Dad, this is going to be amazing," Jooz whispered, grinning at Javier.
"Why me?" Javier muttered as the room descended into chaos.

Meanwhile in the backyard, no one noticed that the landing struts of the TAZ shuttle had damaged the meadow fence and that the cows, the loving opportunistic creatures protected by Saint Dell, where instantly aware of Jill's garden...