Bretonian Armed Forces Defense Intelligence Staff (DIS) (iRP) (AO)

[Athenian]

The Officers' Club, Battleship Norfolk.

Fine brandy, chaps, what? Now, I wish to speak to you, my fellow officers about a matter of grave importance.

I can contain myself no longer. The fine tradition of buggering and bashing bastard brigands and then belching brandy in celebration which has so long been the core of Her Majesty's Armed Forces is at risk.

Who are the vile perpetrators of this pestilent pick-axeing of our precious past? The imbecilic working-class oafs which the Admiralty has thrust upon us.

In heaven's name, if by a man's training ye shall know him, then our current batch of recruits are cretinous mental defectives who couldn't tell the end of a tachyon cannon from a dog's anus. And they'd be better off sniffing around a Scottish terrier's scrotum than assisting me in my forays agsint the in-bred Benitez brood in the ice-fields of Cambridge. Because, frankly, their ability to follow orders or to aim a gun is as worthy of applause as a donkey is of a good licking.

I herded some of the chaps into Salisbury recently for some rudimentary training. A few can aim. But some were more concerned with bloody singing.

I promise you this. Any Ensign bleating or boasting about the breadth of his wife's bosom, expressing a craving for a cruise on Curacao or failing to follow a fire focus command from a superior Officer runs the risk of encountering me in their bunk-room some cold winter night.

If it takes a rough rogering by this wrinkly old rogue to straighten this horrible lot out, then by Jove I shall do it. I've whippped finer men than them into shape, and by Dickens, I still have my riding crop and my vaseline!

I ask you all, my fellow gents of good breeding, to be vigilant in preserving the fine traditions of the Her Majesty's Finest. And to keel-haul any mouthy young johnny-come-lately who undermines the regimental spirit.

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Former member of "the most paranoid group of people in the community"
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