Six of the best, trousers down!

[Athenian]

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As my aged arse has become a vertiable rabbits warren of flaky fissures and salty scabs owing to my pernicious piles, I have had more spare time behind my bureau than is customary.

In a bid to prevent my attempting self-immolation with a stapler to curtail this blasted boredom, the genial gents at "Come on, Carina!" - the Armed Forces weekly newsletter for the pimply privates and eager ensigns - have asked me to write a column in which I address the concerns of our smooth-cheeked and soft-bottomed young staff who may find becoming a man-chap an arduous and challenging sack to fill.

Now this first missal comes from an uncertain aboard my own delightful Derby who is keen to make a impression on his sage senior officers. He writes:

Dear Lord Brinkley,

My CO is an avid fencer and invited me to have a stab at it (Haha!). I've never fenced in my life. My CO says not to worry, as he has been stabbing new chaps like me since he could don a mask. Are there any etiquette tips for first-time fencing?

Signed,

New to the game

Dear New to the game,

As in any sport or activity, consideration should be shown to others. However, fencing, unlike other sports, is the only sport in my experience where one runs the real risk of involuntary castration or contracting a disease which may shrivel one's family jewels and cause a rakish rash.

Since your CO is an experienced handler of a flesh-hungry foil, he should assist you in following the basic rules of fencing. Proper behavior involves safety, playing at a good pace with bravura and good sportsmanship, and taking care of your meat and two veg. If you have an over-long weapon, discretely tuck it in the "Albert" position lest it catch a hastily handled and over-zealous thrust from your anxious partner's chopper.

In brief, below are some safety and etiquette tips provided by the Bretonian Officers' Fencing Institute:

Etiquette Tips for Fencing

1. Safety:

a. Ensure that no one is standing close by or in a position to be hit by a practice thrust.

b. Do not play with your sword while others are watching.

c. Shout "touche" if you catch one. Let the other chap know he has scored on you.

2. Other Players

a. No unnecessary distractions, such as squealing sounds or writhing movements, unless you are attempting a foursome. The rules are more relaxed in group events.

b. Priority in choosing a partner is determined by seniority. (A little trick I learned as a young fencer was to dab a little flour on my short and curlies to feign age. How ironic it seems when one considers how my Buster McThunderstick now sports his winter plumage!)

3. Care of the Venue

a. Before leaving a venue, players should carefully mop up any excess fluids and accidental spills.

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Former member of "the most paranoid group of people in the community"
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