Democracy's In Short Supply

[Petitioner]

"Greetings, friends!"

A firm, friendly voice speaks. A young man, looking about 25, in a black suit and a bright red and blue striped tie steps in. The background is a simple Libertonian flag.
"This is Frank Slater speaking, reporting to you on all that's happening in Sirius today.
"First order of business; if you have a story that you think needs reporting, send a private comm to Frank Slater any time! Donations accepted as well. Now, to the actual news.

[color=#990000]BREAKING NEWS

[color=#FFCC00]
"So instead of covering a story, I thought I'd give an opinion. Hear me out, eh? As well all know, the "lolwut" virus has been spreading like WILDFIRE, so I thought I'd give my opinion on all of this. Now, we all know that there are mysterious, spooky ships on the fringes of house space. Some speculate that they might be aliens, but who knows? Perhaps they introduced the virus to the houses in order to stupid us all to death! Yes, I realize that stupid is not a verb. Perhaps it's simply a result of the rising cardamine abuse that Liberty has been experiencing in recent years. If you have any questions or comments regarding the spread of the "lolwut" virus, also known as chronic stupidity, please send me a message over private comms ((PM)), comm code XABL-74.88 Theta 9.
"Now, we all have various theories about where the virus came from originally, but what about its effects? Well, I can tell you that I've talked to several researchers about it and its' an interesting syndrome indeed. First, comes the loss of general motor skills, although only about 19% of the infectees experience this. Even in its early stages, the virus is still highly contagious. Next, a symptom at least 95%, if not more, of infectees experience, is a general drop in intelligence.
"Next comes the part that gives the virus its name; simply put, the infectee suffers from chronic stupidity. In addition to the prior mentioned drop in intelligence, the infectee will occasionally lose all sense of reasoning, and feels a strong urge to yell highly archaic abbreviations and fly capital ships, sometimes even fly into the sun. After this, the final stage is the withering of the lungs and the dehydration of the eyes. The lungs become unable to hold air, and the eyes become blind and may even fall out, causing a slow and painful death in most circumstances.
"Now you may be asking, 'Frank, what can I do to prevent myself from getting this terrible virus? How can I tell if my loved ones have the virus? Why am I asking you?' Well, if that is the case, ask no more. The virus is known to be able to travel through open space at incredible distances, so in the case of those who are too stupid to fly through jump gates and/or holes, it can travel to other systems anyway. To prevent yourself from getting the virus, stay in highly secure stations or your ship at all times. NEVER use an escape pod unless necessary, and avoid highly populated or frequented bases at all costs. Many criminal bases are safe, however some are highly dangerous. Zoner bases are a good bet, as are Navy bases, Military bases, and Junker bases. Liberty is known to have the highest concentration of ''lolwutters,'' as they have become known, so be careful when traveling through Liberty space, and never let your shields drop- the virus could be floating right past and you might not even know it, and it could attach itself to your hull at any time, possibly infecting anyone who touches your ship, and potentially, an entire base or more.
"It's very hard to tell if someone has the virus in its early stages, however, if they type and/or write in all lowercase or refrain from using punctuation, they likely have the virus. You should most likely stick to associating with people who also follow this advice, or definitely don't have the virus. Planet Denver's atmosphere, for some reason, doesn't allow the virus to live, so if you want to live on a planet and be safe, move to Colorado. No lolwutters have been spotted near Denver. Capital systems (New York, New Berlin, New Tokyo, and New London) are known to have the highest concentration of lolwutters, especially New York and New Berlin. Be cautious when travelling through these systems.

"This has been a medical report by Frank Slater. Tune in next time for more exciting news! Until then, this is your friend Frank Slater, signing off!"

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