*DELETE*

[jammi]

Right, I've just read through Jeffery Allen's personality dysfunction. Very well written, but I do have a few qualms. You've made it very hard to read.

You need to space paragraphs better, placing a clearly visible divide between each line. Currently you have a block of text, leaving the reader nothing more than a jagged edge on the right hand side of the page to gauge a new paragraph. It also makes it incredibly easy to lose your place. Adding the spaces would massively improve the ease of reading.

There's also a few minor grammatical mistakes; things like capitalisation and your/you're. It's going to be a long haul to sort those out, but once it's done it'll make your work look professional and neat.

And two final points. One, I noticed something in the following part:

'All the more reason to leave this human and begin our search immediately.'
'The human could be useful.'
'I agree.'

It seems a little odd that Voice Blue would state one clear opinion - abandon the human, only to change it's mind when Voice Red says it could be useful. I could be reading into that wrong though, it is pretty late (early) here.

The final point is... Stop bumping your own feedback thread! D:

So yeah, it is a very good read, but it need some work on the technical and presentational side of things. There's also some striking similarity to my story Destiny, what with the Cambridge and Artifact connections. I would agree to sign up as an editor to proof read and work through any posts you want me to, but I'm delirious through sleep deprivation at the moment, so I'd have to review that offer when I'm sane again later this morning.

T-minus 98

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