Wanted: Awake or Asleep:

[Malaclypse 666]

Oh boy. My head hurts again. I think I'll lie down for a bit...

Now see what you've done, Sirius?? I ask you: How could anyone turn down a Saint like this:


THE TRiAL OF SAiNT GULiK --
A PARABLE FROM THE BOOK OF GULiK
by The Reverand Toad


In the last times, Devils of the Nine Hells and Daemons from all levels of the Abyss were free to roam the earth, and, in their roaming, to commit vast Unspeakable Acts, of which we will not speak, for, if we did, they would become Speakable, and, in so being, heard.

In this time, also, St. Gulik traveled the land, bringing Great Wonder and Disbelief to all the peoples to which he taught, and of which he healed.

One day, upon his travelings, St. Gulik was accosted by three of said Devils who, having been freed from the bonds of the Nine Hells, were free to commit Unspeakable Acts upon the sinners which they could find, to torment them, and, in so tormenting, to bring these sinners into the clutches of their lord, Asmodeus.

The Devils accosted St. Gulik, crying to him in a maddened unison, to halt, that he may be judged as a sinner, and that he may be found unholy enough to please their master, Asmodeus.

And St. Gulik rebuked them, saying, Who are you to deem me unholy, oh you in which I do not believe?

And they returned to him, saying, We are the Law of this world, the Order by which all the beasts of the earth, the birds of the air, the fish of the sea, and the stones of the subterranean caverns are ruled, and, in so being ruled, are controlled.

And St. Gulik cried to them, saying, Then you have no mastery over me, for I am not of the beasts of the earth, nor of the birds of the sky, nor of the fish of the sea, nor of the stones of the subterranean caverns, nor even of this earth at all.

And St. Gulik continued, saying, In these last times, you have free reign over this earth, as is true and fitting, but you have yet no dominion over the plane in which I dwell, for the House of my Lord is a powerful house, and his fields are many, and, despite your laying waste to this, but one of his vineyards, he will yet have many, by which he will return to this land, and cast out the alien, and replant that which has been uprooted.

And St. Gulik conceded of his body, his mortal shell, to the Devils, that they might see that he did, indeed, speak the truth.

Then, the Devil that thought of Itself as Jubela, the gigantic black devil, approached the body of St. Gulik, erect in his resignation.

And the Devil that thought of Itself as Jubela plunged Its hand through the stomach of St. Gulik, yea, up even unto the shoulder of Its shriveled arm, and, taking grasp of the beating heart of St. Gulik, wrested it from his body.

And the Devil that thought of Itself as Jubela cast St. Gulik's heart upon the dust, but, before the heart of St. Gulik could even be dusted with the dirt of this world, it floated up, into the sky, and was taken up, yea, even up unto Heaven.

Then, the fishlike, coldblooded Devil that thought of Itself as Jubelo approached the body of St. Gulik, erect in his resignation.

And the Devil that thought of Itself as Jubelo plunged Its hand up into the mouth of St. Gulik, and, taking grasp of the warm brain enclosed therein, wrested it from his body.

And the Devil that thought of Itself as Jubelo cast St. Gulik's brain upon the dust, but, before the brain of St. Gulik could even be dusted with the dirt of this world, it floated up, into the sky, and was taken up, yea, even up unto Heaven.

Then, the hideous, shriveled dwarf who thought of Itself as Jubelum approached the body of St. Gulik, erect in his resignation.

And the Devil who thought of Itself as Jubelum took hold of the wrists of St. Gulik, and prepared as if to rend the saint limb from limb, laying waste utterly unto his weak, mortal frame.

But before the Devil that thought of Itself as Jubelum could rend the saint limb from limb, extinguishing the appearance of life from his mortal frame, there was a great explosion, and much smoke billowed across the landscape, and, from out the billowing smoke, stepped the master of these Devils, Asmodeus, and, cried he, Hold, do not rend this saint limb from limb, thus extinguishing the appearance of life from this, his mortal frame.

And Asmodeus turned to the Devil that thought of Itself as Jubela, and said, Has the saint shown you his chains?

And the Devil that thought of Itself as Jubela said, No, though his heart was torn from his breast and taken up, even up unto Heaven, yet he did not show me his chains.

And Asmodeus turned to St. Gulik, saying, Though my servant, Jubela, rent your heart from your breast, and it was taken up, even unto Heaven, yet you did not show us your chains.

And St. Gulik responded, saying, I LOVE, IAO.

And Asmodeus turned to the Devil that thought of Itself as Jubelo, and said, Has the saint shown you his chains?

And the Devil that thought of Itself as Jubelo said, No, though his brain was torn from his head and taken up, even up unto Heaven, yet he did not show me his chains.

And Asmodeus turned to St. Gulik, saying, Though my servant, Jubelo, rent your brain from your head, and it was taken up, even unto Heaven, yet you did not show us your chains.

And St. Gulik responded, saying, I KNOW, EVOE.

And Asmodeus turned to the Devil that thought of Itself as Jubelum, and said, Has the saint shown you his chains?

And the Devil that thought of Itself as Jubelum said, No, though his wrists were grasped, even as though he were to be rent limb from limb, he did not show me his chains.

And Asmodeus turned to St. Gulik, saying, Though my servant, Jubelum, grasped your wrists, even as though to rend you limb from limb, you did not show us your chains.

And St. Gulik was silent.

Then Asmodeus turned to his minions, saying, Begone, for this is no sinner, no, not even is he a son of Adam, for he has no chains.

And Asmodeus dismissed the first, saying, Leave first, Jubela, for the heart of this saint is not so heavy as to prove a chain.

And the gigantic black Devil took hold of the sky, verily choking with the evil that blew across the land, and did he lift himself into it through the force of his arms.

And Asmodeus dismissed the second, saying, Leave second, Jubelo, for the mind of this saint is not so heavy as to prove a chain.

And the fishlike, cold-blooded Devil slipped into the river, verily choking with the evil that flowed across the land, and did he leave through the power of his form.

And Asmodeus dismissed the last, saying, Leave last, Jubelum, for the body of this saint is not so heavy as to prove a chain.

And the hideous, shriveled dwarf stepped into the dirt path, verily choking with the evil that walked the land, and disappeared.

And Asmodeus continued, saying, There is nothing in this man heavy enough to drag him into the Hells, nor even to fall into the dust of this road.

And Asmodeus turned to St. Gulik, saying, You are truly free.

St. Gulik is a cockroach.

Know, then, that to enter heaven, three things are needed.

And know, then, that these three things are Freedom, Love, and Gnosis, that is, to know.

Let he who has ears hear.

(And let he who has shekels for such a Powerful Discordian Epopt start the bidding!!!)

---