My bewrinkled rectum has me ready for retirement. I am at present confined to my desk on the Derby, signing orders for torpedoes and gazing upon the filthy working-class anus that is Planet Leeds.
I have few sources of entertainment. The occasional de-bagging or keel-hauling of the more recent recruits. And my stint as a be-testicled agony aunt in "Come on, Carina!" - the Armed Forces weekly newsletter for the pink-bottomed privates who must put aside childish ways and defend the realm. These eminently caressable young fellows need guidance and a stern talking-to on occasion, but their tales of woe would bring a tear to the most northerly of one's eyes as well as their lone southern cousin.
This one emanates from a lowly young scallywag in Engineering aboard the Norfolk. He writes:
Quote:Dear Lord Brinkley,
I am pretty sure that I have Loller's Syndrome and it's ruining my life! I'm really worried that I'm going to die early as I am only 18 and I wont get the things in life that I want to do, like have children, as I'm pretty sure that you can't father a baby with this disease. I have read that it must mean that I can't get promoted either. I have already been treated before but it keeps on coming back so I think I can't get rid of it which is tearing me up inside as I know that no one else I know has this. I'm so scared and I can't even confide in my friends about this and I'm so scared about what is going to happen to me. Thank you.
Concerned
Dear Concerned,
Stop panicking! There's nothing to panic about. Loller's Syndrome isn't fatal. Once it's out of your system you can continue to have a perfectly normal life.
The best thing is to go to your M.O. He can both identify the actual parasite and prescribe medication. However, that won't work unless you follow strict hygiene rules and you'll have to have one or more follow-up doses of medication too. This is because the worms living in the gut will be killed but the eggs they've laid around your port-hole won't. That's what the second treatment is for: to kill the hatched parasites before they can lay eggs that will exacerbate the mouth-anus reversal process.
The life-cycle of the parasite that causes Loller's is around six weeks so you'll need to follow the hygiene rules below for at least that length of time. Because the eggs are too small to be seen, they can easily be transferred to your fingers and thence to your mouth or to food you're preparing, so you need to keep your fingernails short, scrub your hands including under your nails both after going to the water closet and before touching your spotted dick or filet mignon.
Avoid thumb-sucking or nail-biting (your own or others), wear wire-mesh gloves at night to prevent scratching or any other more intimate nocturnal activities while you're feigning sleep or if you are prone to the occasional rummage while on the comms, wear close-fitting pants at night and change, wash and disinfect them in the morning, and bathe or shower every morning making sure you pay particular attention to the area around the plug-hole. Don't share towels, flannels or sponges. Don't eat in bed as eggs can be shaken off bedclothes, and do have a working class person vacuum and dust your room regularly and thoroughly. Make sure your nightclothes, bedlinen, towels and any toys you sleep with are washed and rinsed regularly. Thrash your man-servant if he is remiss in his duties. Make sure too that bathroom surfaces are cleaned frequently with a hot, damp cloth. Keep your toothbrush in a closed cupboard, and rinse it thoroughly before use. This is especially important if you are prone to using said bathroom implement for the "Harris Grooming".
There's one other thing. You'll have to tell your bunk-mates since Loller's is so readily spread. In fact if you've got it, members of your crew almost certainly have it too. Unless everyone in the ship, and perhaps regiment, is treated at the same time, reinfestation is likely - as you've already discovered.
So take your courage in your (extremely clean) hands and tell your superiors and the M.O. Good luck.
![[Image: sir-roger-discovery-portrai.gif]](http://i287.photobucket.com/albums/ll129/colmmanley/Discovery%20Freelancer%20Images/sir-roger-discovery-portrai.gif)