Who the Bleep are the TAZ?

[Politus]

~~Transmission Received from Gilbert Chidington~~
~~~~~~~~Subject: Application to TAZ~~~~~~~~~

A scruffy middle-aged man with wispy, light-brown hair and a crooked nose coughs to clear his throat and starts to speak.

Ah, hello there. I believe that this is the proper channel. It was listed below the local synthfood PR office, and I may or may not be under the influence of alcohol right now. Anyway, I will, to the best of my ability... respond to your call for acolytes.

1) What is the "Eristic Principle"?
One would assume that the Eristic Principle is the universal law that dictates that, if a female is heir to a large sum of money and/or property, they will commit acts most heinous and profane, attracting the attention of many media outlets. Amongst these media outlets will be those with videos of men investigating the above female's own outlets. Of course, I could be wrong. It's been a while since I've done any scholarly reading.

2) What is the "Aneristic Principle"?
If I recollect the experience correctly, an Anerestic Principle is a schoolmaster or schoolmistress who will put you over their knee and beat your bottom for making ink blots on the page and not washing your hands. Or... maybe that's an anal retentive principle. I get confused sometimes.

3) What is the genealogy of the Discordian use of "Flaxscrip" as a form of legal tender?
I'm so ahead of the curve that I utilize cottonscrip instead. Ergo, flaxscrip is obsolete. To remedy this obsolescence, I'd like to recommend that the question is shoved up the posterior of the nearest ewe.

4) What is a "Trick Top Hat"? Present a treatise on which two branches of Science and/or Metaphysics it represents.
And what if I do not want to? Do you all not realize how preposterous righting a treatise on the aforementioned subject is, considering that zebra mussels are an inherently invasive species and could cause the extinction of that trick top hat? You should all thank me for bringing this knowledge to light. We may be able to save them now.

5) List five Discordian non-Prophets. (Not including myself, of course.)
-The God-Emperor of Mankind: An inherent lack of existence added to a seemingly constant battle against the forces of chaos leads to much head hurt. The fact that he once, in his lack of existence, caused the perpetual virginity of thousands of humans has to count for something.
-Chucky the Doll: A doll that causes insomnia and minor cases of deadness. BWAHAHA!
-Rasputin: Once used his beard to smuggle minors into a bar. Upon discovery, the nobles tried to poison his booze and failed. We must not forget that he was, also, ancient Russia's greatest love machine.
-[insert last two]: I can't be buggered to think of two more. I think that I've answered enough questions, and that together we can stop godless communism by ignoring the necessity of two more.

There. I think I did well-enough. And by well-enough, I mean that that they're all bollocks.

~~~~~~~~~~~Transmission Terminated~~~~~~~~~~~~


//If I did end up accepted, this would be a new character.

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"Things will not calm down, Daniel Jackson. They will, in fact, calm up."