To: Phoenix | From: Machete

[Soban]

Hello, Cupcake.

My, my, a love letter from a supposed ruthless Corsair? Didn’t see that coming, honey. But rest assured, this won’t do a thing to boost your bounty. Honestly, love-bombing was not on my year 835 Bingo card—I’m definitely calling HR to file a harassment complaint. Bless your heart, Pumpkin.

But don’t think I’m swooning for a second. The deception in your sweet-talking is about as obvious as your steroid habit, sugar. And from the hunger in those eyes, you only want my hand to chop into carpaccio. Too bad my cholesterol would put you straight into cardiac arrest.

I took a peek at our archives—time has not been kind to you, sweetie. Maybe twenty years ago, that trickery might have worked. Look at your past self! Such grace, and you let yourself decay like that, angel. All that Outcast meat you’ve been chowing down on? The cardamine plus the ultra-processed fat really did a number on that sweet body. I always thought Corsairs survived mostly on starvation. Guess that’s your new diet plan, piggy—maybe try it sometime before you pretend you can charm me.

Anyway, back to your bounty.
Here’s your paperwork. Have a blast filling it out, Sweetpea—I’m sure you’ll manage between all your tireless efforts to impress me.

Phoenix procedure A-612D

Psychological evaluation

• 1. You’ve discovered a newly habitable planet with adorable, Gaians-like aliens. Your first reaction?
  • A. As a ruthless corsair, You immediately conquer them and make them polish your fleet of Legate (they have opposable thumbs, after all).
    
  • B. Force them to sign an enslaving treaty and make them repair the fleet you damaged like a morron in the assault.
    
  • C. Encourage them to form a democratic council—then watch from orbit as they spiral into eternal bureaucracy.
    
  • D. You install a grinder and start making burger out of it. Corsair style
  
  
• 2. You’re constructing a new secret base. Which location most appeals to your demented sense of style?
  • A. An abandoned asteroid belt. No stable ground? No problem.
    
  • B. The molten core of a planet—strictly for the dramatic lava lighting.
    
  • C. A floating city in the clouds, so your enemies can literally watch your fat ass overshadow them.
    
  • D. In a freeport as it's corsair latest fashion.
  
  
• 3. Your henchmen are incompetent and keep losing the keys to your doomsday weapon. How do you address the issue?
  • A. Replace the henchmen with hyper-intelligent AI—what could possibly go wrong? The core did it, better copy them as they are cooler than corsair!
    
  • B. Install mind-control chips that beep every time they think of doing something stupid. (As corsair mostly do something stupid you will have to tolerate endless beeping)
    
  • C. Keep them around; they make a wonderful scapegoat for my future evil monologues.
    
  • D. Fire them out of an airlock. Problem solved.
  
  4. Which of the following best describes your villainous attire?
  • A. Dark robes, a spiky headdress, and a swirling cape made of the skin of your last human meal.
    
  • B. Practical, form-fitting black leather—because if you can’t dominate Sirius, at least look good failing.
    
  • C. A bright pink spacesuit so your enemies underestimate you (or keel over laughing).
    
  • D. The “I just woke up in a cryopod and forgot to comb my hair” look.
  
  5. A brave zoner marines captain infiltrates your cruiser the penitence with at least 50k other marines. Your reaction?
  • A. Roll out the red carpet… straight into a trap door leading to a meat grinder.
    
  • B. Capture them and monologue about your tragic backstory for six hours.
    
  • C. Offer them free refreshments and artifact, then politely request they sign the useless theta treaty.
    
  • D. Challenge them to a dance-off under the strobe lights of your orbital disco laser.
  
  6. If you have to choose a diabolical pet, which do you pick?
  • A. A genetically engineered space shark that can dance the corsair tango (fear + confusion = advantage).
    
  • B. A telepathic slime mold that slithers ominously on the conference table.
    
  • C. A quantum kusari cat that’s both alive and dead until it decides it’s hungry.
    
  • D. A rock. With googly eyes. It’s about the emotional support, okay?
  
  7. What’s your ultimate goal for Sirius at large?
  • A. Total subjugation under your iron fist—plus a few statue tributes in major freeport.
    
  • B. Complete chaos, because a stable cosmos is just too boring.
    
  • C. Heavy taxation of everything from air molecules to neutrinos—someone’s got to pay for the golden star yacht of the presidente.
    
  • D. No goal at all, you just want to watch the trade lines burn.
  
  8. You come face-to-face with your greatest nemesis—how do you taunt them?
  • A. “Bow before me or I shall exploit your tragic childhood in every broadcast across the galaxy.”
    
  • B. “I’ve already sold your home planet on the interspace real-estate market. Congratulations, you’re homeless!”
    
  • C. “You’re so insignificant that my army of incompetent henchmen corsair can handle you—without me even lifting a finger.”
    
  • D. Your personal answer
  
  9. There’s a peace treaty in theta. How do you respond?
  • A. Tear it up, feed it to the people of crete (no food is to be wasted), and broadcast your laughter on every frequency.
    
  • B. Send it back with corrections in red ink and a passive-aggressive note about their grammar.
    
  • C. Sign it, only to break it immediately when no one’s looking.
    
  • D. Forge an even bigger treaty, forcing everyone else to join your ‘Fan club’
  
  

Phoenix procedure A-612E

Materialistic evaluation

1 Your Empire is Feared
Prove it! Tell us all about your imposing base of operations—where it’s located, how menacing it looks from orbit, and the size of your loyal (or terrified) crew. We’re strictly curious, of course; we’d never dream of visiting unannounced.

2. Your Mighty Fleet
We hear rumors of unstoppable capital ships and sleek interceptors. Why not share the highlights of your blueprints for a purely academic evaluation of their threat level?
Bonus points if you just happen to send one of those Consul vessels, lightly staffed, to Livadia—you know, for a “demonstration.”

3. Infamy & Cultural Impact
Your people spread terror across the sector—but how? We want exciting anecdotes: the latest base you assaulted, tactics employed, weapon loadouts, dates, times, and those delicious details that best illustrate your conquest. Let’s call it… a historical record.

4. Wanted or Not?
To gauge how “popular” you are, let us know your current bounty in House Space. (Please separate rumor from reality—if the price on your head is low, we promise not to judge… too much.)

5. Surely Not a Deterrence Lackey
We wouldn’t want you to be associated with them. Prove your independence by illustrating just how subpar Deterrence’s fleet maneuvers and schedules are. We only ask because it helps us, benchmark your superior strategic intellect.

6. Close-Quarters Combat
Who doesn’t love the personal touch of a good boarding action or corridor blitz? Share your go-to choice for hand-to-hand carnage—be it fancy blades, nanobot nets, or the old-fashioned corsair meat tenderizer.

7. Favorite Duel Tactic
When it comes to Very Heavy Fighter engagements, what’s your signature move? A cunning mine trap, an early turn, an unexpected use of boxing—or some darker, more twisted approach your enemies never see coming?

8. Corsair Engineering Pride
In the Omicrons, Corsair craftsmanship is both feared and admired—though Outcasts claim it’s “overrated.” To settle the debate, why not send your brightest engineers and scientists to Pygar for a “conference” on Corsair shipbuilding superiority? We’re sure they’ll have a blast sharing their experiences.