Feedback for 'Fangirl' by Zapp and Akura

[DAnvilFan]

Typically, when I review short stories I begin with the positive aspects and then transition into negative. In this case, I will say that your in-game performance is top notch, while this written story falls short of my expectations.

Firstly, if you were to change the name "Georgia" to something else I would have never thought that this and your in-game character are the same person. I'm not talking about how Georgia goes on a killing spree. Her behavior is inconsistant from the very beginning and her "innocence" feels forced.

In game as I encountered her, Georgia is rather girlish and sweet. Most importantly, she stays in character. Here, we see her saying "don't you f--- touch me" and flashing a knive, then going back to being "a cute little thing." Rose comes in and further comments on her "innocence" but this feels as if the author is saying it instead of the character (e.g. telling, not showing). Some bits of dialogue get it right, such as the "I can make a mean face when I want to," but at this point her act isn't convincing because we've already seen her dropping an F-bomb and busting out sharp culinaries. (I suppose this bit pertain's to Zapp's section).

If you're going for a psychotic character, I would say that's bad show. It takes little effort to create a psychopath without providing any evidence of intent and simply saying, "well, she is crazy." In this case, I simply couldn't see her motivation or why she kept swinging between states of girlish behavior and masculine aggression.

For example, why does she pine for senseless murder? This is important if you want to create a character that other people can sympathize with. Yes, even serial killing murderers can be appealing to readers/audiences. Showing a motive is important. Maybe Georgia has one, but it's just not visible in your story. Please try not to use the "parent abuse" plotpoint to explain her murderous nature -- that has unfortunately been done more times than I can count, particularly in fanfiction. Particularly the plotpoint involving fathers raping the main characters (daughters), which seems to be a rather popular choice among amateur fanfiction writers -- which you have thankfully avoided.

A few questions you may want to consider, if you haven't already:

What are Georgia's deepest fears?
What are her deepest desires?
How is it that she is so good with a knife and firearms? Has she had extensive training and battle experience? If no, she should not be such a ninja. If yes, there is no way she can retain her innocence after killing people. -- Judging by the physical and mental ease with which she killed Lennie, there is no chance that this was her first kill. You will have to chose between one or the other.

Also, there is nothing wrong with gradually "corrupting" a character as opposed to doing it in the shortest time possible. Yes, there is a certain thrill during a quick change of events -- if it is done correctly. But you have to be very careful about how you do it. There is a fantastic short story that you might have read if you've taken a Highschool literature class in US. It's called "A Good Man is Hard to Find" by Flannery O'Connor. It is a classic example of a shocking, life changing event that completely reverses a character's personality within the span of a page.

Good luck with Georgia's story. It has some very good foundations and the in-game performance is superb. Cheers~